Cats Smell Nice

By Tyler Sikov (and his cat Peanut butter)

Cats smell nice just out of a bath

Cats smell nice when they help you with math

Cats smell nice when they lick themselves clean

Cats smell nice when their eyes really gleam

Cats smell nice when they hit you on the head

Cats smell nice when they raise the dead

Cats smell nice when they perform a blood sacrifice

Cats smell nice when they hit around a cube of ice

Cats smell nice when they take a drink

Cats smell nice when they wear all pink

Cats smell nice when they greet you at the door

Cats smell nice when they play outside in a downpour

Cats smell nice when they eat your eyes

Cats smell nice when they plan a surprise

Cats smell nice when they hold your hand

Cats smell nice when they do something unplanned

Cats smell nice when they kiss your face

Cats smell nice when they attend jury duty in your place

Cats smell nice when they eat their dinner

Cats smell nice when they behead a sinner

Cats smell nice when they shed their fur

Cats smell nice when they lay there and purr

Pitt Opens Fashion Department for Students Who Kinda Wanna Do Fashion but Told Their Parents They Were Gonna Get a CS Degree

By Savannah Teman

5 Top UK Fashion Schools for International Students ...

Something many students (about 5) have voiced their frustrations about is the lack of fashion and clothing design related courses at the school. Finally, Pitt has picked up on this cry for change and decided to add more fashion-related courses.

Initially, Pitt only had costume design courses, which usually appealed only to theater students that didn’t know how to act but didn’t want to let go of the only personality trait they had in high school. Recently, the school has opened a class on the history of European fashions, noting that if they want students to learn something, they have to start from the literal beginning. The class focuses on the usage of rags in early cavemen days to cover their privates from wild animals in their sleep. Then in the second section of this class, the focus shifts to corset wearing, and why it should be brought back. One of the main projects of the class is to make students wear corsets for a full two weeks to physically feel the effects of a corset on your vital organs. The third and final section of this class brings the topic to a more modern trend: Crocs, or more so, the attempts to erase Crocs from our culture. In Europe, Crocs are not nearly as popular as in America, but Pitt strongly stands by the belief that Crocs are diseased pieces of rubbish that look like jazzed up tires for your feet.

The next class Pitt hopes to add is a basic class on the techniques of sewing and designing clothing. This class will focus on making Edwardian Era fashion because that is as close to modern times that any Pitt department’s material is allowed to get.

Stay tuned for more information about Pitt’s up and coming fashion department here.

 

Kill Them with Kindness

By Tyler Sikov

We all have those people in our life that we want to murder, but some want to go about it in a nice way, so here is a list of nice ways to murder people:

  1. Beat them over the head with a giant foam kindness sign
  2. Take them to a nice movie and poison the popcorn
  3. A single shot to the head
  4. A syringe filled with air between their toes
  5. Toss a goat at them
  6. If they are allergic to cats, hand them a cat
  7. Put them into an escape room that there is no real escape from, make every room in it dangerous, some that make them cut off their own limbs, some that trap them in boxes and try to drown them in fun liquids: like whipped cream, ketchup, or melted blue raspberry shaved ice. A room that has them jump of a boiling pot of acid, a room that has buzz saws that fly out of the walls, and most importantly always give them the sense that they can escape if they work hard enough, put windows that have bars on them, show them the exit door and have signs that point to the exit, or give them some contact in the outside, like a phone call or a letter that you tell them they can deliver themselves.
  8. Light them on fire then put them out with a fire extinguisher, suffocating the fire and them
  9. Take them skydiving but sabotage their parachute
  10. Turn into a werewolf on the full moon and remove their head
  11. Make them fall in love with you, fake your death and hope they go all Romeo and Juliet on you, and just kill themselves.
  12. Kiss them for so long that they run out of air and become unconscious, toss them into a bag, and throw them off a bridge, then once you realize that they could survive that, track them down and repeat this method until they are actually dead.
  13. Teach them to sword swallow but do a bad job in the instructions