Local Woman Sporting Fishtail Braid Reports Depression Cured

By Mary Liz Lucas

After five days of wallowing in her depression and filth, Michelle Hartinger finally found the motivation to take a quick shower. “I threw my hair into a ponytail and ate a whole box of taquitos on my bed while naked to kick the evening off,” Michelle said. But an extra soggy taquito of questionable safety she found fused to the box’s cardboard bottom was not the only pleasant surprise she had in store.  “When I woke up, my hair was inexplicably in a fishtail braid.” When asked if she was concerned about an intruder in her home she responded, “Nah,” but reported suddenly being able to function like any normal healthy adult. “I did my laundry AND put it away this morning” Michelle confesses over her freshly washed and filled reusable water bottle.

A local neuroscientist explained “the fishtail braid, being the epitome of plaits, secretes as much serotonin as 3 Prozac prescriptions directly into the brain through the hair roots”.

“I’ve never felt better” Michelle claimed taking a bite of her vegan lunch she packed from this morning. “I was ten minutes early for my 9 a.m. today, and talked to my professor for the first time this semester!” Michelle strongly suggests the fishtail, but scientists warn that starting out with a fishtail may overwhelm the body. “Better to start with a French braid and work your way up to Dutch before even considering a fishtail,” one leading hairstylist/brain surgeon Brain Franco commented. “Fishtails take real commitment, and if you don’t train for it, your arms may give out half way through, resulting in disaster.”

The Pittiful News reached out to the Student Health Services to see if they would be employing this revolutionary treatment, but they have yet to answer their phones. Until then Michelle reports having appropriately dealt with every email in her inbox, and plans on going out with some casual friends tonight.

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Fox News

By Dan Smith

Fall is in full swing now, and you know what that means. The temperature is dropping, the trees are shedding, and the rabbits are disappearing. Yep, you heard that right. The rabbits are dwindling, and fast. We don’t know why, but they are becoming increasingly difficult to track down and capture, which could pose severe difficulties for foxes everywhere trying to feed their pups throughout the winter months.

As shown by this graph, rabbit populations are plummeting at an alarming rate. Scientists everywhere are collecting and analyzing data to help counteract this recent epidemic. Despite the recent drops in rabbit populations, we foxes still have to make ends meet. We at the Pittiful News have put together a list of suggestions to help ordinary folk like you stay ahead of the pack throughout these coming winter months.

Instead of rabbits, explore some alternative options to expand your diet this winter! We suggest looking for lizards, frogs, birds, various vegetables or fruits, other small mammals, leftover bags of french fries or unattended human babies to keep you and your pups nourished. Even with these other food options, it may be difficult to make ends meet. If you’re out of food, remember, it’s survival of the fittest out there, and you can always have another litter! We’re not saying, “eat your pups,” but you gotta look out for number one.