Tax crimes I am committing this season

By Tyler Sikov

As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):

  1. Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
  2. Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
  3. Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
  4. Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
  5. Murder
  6. “Move to Venezuela”
  7. Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
  8. Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
  9. Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
  10. Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
  11. “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
  12. Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
  13. Die
  14. Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
  15. Fake your death
  16. Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
  17. Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
  18. Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
  19. Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
  20. Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe

An Incomplete List of Things to add to your Cereal

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

 

  1. Water
  2. Orange juice
  3. Straight vodka
  4. The concept of time
  5. Every banger on the soundtrack of Shrek (2001)
  6. Your dog
  7. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (a loud scream)
  8. Sap
  9. Pasta water
  10. The Cranberries
  11. A flight of craft beers from your nearest and most hipsterest craft brewery
  12. My dog
  13. Pepsi (Coke is Not OK)
  14. Bone hurting juice
  15. Blood
  16. A quad espresso and a large Red Bull
  17. The bible
  18. Maple syrup
  19. Candy corn
  20. Gasoline
  21. My friend Terri
  22. Almond milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, macadamia milk, and other nut milks
  23. Whole strawberries, like they do on the front of the box
    1. Wait this doesn’t taste good, who thought of this
  24. Barber Shop 2
  25. A collection of small toy soldiers who you are almost certain are planning an uprising against you
  26. Your Mom, cause she’s a snack
  27. A 3-D printed Save symbol, a.k.a. A floppy disc
    1. Wait, do kids still remember those?
      1. No, no they do not.
  28. Little tiny knives, to make breakfast more exciting
  29. A horcrux
  30. Salsa

 

Kill Them with Kindness

By Tyler Sikov

We all have those people in our life that we want to murder, but some want to go about it in a nice way, so here is a list of nice ways to murder people:

  1. Beat them over the head with a giant foam kindness sign
  2. Take them to a nice movie and poison the popcorn
  3. A single shot to the head
  4. A syringe filled with air between their toes
  5. Toss a goat at them
  6. If they are allergic to cats, hand them a cat
  7. Put them into an escape room that there is no real escape from, make every room in it dangerous, some that make them cut off their own limbs, some that trap them in boxes and try to drown them in fun liquids: like whipped cream, ketchup, or melted blue raspberry shaved ice. A room that has them jump of a boiling pot of acid, a room that has buzz saws that fly out of the walls, and most importantly always give them the sense that they can escape if they work hard enough, put windows that have bars on them, show them the exit door and have signs that point to the exit, or give them some contact in the outside, like a phone call or a letter that you tell them they can deliver themselves.
  8. Light them on fire then put them out with a fire extinguisher, suffocating the fire and them
  9. Take them skydiving but sabotage their parachute
  10. Turn into a werewolf on the full moon and remove their head
  11. Make them fall in love with you, fake your death and hope they go all Romeo and Juliet on you, and just kill themselves.
  12. Kiss them for so long that they run out of air and become unconscious, toss them into a bag, and throw them off a bridge, then once you realize that they could survive that, track them down and repeat this method until they are actually dead.
  13. Teach them to sword swallow but do a bad job in the instructions

