Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

  1. Babies
  2. Discovery
  3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
  4. Teen spirit
  5. Forrest
  6. Lavender
  7. Good smelling cologne
  8. Coffee
  9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
  10. That tree stump
  11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
  12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
  13. Cats
  14. Rotting plants
  15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
  16. A brand new deck of cards
  17. Falling in love
  18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
  19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
  20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

An Incomplete List of Sandwich Ingredients

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Sonya Acharya

  1. Bread
  2. Soap
  3. Soup
  4. Hot Sauce
  5. Cheese-Itz
  6. Fitbit watches
  7. Sunset Dream Yankee Candles
  8. Head n’ Shoulders 5-in-1 Men’s Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Face Wash, and Sunscreen (SPF 613) with AXE scent
  9. Pomegranates
  10. Whole sticks of celery
  11.  Anti-inflammatory medications
  12.  Rice that’s crunchy on the outside
  13. Multiple decks of cards
  14. Bananas
  15. Bandanas
  16. Savannahs
  17. BEES
  18. Pencils
  19. Flatbread pizza
  20. Diamonds
  21. A Sandwich
  22. Hard Boiled eggs
  23. A Tesla Cyber truck
  24. Double stuffed baked potatoes
  25. Your tongue
  26. Russian nesting dolls
  27. Hershey’s™ kisses
  28. Airpods
  29. Cat toys
  30. Under armour quarter zips

 

Pitt Opens Fashion Department for Students Who Kinda Wanna Do Fashion but Told Their Parents They Were Gonna Get a CS Degree

By Savannah Teman

5 Top UK Fashion Schools for International Students ...

Something many students (about 5) have voiced their frustrations about is the lack of fashion and clothing design related courses at the school. Finally, Pitt has picked up on this cry for change and decided to add more fashion-related courses.

Initially, Pitt only had costume design courses, which usually appealed only to theater students that didn’t know how to act but didn’t want to let go of the only personality trait they had in high school. Recently, the school has opened a class on the history of European fashions, noting that if they want students to learn something, they have to start from the literal beginning. The class focuses on the usage of rags in early cavemen days to cover their privates from wild animals in their sleep. Then in the second section of this class, the focus shifts to corset wearing, and why it should be brought back. One of the main projects of the class is to make students wear corsets for a full two weeks to physically feel the effects of a corset on your vital organs. The third and final section of this class brings the topic to a more modern trend: Crocs, or more so, the attempts to erase Crocs from our culture. In Europe, Crocs are not nearly as popular as in America, but Pitt strongly stands by the belief that Crocs are diseased pieces of rubbish that look like jazzed up tires for your feet.

The next class Pitt hopes to add is a basic class on the techniques of sewing and designing clothing. This class will focus on making Edwardian Era fashion because that is as close to modern times that any Pitt department’s material is allowed to get.

Stay tuned for more information about Pitt’s up and coming fashion department here.

 

A Day in the Life of a Pittiful News Writer: Quarantine edition

By Tyler Sikov

7 AM, the usual morning lineup
Start on the chores and sweep ’til the floor’s all clean
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up
Sweep again and by then it’s like 7:15

And so I’ll read a book
Or maybe two or three
I’ll add a few new paintings
To my gallery

I’ll play guitar and knit
And cook and basically
Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then, after lunch, it’s puzzles and darts and baking
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making
Then I’ll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb, sew a dress

And I’ll reread the books
If I have time to spare
I’ll paint the walls some more
I’m sure there’s room somewhere

And then I’ll brush and brush
And brush and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I’ve always been

And I’ll keep wanderin’ and wanderin’
And wanderin’ and wonderin’
When will my life begin?

And tomorrow night, the lights will appear
Just like they do on my birthday each year
What is it like out there where they glow?
Now that I’m older, mother might just let me go

2020 Apocalypse Madness

by Tyler, Abby, Savannah, Sonya

realbracketappco

Here is our bracket for what the next apocalypse will be, we could not chose a winner between Catgirl Chipotle and Goth Girlfriends, While we work on making that decision through an article we plan to write next week, fill out this poll, we want to hear what you think the next apocalypse will be (pick your literal poison).

Here are the fully spelled out apocalypses:

  1. Catgirl Chipotle opening day turns into a series of violent riots among people who want to be among the first customers
  2. 2012 by Jay Sean (But it is the End Of the World and we can’t party)
  3. We finally find out what those are (the answer to “WHAT ARE THOOOSE?”)
  4. The Singularity hits but it’s just Earth’s hard reboot
  5. Tupac dies, for real this time, leading to a wormhole that sucks everyone in and sends them to different times, some get sent to May 6th 1937 and get to ride the LZ 129, an early version of the goodyear blimp, while others get sent to June 28th 1914.
  6. Another recall of romaine lettuce
  7. Extreme Black Friday
  8. A visit from the occupants of that weird UFO I’ve been seeing around?
  9. The government decides to burn all literature other than the Bee Movie script, Fahrenheit 451-style
    1. Jerry Seinfeld becomes all the world knows. Jerry becomes our god. We only know bees and terrible comedy.
  10. Homicidal Bees
  11. We all just turn into our parents
  12. X Æ A-12 (Kyle)  is actually Satan
    1. Kyle grows up to unleash their power on the world at some point in their life. They decide to destroy everything in their wake.
  13. No more bees :(
  14. 2 Corona 2 Virus
  15. Goth girlfriends releasing all of their energy at once
  16. Fidget spinners make a comeback