Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

  1. Babies
  2. Discovery
  3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
  4. Teen spirit
  5. Forrest
  6. Lavender
  7. Good smelling cologne
  8. Coffee
  9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
  10. That tree stump
  11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
  12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
  13. Cats
  14. Rotting plants
  15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
  16. A brand new deck of cards
  17. Falling in love
  18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
  19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
  20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

Tax crimes I am committing this season

By Tyler Sikov

As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):

  1. Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
  2. Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
  3. Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
  4. Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
  5. Murder
  6. “Move to Venezuela”
  7. Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
  8. Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
  9. Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
  10. Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
  11. “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
  12. Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
  13. Die
  14. Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
  15. Fake your death
  16. Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
  17. Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
  18. Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
  19. Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
  20. Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe

Pitt to Raise Tuition to Price of One Soul

By Riley Weber

The University of Pittsburgh announced Thursday that the price of tuition would continue to rise. However, instead of the cost being in US Dollars, the price of admission will now be one human soul. Though these currencies are vastly different, the university claims that the payment process will actually be much simpler than before. “We think the students will welcome the change with open arms,” explains University Financial Director Todd Cartwright. “Instead of selling your soul to a bank and them giving us the money, you’re simply selling your soul to us. We’re cutting out the middleman.”

Despite the university’s confidence, some students have received this news with skepticism. “I’m not so sure how exactly they’re going to implement this. If it’s as complicated as the student loan process then who knows when my soul will be disbursed. Luckily, my mom works at the university, so part of her soul counts as my tuition,” said junior Manny Daniels. Another student, Diane Singh, was less optimistic. “Of course, this was bound to happen. The constant rising tuition couldn’t satisfy the university, so they demand eternal servitude. I don’t trust The Gallaghator with these souls either, what is he up to?”

The answer to Singh’s question is darker than expected, according to one high-ranking anonymous university official. “I’ve only heard rumors. Dark, mysterious rumors, whispered in near-silence from quivering lips in the dead of night, kind of near the Indian food truck. They say a long-predicted sacred ritual is coming. A ritual that, if my Latin is correct, roughly translates to ‘The Feast of the Spirits.’ I can’t say much more, as my oath forbids it, but what I can say is that this goes right to the top.” This leaves us wondering, could this anonymous cloaked figure mean Chancellor Gallagher himself? Are dark forces brewing at Pitt? When pressed for comment on his relationship with the occult, Gallagher screeched in a tone heard by both the living and the dead and scurried through a large crack in the cathedral wall.