A Message from Dean Bonner (updated to contain information we obtained by answering the sphinx’s 69 riddles)

By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold

Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,

Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to the Guardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate. 

What will this change mean for you and your body?

(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library) 

Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34.  Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!

  •     Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they prefer to watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
  •     We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussy boning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
  •     Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
  •     At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
  •     Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
  •     Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
  • The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass. 
  • Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.

The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!

In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Tesla via your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch. 

Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower of ööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!

The facts don’t care about your feelings,

Kenyon Renyon Boner

Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students

If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol. 

Gallagator: ‘Anticipate’ Flex@Pitt, compressed schedule next semester (Updated with Information that we got from REDACTED REDACTED)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold

Chancellor Patrick Star Gallagator Jr. the Third said Thursday that he expects the Flex@Pitt model to continue into the spring semester due to the ongoing COVID-19 celebration. He also said it’s likely that next semester’s schedule will be compressed, stressed, but always well-dressed, similar to the fall semester so there aren’t vacations where people leave and come back. They just leave you. Forever. Without even a note or a goodbye kiss. 

“The planning context for the spring is that the virus is still with us in our hearts,” Gallagator said. “I don’t think we’re looking at a significant change in the mainframe, until there’s a significant change in the pandemic’s pandemic-ness.”

Gallagator and other University Authoritarians discussed Pitt’s future plans in response to the COVID-69 celebration (COVID@Pitt) as well as current statistics surrounding the virus and Microsoft outlook, at Thursday afternoon’s Galactic Senate meeting. 

This announcement comes in the wake of Pitt adding 22,000 new POVID-19 cases between last Friday and Monday continuing an upward trend in reported cases, though less than in previous case reports. Eight of the last seven days have seen sextuple-digit increases in student cases, according to data reported by that guy outside of the Forbes McDonald’s who asked me for a light.

The University has had a total of 221,420,069 students and 69,420 employees test positive since June 26, with 152 students and 27 employees recovered, unfortunately

Pitt has been using the new Flex@Pitt teaching model, which allows students to attend classes “remotely.” The fall semester began early on Aug. 19 with online-only classes, with exemptions made for: ASTRO 0069 Exploring Uranus, PEDC 0420 How To Orgy, and HINDI 1337 Kama Sutra; and classes will end on Nov. 20 for Thanksgiving break. Students will not return to campus after Thanksgiving, or ever, instead finishing classes remotely through the end of the world on Dec. 31.  

At the meeting, Elise Martin, a member of the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing (CUNT), clarified many of Pitt’s current KOVID-19 case statistics. She said around 98% of infected students are undergraduates, and only 10% are human. She also screamed into a conveniently-placed bullhorn about how 80% of positive cases are among students on the extraterrestrial campuses (Space@Pitt).

Martin also said numbers for the next case report — which will be released yesterday — look “embarrassing” and do not include a “significant” increase in CHOVID-19 case numbers as of today. 

“We’re pleased that we’re starting to flatten that ass, which is really where we need to be to have a profitable semester,” Martin whispered into the deafening silence. Or perhaps she was never speaking to begin with. 

But when Tuesday’s case report was released, Pitt’s LOVID-19 Medical Response Office said the number of positive cases “remains high enough to satisfy the dark gods that dwell beneath the Cathedral of Learning.”

“While no new positive cases were reported on Sunday and Monday of this week, the positive case count on the Pittsburgh campus remains higher than a mf,” the office said, personified. “We need to bring this number down, and we can, through continued migration efforts such as flying south as the winter months approach. If we continue to engage in safe sex, the virus will continue to spread and disrupt our mass exodus.”

Martin added that the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing has not found that in-person classes are a “significant source of transformers.”  She also said Pitt would continue its mass student surveillance program with the goal of testing about 25% of each student’s body every month

Pitt began moving classes in-person on Monday (School@Pitt). Provost Ann Cudd, First of Her Name, announced last week that faculty members can apply to teach their classes in-person if there is an “acceptable loss” for in-person instruction, and if an instructor’s dean or regional campus warlord approves teaching plans. Unfortunately, there are probably more YOVID-Yineteen cases at Pitt than people who actually read any email with the subject “A Message from Provost Ann E. Cudd.” 

Gallagator also announced that the strategic Plan for Pitt (or Plan@Pitt) 2049 will not be finalized until the next academic year to incorporate Pitt’s response to the ZOVID-19 pandemic, racial and social justice initiatives and environmental concerns. Gallagator said in June following George Floyd’s killing that it would be put on hold indefinitely to include strategies to increase racial equity on campus.

