A Day in the Life of a Pittiful News Writer: Quarantine edition

By Tyler Sikov

7 AM, the usual morning lineup
Start on the chores and sweep ’til the floor’s all clean
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop and shine up
Sweep again and by then it’s like 7:15

And so I’ll read a book
Or maybe two or three
I’ll add a few new paintings
To my gallery

I’ll play guitar and knit
And cook and basically
Just wonder when will my life begin?

Then, after lunch, it’s puzzles and darts and baking
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making
Then I’ll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb, sew a dress

And I’ll reread the books
If I have time to spare
I’ll paint the walls some more
I’m sure there’s room somewhere

And then I’ll brush and brush
And brush and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I’ve always been

And I’ll keep wanderin’ and wanderin’
And wanderin’ and wonderin’
When will my life begin?

And tomorrow night, the lights will appear
Just like they do on my birthday each year
What is it like out there where they glow?
Now that I’m older, mother might just let me go

Tax crimes I am committing this season

By Tyler Sikov

As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):

  1. Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
  2. Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
  3. Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
  4. Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
  5. Murder
  6. “Move to Venezuela”
  7. Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
  8. Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
  9. Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
  10. Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
  11. “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
  12. Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
  13. Die
  14. Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
  15. Fake your death
  16. Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
  17. Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
  18. Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
  19. Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
  20. Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe