How the writers of the Pittiful News spent their MLK day

By the writers of the Pittiful news

Monday January 18, 2021 is MLK Day, a Day of Service ...
  • I went to therapy. 
  • I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
  • I brushed some teeth.  Not mine but we’ll get there eventually. 
  • I got to third base with my cat.
    • That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
  • I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
  • I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.   
  • I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate. 
  • I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
  • I blocked my aunt on Facebook
  • I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
  • I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
  • I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
  • My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
  • I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge. 
  • I had a gay thought.
  • I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
  • I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016. 
  • Admired a banana sticker
  • I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty. 
  • I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
  • I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables.  Right as we were making plans, too.  How sad!
  • Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
  • I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create.  Now I know you can make boards private.  You live and you learn.
  • I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
  • Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.  
  • Slept in.
  • Watched the Inauguration.
  • Kidnapped several children.
  • I watched this video.
  • I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year. 
  • Committing various war crimes 
  • Got shot while standing on a balcony  

0ur $3cr3t $@nt@ VV1sh L1st

By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule

5 best tools to organize your Secret Santa gift exchange - Komando.com

Confidential, for santa’s eyes only

  • Dog head mask 
  • Viagra for women
  • Claritin-D for men
  • DIY milk bath
  • Winter Candy Apple candle from Bath and Body Works
  • Debt forgiveness
  • Clairo
  • Fish sticks; my parents refuse to buy them for me after the choking incident of ‘05 
  • A new bathtub; it still reeks of fish sticks after the choking incident of ‘05
  • A new tub of Miralax; it’s the secret ingredient in the best cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
  • Some new stand-up specials
  • The resurgence of an unmoderated Tumblr
  • A new tub of Cyanide; it’s the secret ingredient in the last cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
  • The feeling of listening to Ariana Grande’s 34+35 for the first time 
  • Cats
  • Cats on blu-ray
  • Kittens in mittens
  • True love
  • 1 partridge in a pear tree
  • 2 turtle doves
  • 3 silver rings
  • 4 bags of cat hair
  • 5 new Ed Sheeran songs
  • 6 additional wishes 
  • 7 spoons of mashed potatoes
  • 8 maps to the new world
  • 9 howler monkeys
  • 10 court jesters 
  • 11 offshore bank accounts
  • 12 selfies with Mr. Noodle’s brother Mr. Noodle from the Elmo show
  • Froot Loops
  • The Country 
  • Country Crock
  • The Lööp
  • For Gritty to notice me 
  • Happiness 
  • Jackbox 8
  • A vegan ice cream cake
  • More cats 
  • Vegan milk chocolate, like seriously just use one of the many vegan milks, it is not that hard
  • An additional spoon of mashed potatoes 
  • A chinchilla  
  • And a partridge in a pear tree 

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