My Quest for Coffee

By Tyler Sikov

I “woke up” this morning, by this I mean I got out of bed and needed coffee. I can never get enough of that sweet caffeinated goodness. When I get to my kitchen, I notice that my coffee desk is empty. I dread going to the store because they keep asking me to stop licking the mannequins. I will stop when they stop making the mannequins so tasty! So, I decide to go to Groovy Smoothie, my local smoothie shop. Once I get there, I order 12 shots of Expresso dumped into a big gulp cup with the rest of the cup filled with black coffee. Before I can pay, the manager comes over and tries to sell me bagels on a stick. I tell him multiple times that I do not want his bagels but after a while it seems clear that he will not give me my coffee until I order bagels. So, I order bagels and am then told that it will be an hour, so I wait the hour. I get my bagels and am informed that they ran out of coffee. Disappointedly, I leave and venture to Dunkin Donuts. I get to Dunkin and I ask for coffee and some donuts. As I said the word “donuts”, I am arrested and they bring me to trial for my crimes against humanity. I escape Guantanamo bay and make my way to Coffee Tree. Once I arrive, I go looking around at the plants to see which one is the famed coffee tree. I don’t immediately see it so I decide I should taste the plants to see if they contain coffee. The Manager, Tree Beard, and the bartender, another Ent from Middle Earth named Nimloth, come and escort me out of the shop. My journey continues when I make it to Crazy Mocha. I walk up to the bartender who is obviously a goat. His nametag said Odis, so I knew he was one of Thor’s goats. Odis then began complaining about how his master kills him every day. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes down and the shop is gone. I am standing in front of an empty storefront alone. I go to my least favorite coffee shop, Starbucks. It is my last choice because the mermaid lady and I used to date, and we did not part on good terms. I mean when you go and make a deal with an evil sea octopus squid thing, lose your voice, and cheat on me with a prince while brushing your hair with a fork, or as you used to call it a dinglehopper, I have a reason to break up with you and steal Sebastian to be a new pet of mine. When I show up at this sea witch’s café I go to the counter and order a large coffee, I am immediately stabbed for saying another forbidden word. This is added to my ever-expanding list of crimes against humanity, treason, and other nefarious crimes I enjoy committing. So, I ask for a Venti black coffee and a Puppuccino. My coffee shows up first, I drink it in under a second. My Puppuccino comes out next and the barista asks me what type of dog I have. I answer, “I don’t have a dog, I have a cat”. Once I finish telling him that I shove my face into the Puppuccino and begin smearing the whipped cream all over my face. Security picks me up and drags me out of the shop. I get home, my face still dripping with whipped cream. My cat comes to greet me by screaming and then thoroughly licking my face. You have not felt true happiness until you have felt the rough tongue of a cat licking your face while simultaneously vibrating because of how much said cat is purring.  By this time, it is almost 10pm, time for bed. As I get into bed and my cat joins me, I think about how today was a good day. I got my coffee and my cat got to lick some whipped cream off of me. I wonder what adventures we will get up to tomorrow, hopefully more licking is involved.

Changes We want by Next Independence Day

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah

  1. More bike lanes
  2. Fireworks required to be on silent mode and low-brightness after 10pm
  3. Dragon shaped stuff, like in general, just more dragon shaped things
  4. Books with glow in the dark ink, for night time reading or reading under a blanket at any time to improve your overall reading experience
  5. Chicken noodle soup but with a higher chicken to soup ratio. Noodles are underwhelming.
  6. All bridges will be renamed to 2000’s cartoon characters.
    1. Bridges named Garfield can stay but they are on thin ice.
  7. Less slippery vegetables, i keep cutting myself every time i try to chop them
  8. You know at new years when you kiss people you love, that but like with plants, trees need love too
  9. More sesame seed bagels, less poppy seed bagels
  10. Cottages
  11. BRING BAGGED MILK TO AMERICA
  12. More colors, like i need to see what shrimp can see
  13. Bring back the old bananas, you know the ones that flavour banana candy, yeah those ones, they are good and i need a new source of potassium since my potassium dealer was flown away by the murder hornets
  14. Pets should be honored for their hard work in our society. Like they should have their own day where pet stuff is free. And all parks become dog parks.
    1. Also cat parks, my cat loves to roll around in the grass
  15. Catgirl Chipotle

 

Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Provost+Ann+Cudd+speaks+at+a+Student+Government+Board+meeting+on+Oct.+24%2C+2018.

Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.

 

