What the club you quit after one GBM says about you

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age

Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips

Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov

Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)

Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay. 

Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.

Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.

Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided

Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut.  You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball.  Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?  

Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club

Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life. 

Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.

Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind 

Greek life: not enough spray tan. 

Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(

Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person. 

Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic

The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings

The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him

Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.

Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish

Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.

Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance

Business Club: You’re not a business student?

Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24

French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you

Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.

Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised 

Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming  an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join. 

Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump

Pitt Amnesia: What club?

Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65

Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT 

Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.

Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”

Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.

Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all

Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.

Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol. 

Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.

Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5

Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie

Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?

Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show 

American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway

JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art

Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right

PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.

Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship

Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.

Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior

Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant

Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards? 

Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten

Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.

Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm

Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA

Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.

Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you? 

Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(

The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?

Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.

Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream

Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud

Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant. 

Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.

PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.

Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.

Pitt Cthulhu Club: c̴̳̳̾̐t̶̰̐̏h̴͎̟̆͗̐̕ͅu̵͈͖͎̮͑͊͐l̷̝̓̍h̵̫͕̣̞̒͑̈́ṳ̷̑ ̷͇͂f̵̠̗͛̊͛̀’̸̜̔t̴̯͘ä̸̘̳͉̑̿ģ̵̪͉̍̂h̵̜͈̠̫͒̕n̷̪͝

Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story. 

Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.

Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*

Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club

USITT: u stand.

UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”

Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety. 

PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers” 

Pittiful News: you read any of our articles.