Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

My Quest for Coffee

By Tyler Sikov

I “woke up” this morning, by this I mean I got out of bed and needed coffee. I can never get enough of that sweet caffeinated goodness. When I get to my kitchen, I notice that my coffee desk is empty. I dread going to the store because they keep asking me to stop licking the mannequins. I will stop when they stop making the mannequins so tasty! So, I decide to go to Groovy Smoothie, my local smoothie shop. Once I get there, I order 12 shots of Expresso dumped into a big gulp cup with the rest of the cup filled with black coffee. Before I can pay, the manager comes over and tries to sell me bagels on a stick. I tell him multiple times that I do not want his bagels but after a while it seems clear that he will not give me my coffee until I order bagels. So, I order bagels and am then told that it will be an hour, so I wait the hour. I get my bagels and am informed that they ran out of coffee. Disappointedly, I leave and venture to Dunkin Donuts. I get to Dunkin and I ask for coffee and some donuts. As I said the word “donuts”, I am arrested and they bring me to trial for my crimes against humanity. I escape Guantanamo bay and make my way to Coffee Tree. Once I arrive, I go looking around at the plants to see which one is the famed coffee tree. I don’t immediately see it so I decide I should taste the plants to see if they contain coffee. The Manager, Tree Beard, and the bartender, another Ent from Middle Earth named Nimloth, come and escort me out of the shop. My journey continues when I make it to Crazy Mocha. I walk up to the bartender who is obviously a goat. His nametag said Odis, so I knew he was one of Thor’s goats. Odis then began complaining about how his master kills him every day. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes down and the shop is gone. I am standing in front of an empty storefront alone. I go to my least favorite coffee shop, Starbucks. It is my last choice because the mermaid lady and I used to date, and we did not part on good terms. I mean when you go and make a deal with an evil sea octopus squid thing, lose your voice, and cheat on me with a prince while brushing your hair with a fork, or as you used to call it a dinglehopper, I have a reason to break up with you and steal Sebastian to be a new pet of mine. When I show up at this sea witch’s café I go to the counter and order a large coffee, I am immediately stabbed for saying another forbidden word. This is added to my ever-expanding list of crimes against humanity, treason, and other nefarious crimes I enjoy committing. So, I ask for a Venti black coffee and a Puppuccino. My coffee shows up first, I drink it in under a second. My Puppuccino comes out next and the barista asks me what type of dog I have. I answer, “I don’t have a dog, I have a cat”. Once I finish telling him that I shove my face into the Puppuccino and begin smearing the whipped cream all over my face. Security picks me up and drags me out of the shop. I get home, my face still dripping with whipped cream. My cat comes to greet me by screaming and then thoroughly licking my face. You have not felt true happiness until you have felt the rough tongue of a cat licking your face while simultaneously vibrating because of how much said cat is purring.  By this time, it is almost 10pm, time for bed. As I get into bed and my cat joins me, I think about how today was a good day. I got my coffee and my cat got to lick some whipped cream off of me. I wonder what adventures we will get up to tomorrow, hopefully more licking is involved.