Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article


Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.


Fall term to start early, end before Thanksgiving (*Edited to contain the secret info we stole from the Pentagon)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold


Pitt has decided to hold classes in person in the fall  but only outside, and will adjust its academic calendar to ensure semi-safety during the COVID-19 pandemic, University officials said Monday.

Provost Ann Cudd said in an email only to incoming first-year students obtained by The Pitt News, which was incorrect, that Welcome Week will take place during the week of Aug. 10. In-person classes for the fall semester will begin on Aug. 10, 2020 and end Aug. 31, 2020 due to a prophesied surge in coronavirus cases. There will be no day off on Sept. 7 for Labor Day to tribute Pitt students’ hard work, and students will not be returning to campus after Thanksgiving break. Classes were originally scheduled to just not happen, so this is definitely an improvement.

Cudd added that Pitt is taking steps to de-densify residence halls and dining facilities by actually matching up to health code standards, and classrooms, which will not be in use for the 2020-2021 year, in accordance with guidance from health and safety experts on Fox News and CNN prior to believing that COVID-19 was a thing.

Cudd also said there will be an extended final exam period this fall, this extension period will begin at 7:54 P.M on Thanksgiving Day, which is when they anticipate most students are done eating dinner and want to escape their racist relatives.          

An additional extension period will be held for those who have religious obligations. This additional extension will be given to respective religious groups during: Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan, Diwali, Festivus and any other holiday that could stop students from taking the exams. This all includes the possibility of holding in-person exams on Thanksgiving day. A “turkey dinner” WILL be provided to those concerned about missing out courtesy of Sodexo. Turkeys topped with salad will be sent to all students with meat allergies. Remote exams would be held the week after Thanksgiving.

Chris Bonneau, the President of the University Senate, said he was surprised to hear about the altered academic calendar in the news.

“While beginning the semester early was always an option, we were not informed that a decision was made,” Bonneau said. “I hope this was just an oversight and not an indication of reduced faculty involvement in the plans for next year.”

Eric Macadangdang, the president of the Student Government Board, said he believed the academic calendar was due to be finalized on Monday.

Chancellor Gallagator said last month that no options for the fall were “entirely on or off the table.” Three elite task forces planning the exact same parts of fall operations delivered recommendation reports to Gallagator at the end of May, and he has said he will deliver initial guidance early this month, with more complete information in early July. Realistically though, this will probably be given the week before classes start, because Pitt is incapable of informing students on important matters in a timely manner.

“Our intention is to maximize what we can do, consistent with our obligation to comply with state orders,” Gallagator said at May’s Senate Council meeting, when they actually made the decision that we’d be going back to campus August 10th. Relevant article