Gallagator also reported on the University’s current budget outlook. He said the situation is still “explosive” with concerns over future state funding, and he is once again asking for the support of viewers like you. The General Assembly passed a funding bill flatter than my ass for the University in May, providing some shmoney surety for Pitt, and Gallagator said enrollment rates remained relatively quirky

“The best case scenario is still a sticky pickle for the University. This wasn’t a difference between being in the black or in the red,” Gallagator shrieked in a tone so high only dogs could hear him. “We were always going to be in the red, the question is how deep I’m going to be in your mom.

Pitt’s New Housing Plan for the 2020-2021 Year.

By Savannah Teman

Pitt has decided that, with around 34,000 students, they will need to find a way to keep students socially distanced on campus. Reports say that the school has decided it wants to keep their students distanced enough to keep parents from worrying, but their main plan is to keep students closer so that they can increase cases of COVID-19. The increase in cases will be a good way for Pitt to be able to test its vaccines on students, as Pitt plans to be the first to develop the COVID-19 vaccine. Pitt has always had a tradition of discovering things, such as the ability to transmit human voices over radio waves, the panther mascot, and how to make students late to class with unnecessary construction. One thing Pitt is very well known for though, is their polio vaccine.

Pitt takes great pride in this accomplishment and wanted to have the same great mindpower that the team who created this vaccine had back in 1955. As a result, Pitt decided to clone Jonas Salk and his team and have them aid in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine. Before they did this though, they would have to successfully clone the entire team. This did not seem to be a challenge as many of the freshman who were on the team that accomplished this had SAT scores of over 1600. After the team cloned Salk, they knew it was a success and moved onto getting him to create the world’s first coronavirus vaccine. While they were at it, the cloning team decided to clone Gene Kelly, a Pitt graduate, just because he’s pretty.

Even with keeping students closer, such a large population of students hoping to get away from their families after 5 months of a lack of privacy will be very hard to contain in Pitt’s designated dorms. Their plan of action is to turn the Cathedral of Learning into a residence building, because of the ability to hold over 2,000 students in the building. And 4,000 if the rooms are split in half. But only 3,000 if 1 in every 4 rooms is turned into a communal bathroom. But potentially more if they put the port-a-johns outside instead. And even more if they put the students outside too. But anyways, every Pitt student will find that their move-in on July 15th will be an easy process, and all students will be told to take their shoes off, and then they and their items will be sprayed down with 100% bleach.

 

Senate committee discusses COVID-19, IP policies (updated with information we got from our Spy Kids style fly drone that we sent to spy on Gallagator years ago)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Senate+committee+discusses+COVID-19%2C+IP+policies

The University Senate Research Committee met Friday afternoon to brawl and discuss updates to the University’s intellectual property policies, as well as COVID-19 lab procedures.

Rob Rutenbar, the senior vice chancellor for research, exclaimed that the nation’s COVID-19 situation is worse than the last time the committee met two days ago. The University announced in late June that it had established a twelve-tiered reopening system to allow for a safe reopening in the fall with Guarded Risk, Unguarded Risk, Extra Guarded Risk, Ultra Guarded Risk, Brisk Iced Tea, Medium Risk, Cautious Risk, Super Risk, Risk: The Game of Strategic Conquest, Elevated Risk, High Risk, and Risky phases roughly equivalent to Pennsylvania’s malachitegambogefalu red reopening phases.

The Guarded Risk posture will allow greater in-person challenges, while the Elevated Risk and High Risk posteriors are more restricted.

“Things are spiking and so you’re seeing the county put some restrictions in place,” Rutenbar sobbed. “The medical folks are monitoring that very carefully. The hope was to change the operational posture from High Risk to Guarded Risk.”

Rutenbar uttered that the Oakland and Greensburg campuses will most likely shimmy to the razz-matazz-equivalent Elevated Risk posture on July 13, while Johnstown, Bradford and Titusville move to feldgrau-equivalent Guarded Risk posture due to exponentially more cases there.

Rutenbar added that he is working with his bros to figure out how research fits into the smaller reopening system that consists solely of Rutenbar and two of his most trusted homies.

“A lot of folks on my team who were on the research restart group are working to reshape those things — very specific guidance on if the posture changes from something to something, what changes?” Rutenbar shouted. “There’s a lot of focus on what you do differently if a posture goes from low to high.”

Penelope Garcia, a technical analyst for the FBI’s behavioral analysis unit, committee co-chair, and professor of immunology and break dancing, vocalized that there can be a bit of a blur between the three postures, and clarification is needed.

“It felt like we were already in the guarded area because each PI came up with a plan and we organized our staff to come in at a certain time and wear masks, so there sort of seemed to be a disconnect between if we’re in elevated, but functioning like guarded,” Morel declared.