Plans for Midsummer

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah, Abby

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  1. Travel to Sweden to visit a cult, and then absolutely throw it down at their maypole dance, thus ensuring that I’m not the foreigner who’s sacrificed in the fire at the end of the week.
  2. Rewatch every installment within the Bill and Ted cinematic universe
  3. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophobic racists
  4. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophones.
  5. Bake a berry cobbler with all of the REAL berries – grapes, bananas, watermelons, tomatoes, cucumbers, deadly nightshade, eggplants, pumpkins, and chili peppers.
  6. Sit on the deck and eat tuna from a pouch
  7. Finally drink that bottle of bubble juice I’ve been saving for a special occasion!
  8. Ooh it has a little stirry thing in it. Time for mixing!
  9. Wait, why does it taste so soapy?
  10. Is bubble juice not the same as bubbly.
  11. I think I have made a mistake.
  12. Get fit, get LIT (and by which I mean don’t get lit, don’t light fireworks please for the love of God stop lighting the fireworks)
  13. IDK just do like Tuesday kinds of things.
  14. Acquire a lute, make it lose its tune, and then play it, badly, until my neighbors pay attention to me.
  15. Take a long nap on the couch, and wake up violently because I dream/hallucinate a three-inch scorpion about to sting me.
  16. Wait for the last light of durin’s day to enter the dwarf cave and cook me some dragon legs
  17. Sit in the driveway and stare at my neighbors like they always do to me
  18. Organize my sticky notes
  19. Conduct a ritual animal sacrifice of… a fruit fly I guess? (I don’t have any other animals) to honor the summer solstice.
  20. Ask my parents where my midsummer gifts are
  21. Make more cottagecore pillows
  22. Exercise. My rights. To bear arms. 🐻.
  23. Steal Sumarbrander from Frey, God of Nature and Stuff
  24. Fall in love with a girl named Maria, then need to run away with her as she is currently being shot at by the Russian mafia. We escape this country and move to the UK. We live in Big Ben, sure the sound is horrible and makes it hard to sleep, but it is a life. While there I fall in love with another woman named Maria, she is on the run from the gestapo, not to be confused with gazpacho, the first Maria’s favorite soup. So I leave the UK with the second Maria and move to Finland. This cycle goes on for three years, every summer solstice I find a new maria and run away to a new country.
  25. Party in the USA
  26. Celebrate my sister’s birthday :)
  27. Lose all sense of time and forget that it’s even midsummer

 

 

Going to the Store

By Tyler Sikov

Dairy Aisle At Supermarket Stock Photo - Download Image ...

Today I am going to the store. I am going to the store to get milk. My dad went to the store to get milk 10 years ago. He never came back, so my mom and I have been vegan ever since. I am getting a bit tired of never having that sweet cow juice so I am going to the store. When I show up at the store, I obviously get distracted by the giant inflatable man doing a dance in front of the store. I then realize that I have arrived at a car dealership and not a grocery store. I correct my mistake and arrive at the grocery store. Once I get there I go straight to the dairy aisle. I have never been in this aisle before. It is very cold here. I find the door that has milk behind it. The second I open the door an arm grabs me.

I am pulled into a sunny meadow and immediately given a firm handshake and a pat on the back by a familiar man. MY DAD! It’s my dad. I found him. I look out into the expanse and notice thousands of other dads playing catch, grilling, golfing, and talking over a beer. My dad says, “Son, how have you been?”. To which I reply, “great, now that I found you. We can go home!”. He looks at me with a look in his eye that says ‘why would we want to leave’. He tells me that he does not want to leave and that I should not either. He tells me that he went to get milk and was pulled into here. Once he got here, he was surrounded by other dads who all liked the same things he did, he did not have to go to work to support a family or put up with going to things he did not want to. He told me that he missed me and was glad to see that I was now here.

My dad told me that no one ages here. So, I came in as a 21-year-old, I will stay 21 for as long as I stay in here. Time still passes but when I leave here, I will leave as a 21-year-old.  I ask my dad what he does all day. He tells me “whatever we want”. It seems that we can play or watch any sport we want. We can do anything any dad wants to do, like go to a strip club, or miss his kids’ sports games. I admit that this place looks amazing and I could stay here forever if I wanted to. I would have no responsibilities, I would never need to get a job or work hard at anything, I would just get to have fun for all eternity, with my dad!

For this magical world inside of a milk cooler, they have a lack of milk. I asked if there was any milk here, and they said no, that is why they all did not leave at first is that they did not want to disappoint their families by coming back empty handed. This was of course a deal breaker for me because I came here without telling my mom, so she would not expect me to come back with milk. I will reiterate that I need that sweet, delectable, cow juice. So, I play games and spend some time with my dad, and all the other dads. They all called me sport, I guess they missed that from the real world as well. I then left this almost perfect world. But now I know that in every dairy aisle, the door that contains the milk is actually a portal to an endless utopia for dads. Now that I know this, I can go back and visit my dad any time I want. It is great to know that my dad and all the other dads that we thought were deadbeats are actually off living their best life.

If your dad is still around, tell him about this place. As they say, if you love something let it go. Also, while you are talking to them. Wish them a happy Father’s Day from those of us who do not get to see our dad unless we take a trip to the supermarket.

