Opinion: Why Cathy Should Have a Festivus Pole

By Blair Kriz

It’s that magical time of year. The campus has been decorated since before Thanksgiving, it’s a cold and rainy wonderland outside, and the crows have decorated the ground with various shades of grey and white. It’s almost Christmas! Or Hanukkah! Or some other holiday! Or nothing, if you follow another religion or if you’re just that really boring kind of atheist. If you’ve been to the Cathedral of Learning recently, you’ll notice that it has been appropriately decorated for the season. Well, almost. I propose that Cathy should be decorated for Festivus.
If you’re unfamiliar with Festivus, go watch season nine episode ten of Seinfeld. This article will still be here when you’re done. For those of you pretending to have better things to do, here’s a summary of the holiday: Festivus is celebrated on December 23rd by having dinner with your friends and family and participating in the “Airing of Grievances,” in which you tell everyone how they’ve disappointed you over the past year. After dinner, the head of the family challenges a member of the feast to a wrestling match known as the “Feats of Strength.” Easily explained occurrences are referred to as “Festivus Miracles,” and the holiday’s decorations consist solely of a plain aluminum pole in contrast to the flashy consumerism of Christmas.
This wonderful holiday should be celebrated and promoted at Pitt for a variety of reasons. Recognizing Festivus would help bring about the spirit of inclusivity here on campus. The kind of people who think they’re funnier than they actually are (e.g. everyone who writes for the Pittiful News) dig this holiday for its irreverent jabs at our culture. Those atheists I mentioned earlier who are the super stuck-up kind and not the kind who’re just about breaking the rules will finally have a perfect secular December holiday. Ultra-hardcore liberals will find solace in its anti-consumerist messages. Which leads us to the next big reason: we’re all broke college students. We just can’t afford to buy expensive gifts for our loved ones for a mega-commercialized holiday that was once about Jesus or something. With the exorbitant tuition we pay, the option to celebrate a holiday that doesn’t require us to spend any more money should be included in it. And finally, I think that a Festivus pole would be perfect in Cathy because they are both vaguely phallic. I performed a ritual with the Pitt Necromancy Club to reanimate Sigmund Freud and ask his opinion on the matter, and he said they absolutely are.
The only reason I could see the campus not wanting to spread Festivus cheer is that we might air our grievances about Chancellor Gallagher. But the truth is we would just do that anyway. Just look at any issue of this paper. Pitt has no reason not to adopt this wonderful holiday that will bring endless happiness and feats of strength to our campus.

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