Gallagator: ‘Anticipate’ Flex@Pitt, compressed schedule next semester (Updated with Information that we got from REDACTED REDACTED)

By the writers of the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold

Chancellor Patrick Star Gallagator Jr. the Third said Thursday that he expects the Flex@Pitt model to continue into the spring semester due to the ongoing COVID-19 celebration. He also said it’s likely that next semester’s schedule will be compressed, stressed, but always well-dressed, similar to the fall semester so there aren’t vacations where people leave and come back. They just leave you. Forever. Without even a note or a goodbye kiss. 

“The planning context for the spring is that the virus is still with us in our hearts,” Gallagator said. “I don’t think we’re looking at a significant change in the mainframe, until there’s a significant change in the pandemic’s pandemic-ness.”

Gallagator and other University Authoritarians discussed Pitt’s future plans in response to the COVID-69 celebration (COVID@Pitt) as well as current statistics surrounding the virus and Microsoft outlook, at Thursday afternoon’s Galactic Senate meeting. 

This announcement comes in the wake of Pitt adding 22,000 new POVID-19 cases between last Friday and Monday continuing an upward trend in reported cases, though less than in previous case reports. Eight of the last seven days have seen sextuple-digit increases in student cases, according to data reported by that guy outside of the Forbes McDonald’s who asked me for a light.

The University has had a total of 221,420,069 students and 69,420 employees test positive since June 26, with 152 students and 27 employees recovered, unfortunately

Pitt has been using the new Flex@Pitt teaching model, which allows students to attend classes “remotely.” The fall semester began early on Aug. 19 with online-only classes, with exemptions made for: ASTRO 0069 Exploring Uranus, PEDC 0420 How To Orgy, and HINDI 1337 Kama Sutra; and classes will end on Nov. 20 for Thanksgiving break. Students will not return to campus after Thanksgiving, or ever, instead finishing classes remotely through the end of the world on Dec. 31.  

At the meeting, Elise Martin, a member of the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing (CUNT), clarified many of Pitt’s current KOVID-19 case statistics. She said around 98% of infected students are undergraduates, and only 10% are human. She also screamed into a conveniently-placed bullhorn about how 80% of positive cases are among students on the extraterrestrial campuses (Space@Pitt).

Martin also said numbers for the next case report — which will be released yesterday — look “embarrassing” and do not include a “significant” increase in CHOVID-19 case numbers as of today. 

“We’re pleased that we’re starting to flatten that ass, which is really where we need to be to have a profitable semester,” Martin whispered into the deafening silence. Or perhaps she was never speaking to begin with. 

But when Tuesday’s case report was released, Pitt’s LOVID-19 Medical Response Office said the number of positive cases “remains high enough to satisfy the dark gods that dwell beneath the Cathedral of Learning.”

“While no new positive cases were reported on Sunday and Monday of this week, the positive case count on the Pittsburgh campus remains higher than a mf,” the office said, personified. “We need to bring this number down, and we can, through continued migration efforts such as flying south as the winter months approach. If we continue to engage in safe sex, the virus will continue to spread and disrupt our mass exodus.”

Martin added that the COVID-19 Unit to Normalize Testing has not found that in-person classes are a “significant source of transformers.”  She also said Pitt would continue its mass student surveillance program with the goal of testing about 25% of each student’s body every month

Pitt began moving classes in-person on Monday (School@Pitt). Provost Ann Cudd, First of Her Name, announced last week that faculty members can apply to teach their classes in-person if there is an “acceptable loss” for in-person instruction, and if an instructor’s dean or regional campus warlord approves teaching plans. Unfortunately, there are probably more YOVID-Yineteen cases at Pitt than people who actually read any email with the subject “A Message from Provost Ann E. Cudd.” 

Gallagator also announced that the strategic Plan for Pitt (or Plan@Pitt) 2049 will not be finalized until the next academic year to incorporate Pitt’s response to the ZOVID-19 pandemic, racial and social justice initiatives and environmental concerns. Gallagator said in June following George Floyd’s killing that it would be put on hold indefinitely to include strategies to increase racial equity on campus.

