Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Provost+Ann+Cudd+speaks+at+a+Student+Government+Board+meeting+on+Oct.+24%2C+2018.

Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.

 

2020 Apocalypse Madness

by Tyler, Abby, Savannah, Sonya

realbracketappco

Here is our bracket for what the next apocalypse will be, we could not chose a winner between Catgirl Chipotle and Goth Girlfriends, While we work on making that decision through an article we plan to write next week, fill out this poll, we want to hear what you think the next apocalypse will be (pick your literal poison).

Here are the fully spelled out apocalypses:

  1. Catgirl Chipotle opening day turns into a series of violent riots among people who want to be among the first customers
  2. 2012 by Jay Sean (But it is the End Of the World and we can’t party)
  3. We finally find out what those are (the answer to “WHAT ARE THOOOSE?”)
  4. The Singularity hits but it’s just Earth’s hard reboot
  5. Tupac dies, for real this time, leading to a wormhole that sucks everyone in and sends them to different times, some get sent to May 6th 1937 and get to ride the LZ 129, an early version of the goodyear blimp, while others get sent to June 28th 1914.
  6. Another recall of romaine lettuce
  7. Extreme Black Friday
  8. A visit from the occupants of that weird UFO I’ve been seeing around?
  9. The government decides to burn all literature other than the Bee Movie script, Fahrenheit 451-style
    1. Jerry Seinfeld becomes all the world knows. Jerry becomes our god. We only know bees and terrible comedy.
  10. Homicidal Bees
  11. We all just turn into our parents
  12. X Æ A-12 (Kyle)  is actually Satan
    1. Kyle grows up to unleash their power on the world at some point in their life. They decide to destroy everything in their wake.
  13. No more bees :(
  14. 2 Corona 2 Virus
  15. Goth girlfriends releasing all of their energy at once
  16. Fidget spinners make a comeback

 

Cats (the musical) is an abomination before God

By Sonya Acharya
image.png
    
     I recently watched Cats (the musical). Luckily, I watched it on YouTube, which allowed
me to take the precautions necessary to consume this horrifying piece of media with minimum personal damage. That meant watching the show (which, remember, is just shy of 2 hours long) in 3 sittings, on 3 separate days. That’s a weird way to watch a thing. But I had to prevent my brain from crumpling in on itself. It could have been worse. I tried watching it months ago, but that recording had twin cats jump out of a sewer pipe and hip-thrust repeatedly, 15 seconds in. I only made it twenty minutes before my brain just shut down. That recording also didn’t have great audio, so I’m actually impressed that I survived 20 entire minutes without knowing what they were doing or why. This time, the functional audio and lack of early hip-thrusts kept my spirit alive (though flickering) for like 40 minutes. After that, I had to scrape the remains of my brain off my skull and regroup. But overnight, I realized that painful as this was, I’m not a quitter, so the next day, I picked up where I’d left off.

To understand my experience, you have to know what I was seeing. Imagine humans.
Wearing skin-tight cat/morph/body suits (why the fuck does it have so many names when it shouldn’t exist at all?) with fur on the arms and legs and face/head. Also their faces are painted like if clowns tried to do cat makeup. And they have tails. It’s super unsettling to watch human-cat-Devil-things strutting around twirling their tails. They stand like fucking giraffes. Stretch your legs way apart. More than that. Are you doing a full split on the ground? Then a little less than that. Are you uncomfortable? No? Then join the cast of Cats, join your people, accept your fate. These creatures all sing and dance. Apparently they were choreographed to mimic real cats, but that’s a fucking lie. They move like snakes or spaghetti or something oozy, like toxic slime.
     Why and how did this musical do as well as it did? Who exactly has been signing up to
watch it? Is it like a kinky-thing cult classic or something? Maybe there are only like eight
people, but they really REALLY like it, and they alone are responsible for the rise of
anthropomorphic feline nightmare-fuel. Now that I say it, it’s definitely a kink thing. Remember how the coronavirus has been called “unprecedented”? Well Cats was also called “unprecedented”. An unprecedented success. I haven’t an everlasting fuck of an idea how it was a success, but I can guarantee that no-one, except maybe T.S. Eliot, anticipated Cats.
     I don’t feel like reliving the experience to give you all the details. Sitting down to the
third and final session was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. You haven’t known hell until human-cat-Devil-things are trying to seduce you, when you’re actively not being seduced, when you’re in fact being repulsed as extremely as possible. That’s it, that’s what it’s like, the whole time. I will grant that of the 23 musical numbers, I enjoyed 3 or 4. Unfortunately, by thinking that, I’m now contractually required to watch Cats (2019), the movie. With the musical, I can curl up in the fetal position and tell myself that it’s just fursuits, face paint, and gloves, but CGI is a form of psychological warfare to convince you that things are real. I’ll be watching the movie sometime soon, and if you don’t hear back, I’ve probably died. So this might be goodbye.