Rutenbar mentioned that the research committee and labs may have to change some of their operations because they restarted so quickly compared to the rest of the University’s operations. These changes include: needing to wear masks indoors, a maximum of 3 emotional support dwarf hamsters per research team member, researchers must remain 6 ft apart as often as possible, team meetings will no longer consist of all members spitting into a cup and then all saying a blood oath as they each take a sip of this mixture, Karen can no longer leave her lunch in the communal fridge, and the sanitation staff will clean the labs at the end of every week instead of at the end of every other month.

“Research restarted at scale before anyone else, so in some sense we were operating on ‘early exception’ sort of policy, which is why we spent so much time in the working groups,” Rutenbar screamed. “The posture when we restarted in June was Guarded, even though we didn’t have a name for it.”

The minority of the committee meeting focused on the updated intellectual properties policies, which is awaiting disapproval from University officials. The updated guidelines, which were approved by Faculty Assembly this week, will also include a user guide and SAQs (Sparingly Asked Questions).

The IP policies outline what is owned by students, professors and other University members, and who makes a profit from future patents or copyrighted work. For example, the policies will cover whether or not professors and lecturers own their Supernatural AU’s, as well as who can access this information.

Rutenbar pronounced that the finalized policy will be more convoluted and difficult to understand than the current one, which has not been updated since 1864.

The committee closed by briefly discussing the recently announced immigration guidance that international students must take at least seven in-person classes this fall to remain in the country. Harvard University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology sued the Trump administration Wednesday, and nearby Carnegie Mellon and Pitt rival Penn State are filing court papers in support of the suit. More than 1,000 other people signed an open letter urging Pitt to adopt 121 measures to better protect international and immigrant students.

Rutenbar did not give a definitive answer as to whether or not Pitt would take legal action.

“I wish I could say something positive other than the academic community is rising up in a serious way,” Rutenbar sang. “Pitt’s in conversation with our partners on this one. The hope is that a sufficient legal challenge can be mounted to delay the implementation of this.”

 

Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Provost+Ann+Cudd+speaks+at+a+Student+Government+Board+meeting+on+Oct.+24%2C+2018.

Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.

 

Fall term to start early, end before Thanksgiving (*Edited to contain the secret info we stole from the Pentagon)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold
lectruehall

 

Pitt has decided to hold classes in person in the fall  but only outside, and will adjust its academic calendar to ensure semi-safety during the COVID-19 pandemic, University officials said Monday.

Provost Ann Cudd said in an email only to incoming first-year students obtained by The Pitt News, which was incorrect, that Welcome Week will take place during the week of Aug. 10. In-person classes for the fall semester will begin on Aug. 10, 2020 and end Aug. 31, 2020 due to a prophesied surge in coronavirus cases. There will be no day off on Sept. 7 for Labor Day to tribute Pitt students’ hard work, and students will not be returning to campus after Thanksgiving break. Classes were originally scheduled to just not happen, so this is definitely an improvement.

Cudd added that Pitt is taking steps to de-densify residence halls and dining facilities by actually matching up to health code standards, and classrooms, which will not be in use for the 2020-2021 year, in accordance with guidance from health and safety experts on Fox News and CNN prior to believing that COVID-19 was a thing.

Cudd also said there will be an extended final exam period this fall, this extension period will begin at 7:54 P.M on Thanksgiving Day, which is when they anticipate most students are done eating dinner and want to escape their racist relatives.          

An additional extension period will be held for those who have religious obligations. This additional extension will be given to respective religious groups during: Kwanzaa, Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan, Diwali, Festivus and any other holiday that could stop students from taking the exams. This all includes the possibility of holding in-person exams on Thanksgiving day. A “turkey dinner” WILL be provided to those concerned about missing out courtesy of Sodexo. Turkeys topped with salad will be sent to all students with meat allergies. Remote exams would be held the week after Thanksgiving.

Chris Bonneau, the President of the University Senate, said he was surprised to hear about the altered academic calendar in the news.

“While beginning the semester early was always an option, we were not informed that a decision was made,” Bonneau said. “I hope this was just an oversight and not an indication of reduced faculty involvement in the plans for next year.”

Eric Macadangdang, the president of the Student Government Board, said he believed the academic calendar was due to be finalized on Monday.

Chancellor Gallagator said last month that no options for the fall were “entirely on or off the table.” Three elite task forces planning the exact same parts of fall operations delivered recommendation reports to Gallagator at the end of May, and he has said he will deliver initial guidance early this month, with more complete information in early July. Realistically though, this will probably be given the week before classes start, because Pitt is incapable of informing students on important matters in a timely manner.

“Our intention is to maximize what we can do, consistent with our obligation to comply with state orders,” Gallagator said at May’s Senate Council meeting, when they actually made the decision that we’d be going back to campus August 10th. Relevant article