Gallagator also reported on the University’s current budget outlook. He said the situation is still “explosive” with concerns over future state funding, and he is once again asking for the support of viewers like you. The General Assembly passed a funding bill flatter than my ass for the University in May, providing some shmoney surety for Pitt, and Gallagator said enrollment rates remained relatively quirky

“The best case scenario is still a sticky pickle for the University. This wasn’t a difference between being in the black or in the red,” Gallagator shrieked in a tone so high only dogs could hear him. “We were always going to be in the red, the question is how deep I’m going to be in your mom.

Greetings from Pitt’s 2020 Commencement (Virtual)

By: Sonya Acharya

The high cost of graduation ceremonies - Study International

It’s been a grand total of 22 days since Pitt did a virtual graduation thing on Zoom, because where else would they do it, everything’s on Zoom now. OK I lied, it was actually on YouTube. I’ve only just come out of my coma, which lasted 22 days because I was in mourning due to personal reasons, including but not limited to the fact that I’m going to be 22 years old. All of this goes to say that only now can I share my thoughts on the virtual graduation thing.

Here’s a link if you want to follow along! https://youtu.be/lh0CJDk9t80

Thought #1: Highly recommend tuning in if you’re in the mood to tear up at the experience of hearing Pomp and Circumstance while watching a vertical panning shot of Cathy.

Thought #2: I’m not so sold on these choppy jump-cuts of campus buildings and scenes (hello to the Music Building which I haven’t seen since Fall 2017, and R.I.P. to the 10A running on Bigelow) set to the “Alma Mater” song.

Thought #3: Yesss the victory lights!!! (Nooo to the vertical laser)

Thought #4: Gallagher misses us? That’s new. *tears up* This is the first time I’m seeing him and hearing him at the same time. Simply wild.

Thought #5: Cue the stock phrases about how we’ve adapted to these changing times.

Thought #6 / Interruption: Maybe I should stop referring to these as thoughts.

7: Wow I can see that he’s reading out this speech, probably from the same computer that’s recording him.

8: I wonder if he’s in his house at 718 Devonshire St. Maybe I should go there the next time I go for a walk. Maybe I should tap on the windows and make hissy noises to see if I can get him to move.

9: The second wave of cut-shots of people having fun without me, set to what is apparently “The Panther Fight Song”, are giving me a headache ☹

10: Made the 2020 vision joke, that we were supposed to have *gasp* 2020 vision but we didn’t *gasp* see this coming. *GASP*

11: Said the words “unprecedented time”

Edit: someone said it again

Edit #2: someone said “unusual times”. Probably multiple instances

Edit #3: also “trying times”, also probably multiple.

12: Comparisons I didn’t see coming – Pitt students are strong like bridges and tangy like Heinz ketchup.

13: Ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a face for the name of Provost Anne E. Cudd. She’s the only one thus far who’s worn academic regalia. Either she missed the memo, or everyone else missed the memo. Regardless, Ann E. is killing that hat.

14: Patrick D. Gallagher wants me to stand for formality even if I’m the only one in the room? Okay Patty, I’ll do it, but you WISH you could shake my hand.

15: Dear Patrick D. Gallagher, What is the fucking point of you sending me a virtual diploma? Sincerely (but not much), Sonya

16: You look forward to putting the real thing in my hands? Don’t bullshit me Pat, the real one will be shoved into my mailbox in the end of July.

17: Damn, we get a speech from Tom Wolf!! Also Joanne Rogers!! And Rachel Levine! Those are a few of the few names I recognize. *tears up at some point* I appreciate all the love and stock phrases being showered upon me by strangers.

18: I do not understand why I’m tearing up yet again. I’ve done it about 4 times already and it’s only been 25 minutes. This is very new to me because I rarely cry. The only movies I cry at are Up because duh, Inside Out (against my will, for Bing Bong), and Little Women (2019).

19: I AM LIVING FOR BRADY-BRUNCH-STYLE PITT BAND PLAYING “SWEET CAROLINE” WITH FIREWORKS

20: small comment, after weeks of my professors referencing The Brady Brunch, I still do not know exactly what The Brady Brunch is, and at this point I’m almost too afraid to ask.

21: Fuck it, I never asked questions in college and that’s why I’m like this.

22: Who are the Bradys? Why are they having brunch? What’s special about this brunch of theirs? What does that have to do with Zoom?