Going to the Store

By Tyler Sikov

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Today I am going to the store. I am going to the store to get milk. My dad went to the store to get milk 10 years ago. He never came back, so my mom and I have been vegan ever since. I am getting a bit tired of never having that sweet cow juice so I am going to the store. When I show up at the store, I obviously get distracted by the giant inflatable man doing a dance in front of the store. I then realize that I have arrived at a car dealership and not a grocery store. I correct my mistake and arrive at the grocery store. Once I get there I go straight to the dairy aisle. I have never been in this aisle before. It is very cold here. I find the door that has milk behind it. The second I open the door an arm grabs me.

I am pulled into a sunny meadow and immediately given a firm handshake and a pat on the back by a familiar man. MY DAD! It’s my dad. I found him. I look out into the expanse and notice thousands of other dads playing catch, grilling, golfing, and talking over a beer. My dad says, “Son, how have you been?”. To which I reply, “great, now that I found you. We can go home!”. He looks at me with a look in his eye that says ‘why would we want to leave’. He tells me that he does not want to leave and that I should not either. He tells me that he went to get milk and was pulled into here. Once he got here, he was surrounded by other dads who all liked the same things he did, he did not have to go to work to support a family or put up with going to things he did not want to. He told me that he missed me and was glad to see that I was now here.

My dad told me that no one ages here. So, I came in as a 21-year-old, I will stay 21 for as long as I stay in here. Time still passes but when I leave here, I will leave as a 21-year-old.  I ask my dad what he does all day. He tells me “whatever we want”. It seems that we can play or watch any sport we want. We can do anything any dad wants to do, like go to a strip club, or miss his kids’ sports games. I admit that this place looks amazing and I could stay here forever if I wanted to. I would have no responsibilities, I would never need to get a job or work hard at anything, I would just get to have fun for all eternity, with my dad!

For this magical world inside of a milk cooler, they have a lack of milk. I asked if there was any milk here, and they said no, that is why they all did not leave at first is that they did not want to disappoint their families by coming back empty handed. This was of course a deal breaker for me because I came here without telling my mom, so she would not expect me to come back with milk. I will reiterate that I need that sweet, delectable, cow juice. So, I play games and spend some time with my dad, and all the other dads. They all called me sport, I guess they missed that from the real world as well. I then left this almost perfect world. But now I know that in every dairy aisle, the door that contains the milk is actually a portal to an endless utopia for dads. Now that I know this, I can go back and visit my dad any time I want. It is great to know that my dad and all the other dads that we thought were deadbeats are actually off living their best life.

If your dad is still around, tell him about this place. As they say, if you love something let it go. Also, while you are talking to them. Wish them a happy Father’s Day from those of us who do not get to see our dad unless we take a trip to the supermarket.

 

People you don’t expect to come to your door during the Shelter in Place order

By Tyler Sikov

 

  1.   A Door to Door salesman
  2.   Dr. Anthony Fauci
  3.   A Birthday Clown
  4.   Christmas Carolers
  5.   A Bear
  6.   Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria
  7.   Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev holding a brick
  8.   Margret Thatcher
  9.   Woodrow Wilson with 14 pencils
  10.   Henry VIII with a very smelly mystery basket
  11.   Captain Ernst August Lehmann in a Led Zeppelin shirt
  12.   John Mulaney and Princess Diana
  13.   The Zodiac Killer
  14.   Carl Jung and his shadow
  15.   Gavrilo Princip
  16.   Ivan trying to not be Terrible
  17.   Alexander the OK
  18.   Genghis Khan and his 4 sons
  19.   The real-life versions of the Disney Princesses
  20.   All of the Pittiful News writers