 

My Adventure at the Orlando Pride Parade

By Tyler Sikov

 

I was on vacation in Orlando last year, I meant to go to Ontario but I got on the wrong plane. I decided that since I was there, I should at least enjoy myself. While I was wandering around in downtown, I saw a sign saying that there was going to be a parade that night. It was the middle of June and the sign was really colorful. I was excited to go because I had never been to a pride parade before. So, I paid the fee and went to the parade. I don’t know why attending the parade cost me almost 300 dollars but as a supporter of the community I knew that it was a good cause, I have donated to the Trevor project before so I understand where some of the money goes.

The parade started as all do, rainbow fireworks. There were floats, people dressed up in crazy colorful costumes. People were singing and dancing. There was great music, great food, and lots of people brought their kids. It is great to see kids being raised to be inclusive. Some of the costumes people were wearing looked familiar to me. Many of my friends are in the community so I must have seen some of these icons when I was with them. I was having a great time, but there is something I don’t understand. Why does everyone seem to worship that mouse?

There are people wearing hats, and headbands with his ears on them. Many people are wearing clothes that have his face or ears on them. My ticket to this parade has the same mouse but wearing a bow and a dress. I suppose this mouse is trans, and that makes them an important symbol in the community. I have nothing against the mouse, I am just so new to this kind of parade that I did not know how central of a figure they would be. I would have worn clothes that had their image on it if I had been warned.

There were a bunch of other LGBT+ icons, here are some of the ones I saw: a male elephant and a male mouse in a relationship showing off a bear/otter relationship, a pansexual dog being walked by an asexual taller dog, a cow boy with a string attached to his back and a space warrior thing in a green and white suit with wings, A blue wispy man and another blue wispy man both offering to grant us wishes but only 3, a large group of girls all wearing different colored dresses and talking about having true loves kiss, a green flying boy followed by many other small non flying boys and two flying girls one tiny and glowing and the other the same size as the green boy, a trans man looking to make a man out of himself, a big muscular man in red that seems very self-obsessed and a very large very furry man who could be part lion or maybe a buffalo, and two non-binary ducks who are dating and not wearing any pants. There were more but these are just the ones that I got a close enough look at.

Overall, I really enjoyed my experience at this Orlando Pride parade. It seems to be a big thing because my ticket let me back in the next night to watch the same parade again. The only tips I have for people thinking of attending a pride parade are: make sure to wear clothes featuring the mouse, bring a lot of money as everyone is trying to sell you stuff during the parade, and just because it is a pride parade does not mean you can go up and kiss anyone you see; I learned this the hard way and was not allowed back for a third night.

2020 Apocalypse Madness

by Tyler, Abby, Savannah, Sonya

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Here is our bracket for what the next apocalypse will be, we could not chose a winner between Catgirl Chipotle and Goth Girlfriends, While we work on making that decision through an article we plan to write next week, fill out this poll, we want to hear what you think the next apocalypse will be (pick your literal poison).

Here are the fully spelled out apocalypses:

  1. Catgirl Chipotle opening day turns into a series of violent riots among people who want to be among the first customers
  2. 2012 by Jay Sean (But it is the End Of the World and we can’t party)
  3. We finally find out what those are (the answer to “WHAT ARE THOOOSE?”)
  4. The Singularity hits but it’s just Earth’s hard reboot
  5. Tupac dies, for real this time, leading to a wormhole that sucks everyone in and sends them to different times, some get sent to May 6th 1937 and get to ride the LZ 129, an early version of the goodyear blimp, while others get sent to June 28th 1914.
  6. Another recall of romaine lettuce
  7. Extreme Black Friday
  8. A visit from the occupants of that weird UFO I’ve been seeing around?
  9. The government decides to burn all literature other than the Bee Movie script, Fahrenheit 451-style
    1. Jerry Seinfeld becomes all the world knows. Jerry becomes our god. We only know bees and terrible comedy.
  10. Homicidal Bees
  11. We all just turn into our parents
  12. X Æ A-12 (Kyle)  is actually Satan
    1. Kyle grows up to unleash their power on the world at some point in their life. They decide to destroy everything in their wake.
  13. No more bees :(
  14. 2 Corona 2 Virus
  15. Goth girlfriends releasing all of their energy at once
  16. Fidget spinners make a comeback