A sneak peak at the Non Alcoholic Mix Off later this month

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • Clowns 
    • Clowns have a rich history in the Pittsburgh area, they go back many generations as seen in the balloon family trees they make after asexually reproducing. 
    • Drink: “Honk my Horn if you know what i mean”
      • Fruit punch, Vegan Bailey’s Irish almond milk creamer, 1 lollipop (on top, similar to a cherry)
  • Witchtok
    • The Witchtok community represents a broad spectrum of witches of all kinds, by sharing videos of witch tips, potions, weird peace offerings they leave in the garden for the nymphs, and reading each other’s tarot fortunes to give sad witches some encouragement
    • Drink: “The Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble”
      •  A blend of herbal teas with hints of chamomile and rose, some of the stuff from my garden that I didn’t actually plant it just kinda grew, and edible glitter, all stewed in a cauldron (pot) while we chant in Parseltongue
  •  Arbor Day Enthusiasts
    • Anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, but not just anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, if you catch my drift. The community is often split into two factions: those who enjoy celebrating Arbor Day with a barbecue and a game of cornhole and those who are active participants in yearly Arbor Day revolutions worldwide in which they overthrow authoritarian regimes and replace them with a government run by trees. These two factions do not get along (even (especially) on Arbor Day).
    • Drink: “Committing Treeson”
      • Maple syrup, sawdust, blanched ginkgo leaves, some wood chips if you’re feeling frisky
  •  Anti-Maskers
    • The fuckheads, i mean anti-maskers, are a group of people who believe that masks are dummy dumb dumb and they shouldnt be worn because they dont work and kill brain cells. We collectively have two brain cells and are not about to risk losing the rest. Plus, if Trump survived COVID, then we can, too.
    • Drink: “Bleach”
      • Bleach jello shots from coronavirus shaped molds 
  • Children of the Corn
    • They shuck all day and shuck all night. They shuck when they’re happy and they shuck when they’re sad. They shuck like animals. They love corn and they just don’t care who knows it. Is that what the movie’s about? I think it is.
    • Drink: “Maybe I’m A-Maize-d”
      • Corn right off the cob, corn that’s been off the cob for a day or two, high fructose corn syrup, cornmeal, cornflour, a few corny jokes, a unicorn, General Cornwallis, candy corn, corn ethanol, etc.
  • Oakland 
    • A community of students and faculty alike, centering their time around the livelihood of the city. The Oakland community consists mostly of Pitt students and other universities’ students who come to the Pitt campus to study. We pride ourselves on our dedication to leaving garbage in the streets whenever possible, which includes but is not limited to: five guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
    • Drink: “The Oakland Token”
      •  Five Guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
  •  Nursing Students That Used To Bully Me In High School
    • The popular kids in school who bullied or outright ignored me are now training to be in charge of people’s survival. They would’ve failed high school chemistry if not for the participation grade, and now they wonder why they’re failing OChem. Hallmarks include messy buns, Lululemon pants, hydroflasks, and the inability to empathize with people outside of their suburban clique! I trust them with my life! 
    • Drink: “The Nursing Dose”
      • Starbucks Double Shot, mixed with 10 ccs of blood; stat, and the tears of children. Mix for 10 seconds in your mom’s food processor. Add protein bar chunks, stickers that say “it’s a beautiful day to save lives”, and seventeen episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Complain about early clinicals. Be stuck in one profession for the rest of your life. 
  •  Monkey “Enthusiasts”
    • The people that are REALLY into monkeys *wink*
    • Drink:”The Monkey’s Crotch” 
      • 16 Fleas, 2 oz of Coconut Cream, 3 oz Pineapple Juice, A Whole Lot of Disapproval From One’s Parents, a Splash of Water, .75 oz of Fresh Lime Juice, 3 dashes of a Cease and Desist from the Local Zoo, and a pinch of salty tears that God didn’t make you a monkey
      • Instructions: In a blender, combine all the ingredients until smooth. Then pour into a glass before you cry yourself to sleep after realizing you’ve been on permanent house arrest after THAT incident you pulled with monkeys from the local zoo…. Rumor says that those monkeys never looked at people the same way.  
  • Pitt Administration
    • They have long lived in the sewers under oakland and have developed their own culture, they often ask other residents to come play with them in the sewers and then eat the students and blame it on Covid-19
    • Drink: “Honey I Murdered the Kids”
      • Oh the places you’ll go (Dr. Seuss book), any photograph you have from college, gatorade(red to represent the blood spilt in the sewers)
  • The pigeons that live in my house
    • These Pigeons will not leave
    • Drink: “Just Rat Poison”
      • Rat poison with a hint of lime, Rat poison restaurant style, rat poison scoops, salt and vinegar rat poison; you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, rat poison-kabobs, rat poison creole, rat poison gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried rat poison. There’s pineapple rat poison, lemon rat poison, coconut rat poison, pepper rat poison, rat poison soup, rat poison stew, rat poison salad, rat poison and potatoes, rat poison burger, rat poison sandwich, sour cream and onion rat poison 
  •  Gym Bros
    • The giga-chads you see strutting around the inside of the Baierl Student Recreation Center like they own the place. Which, I mean, they do. If they ask me if I’m using something you best believe I’m saying “nope, my bad.” This drink represents everything about the weightlifting community, including but not limited to: shitty cutoffs made from free Pitt t-shirts, skipping leg day, a supply-chain major, and spending Saturdays with the boys.
    • Drink: “Get Swole or Die Trying”
      • 70g whey protein powder (chocolate flavor), 14 lq oz human sweat, a dash of methamphetamine, peanut butter, 1.2 gal blue powerade run through a Brita filter. All contained in a BlenderBottle, obviously.
  •  Squirrel Hill
    • Many people in Squirrel Hill are Jewish, some are not, but one thing everyone from Squirrel Hill loves is Manischewitz wine, but since we cant have that due to alcohol content, we will have Kedem’s grape juice
    • Drink: “do I really need to put a name in this box, I literally said it was just Kedem’s grape juice, oh, it is copying down whatever i say, alexa stop, siri off, google home leave me alone, beam me up scotty, if i hit the enter key maybe it will stop”
      • Kedem’s grape juice, like just that in a glass, it tastes great

Real and fake facts about Alcohol safety mixed together like a quality cocktail (shaken not stirred, what is this the 1800’s no cocktails are stirred nowadays) 

  1. It is unsafe to drink and drive
  2. Putting little umbrellas in your fruity drinks makes them taste better
  3. Making jokes about consent is funny
  4. Pong is a game played at many ceo events
  5. all white house staff must carry narcan, it does not help with alcohol, it is just good for all the “diet” coke (just cocaine) the president does (do not use narcan if someone is overdosing from cocaine, it will send them into cardiac arrest, narcan is safe for use on those overdosing on opioids)
  6. If you drink more, you’ll be happy
  7. It is unsafe to drink and drive
  8. I’m a fruity drink ;)
  9. One sip of beer will steal your virginity, your childhood memories, and your youthful essence
  10. Certain types of liquor make jazz sound better

A Message from Dean Bonner (updated to contain information we obtained by answering the sphinx’s 69 riddles)

By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold

Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,

Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to the Guardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate. 

What will this change mean for you and your body?

(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library) 

Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34.  Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!

  •     Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they prefer to watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
  •     We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussy boning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
  •     Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
  •     At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
  •     Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
  •     Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
  • The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass. 
  • Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.

The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!

In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Tesla via your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch. 

Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower of ööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!

The facts don’t care about your feelings,

Kenyon Renyon Boner

Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students

If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol. 

Songs That the Pittiful News Writers Have Stuck In Their Heads Right Now

By: the writers of the Pittiful News 

Try and match the songs with the writers! (email us with your results at pittifulnews@gmail.com, subject line fw:fw:fw: Cousin Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah and how the left is destroying the world) 

  1. The hollow ringing sound of putting my metal straw into my metal tumbler in the middle of the night when I’m trying to not wake my roommate up as I have my midnight skim milk 
  2. Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
  3. King Tut by Steve Martin
  4. WAP (Medieval Remix)
  5. Tequila by The Champs
  6. O Canada sung by Fergie (if at first you don’t succeed…)
  7. A low beating from inside the walls, as if someone were begging to be let out. 
  8. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet
  9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, but every line ends with sponge cake
  10. Brick House by the Commodores
  11. The Kill Bill sirens
  12. Soulja Boy’s 2008 hit, Kiss Me Thru The Phone, but only the phone number part
  13. The Weenie Man song
  14. Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffett
  15. It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere by Jimmy Buffett
  16. *ominous Latin chanting*
  17. Two Trucks
  18. A horde of local theater kids’ rendition of Seasons of Love from RENT
  19. The sirens in the background of Bonfire by Childish Gambino. No, mom, this doesn’t have any deeper meaning.
  20. Atomic Dog by George Clinton (you may know this little ditty from the cinematic masterpiece that is Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde)
  21. lofi hip hop radio beats to relax/study to
  22. The ear-splitting “YUM” that comes from the speakers at my local Red Robin every 30 minutes
  23. Trap bangers about cocaine as I walk through my majority-white upper class suburb
  24. Sweet Caroline but with the Migos vocals from Carpool Karaoke
  25. Contemporary Christian rock
  26. The sounds of the phone number for the closest pizza place being dialed, only to realize it’s been closed for 40 years
  27. Avatar’s Love, but sad
  28. The concept of a zucchini being thrown at a cat
  29. A math teacher being stabbed multiple times because she said that she could explain something multiple ways but continues to only explain it one way
  30. Yer A Wizard Harry but he keeps saying Harry is more things
  31. I’m A Barbie Girl sung by the Russian military
  32. North Korean accordion music
  33. Any song by Weird Al Yankovic 
  1. Tyler
  2. Abby
  3. Morgan
  4. Ella
  5. Savnah (edited for space)
  6. Evan
  7. Sarah
  8. Eric
  9. Jermy Jordan
  10. Tyler but with a knife in his hand
  11. Ivana Tinkle
  12. Jerry Sandusky’s goldfish
  13. That one Denny’s waitress who gave me extra ranch without asking and I subsequently fell in love with her
  14. Steve Buscemi
  15. Maxamillion Von Hammerslag
  16. Perry the Platypus, sans fedora
  17. Sans Undertale, wearing a fedora
  18. Pittiful News Writer #6
  19. Lionel Richie
  20. Kermit the Frog
  21. Steve Buscemi (but in comic sans) (font changed for formatting purposes)
  22. President Vladimir Putin
  23. KGB leader Vladimir Putin
  24. Ex and Future Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
  25. Once and Future King Pladimir Vutin
  26. Legolas Greenleaf
  27. Charles Entertainment Cheese
  28. Tyler, but this time he is talking about empires of the steppe
  29. Tyler, but this time he’s a spider who won the popular vote for president but was then sent to jail, this of course is a possible outcome of the upcoming election, vote Alfred E. Newman for president
  30. Alfred E. Newman
  31. You
  32. Jerry Seinfeld
  33. A Yankee Candle employee

What the club you quit after one GBM says about you

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age

Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips

Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov

Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)

Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay. 

Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.

Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.

Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided

Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut.  You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball.  Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?  

Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club

Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life. 

Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.

Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind 

Greek life: not enough spray tan. 

Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(

Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person. 

Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic

The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings

The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him

Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.

Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish

Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.

Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance

Business Club: You’re not a business student?

Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24

French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you

Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.

Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised 

Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming  an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join. 

Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump

Pitt Amnesia: What club?

Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65

Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT 

Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.

Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”

Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.

Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all

Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.

Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol. 

Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.

Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5

Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie

Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?

Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show 

American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway

JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art

Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right

PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.

Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship

Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.

Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior

Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant

Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards? 

Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten

Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.

Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm

Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA

Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.

Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you? 

Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(

The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?

Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.

Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream

Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud

Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant. 

Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.

PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.

Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.

Pitt Cthulhu Club: c̴̳̳̾̐t̶̰̐̏h̴͎̟̆͗̐̕ͅu̵͈͖͎̮͑͊͐l̷̝̓̍h̵̫͕̣̞̒͑̈́ṳ̷̑ ̷͇͂f̵̠̗͛̊͛̀’̸̜̔t̴̯͘ä̸̘̳͉̑̿ģ̵̪͉̍̂h̵̜͈̠̫͒̕n̷̪͝

Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story. 

Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.

Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*

Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club

USITT: u stand.

UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”

Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety. 

PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers” 

Pittiful News: you read any of our articles.

Make Yourself At Home: Find Your Very Own Emotional Support Building Today

By Sarah Yule

When I decided to come to Pitt during the winter of my senior year, I had one factor that made the decision easy: Pittsburgh is 9 hours away from my hometown in rural New York, making it the furthest college on my list.  So, after I got my acceptance, the choice was already made.  I figured that by moving far out of my farmtown bubble, I would make some lasting memories and friends in a new and exciting city.  Then, COVID happened, removing many aspects of a typical college experience.  But still, my hopes were high when I pulled up to move-in day this August.

    I met my roommate and we immediately became friends; I could not have been luckier in that respect.  However, the social scene at Pitt is definitely leaving much to be desired at the moment, and I found myself feeling more homesick than I could have anticipated.  And if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you might be feeling the same way.  And to you, I give you one piece of wisdom: people let you down.  Buildings never will.  Without further delay, I present: the emotional support building(ESB).  

    The ESB will serve as a little slice of paradise in the midst of whatever chaos your new environment brings.  No matter how hectic or gloomy your day, you can count on your ESB because it is only a couple of blocks away.  There, you can make yourself at home, and the longing for a move back to your cow town will disappear completely.  There is one structure that is taken, however: the Forbes Ave Dunkin Donuts.  I have dibs, and dibs are law.  Let me share a bit about how my life has changed since establishing my very own ESB.

    In the dark ages of mid-August, when I was still a Starbucks drinker, I felt the need to call my hometown friends on a daily basis.  Now, with my very own Dunkin Donuts to call home, I no longer count down the days until I see them again.  In fact, I’ve become something of an asshole; I cannot respond to a text to save my life now that I have a large iced pumpkin swirl with almond milk in each hand.  I make my trip to the Forbes Ave Dunkin on most mornings before my earliest class, ordering on the mobile app prior to my arrival.  And now, you may ask, “Sarah, why would you purposefully order online when lack of human interaction was what drew you to need an ESB in the first place?”  And to that I say, once you’ve felt the love of a chain fast food joint, people only serve as disappointment.  That is to say that the joy you gain from finding your own ESB comes not from the people within the structure, but from the structure itself.  I may never speak to another person again.  

    As I sit here writing this from my seat in the dining area of my Emotional Support Building, I begin to wonder why I wasted the first 18 years of life interacting with non-building entities.  You see, people lie, cheat, and commit heinous acts.  Not buildings, though.  Never buildings.  If you need a sign, this is it: quit people, find your ESB today.  You’ll never look back.  

A bunch of ways you could wear your mask if you want to let people know you are a jerk right off the bat

By The Writers of the Pittiful News

  1. A sleep mask (over your eyes), for when you forget your curtains at home 
  2. Over the shoulder 
  3. As lesbian earrings 
  4. Inside your mouth like an orange slice 
  5. Fanny pack 
  6. DIY Jockstrap 
  7. The Guy Fieri 
  8. As a condom 
  9. Chinstrap for when you want to pretend you play the sportsball
  10. A hammock for rats 
  11. Use as open-sole shoes or very bad, very holey sock
  12. Upon the posterior
  13. As a cute bandeau!
  14. Very small holster for very small gun
  15. Put two across your chest: DIY bralette
  16. One of those armbands for phones that joggers wear but bad
  17. A reusable candy bag for on-the-go snacking
  18. Wear a disney themed mask and be over the age of twenty (See Sikov, Tyler)
  19. A muzzle
  20. Between the eyes 
  21. As a sanitary pad
  22. Pasties 🤠
  23. DIY blunt
  24. Slingshot 
  25. Super trendy headband 
  26. Beach day made easy with the DIY Speedo
  27. Two-face style where it covers half of your face 
  28. Zuko Cosplay
  29. As an umbrella for a very small rain storm
  30. Following the directions in Mask off by Future
  31. Phone case
  32. Hippie bandana
  33. DIY noose 
  34. Drug balloon to swallow
  35. As a purse to carry your miniature poodle
  36. As a miniature poodle to carry in your purse 
  37. Bikini top 
  38. Bikini bottom 
  39. Bikini vers
  40. thong 
  41. Sexy mask costume 
  42. A shwallet
  43. Handcuffs  
  44. Wig
  45. Beard wig
  46. Sexy coronavirus costume
  47. Hairnet
  48. American girl doll clothes  
  49. A sweat towel
  50. Under the nose.