An Open Letter to Pitt Residence Life on Why I Should Be Allowed to Have a Dog

By Zach Hartman

dog

Office of Residence Life
935 William Pitt Union
3959 Fifth Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15260

To Whom It May Concern:

Can I get a dog for my dorm? Pleeeeease? I’d take care of it myself! And I’d feed him
and water him and take him for walks every day! Pleeeeease? I know Christmas is coming up soon and I’ve been a very good boy this year so I think being allowed to have a dog next semester would be a prefect present! The dog could keep me company! And I could train him not to bark or disturb the neighbors. We already have Therapy Dog Tuesdays, so why not make every day a Tuesday? Who likes Mondays anyway?

Plus, did you know that there are thousands of dogs sitting in cages in animal shelters
right now, just waiting for someone to come and adopt them? Imagine how many dogs could be saved if every college student could adopt one! I mean, I’m not saying it should be a requirement, but wouldn’t it be nice to have the option? And like I get it if you don’t want dogs in Towers or the Quad or something, but if you live in like, Bouquet, then what’s the problem? There’s enough space! And there’s even a yard for the dog to play! It’s practically designed to have a pet!

If that isn’t enough to convince you, here are workingmother.com’s “7 Good Reasons Why You Should Get a Dog for Your Kids”:

  1. They are a true friend
  2. They help you maintain good health
  3. They protect kids
  4. They help kids develop skills
  5. They promote emotional development
  6. They reduce anxiety
  7. They help kids manage behavioral problems
  8. (and I added this one myself) They’re just so good!

Woah. I’m convinced. Are you? Show us you understand our canine cause and allow us to keep dogs in the dorms! It’s about time!

Sincerely yours,

The Canine Council

I accidentally sprayed myself with Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener and now I’m, like, so basic.

By Savannah Teman

pumpkin spice

Day 1: Ahh, a new season is upon us. The joy of wearing sweaters and making a cup of tea. Reading a good book in my bed. Just the classic fall things everyone enjoys. I even indulge in a little pumpkin scented what-not here and there, like the Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener in my dorm hall bathroom. I won’t lie when I say that I spray this every chance I get: shitting, showering, even when I walk past to get to the staircase. 

Day 2: So, I was in the bathroom today, preparing to spray my daily spritz of Glade Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener, when suddenly the can sprayed right into my face! I decided to shower, but now I can’t tell if, like, the air freshener washed off, or if my senses have just become numb from the smell. 

Day 3: I, like, woke up feeling groggy, meaning I was craving coffee. Specifically, a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I sat at a Starbucks table, drinking my latte, and considering posting a pic for my Insta. Side note: Today I, like, took a particular interest in the small piles of leaves on the sidewalk. It was so tiny, but I wanted to run through it anyways.

Day 4: I went to Target today, and passed the seasonal clothing section. As I was getting kicked out because it was closing time (when did Target decide to start closing?? I need to have access to carb-free popcorn when I’m watching Clueless at 3AM with my besties!), I walked out with two infinity scarves, three different shades of Pumpkin Orange sweaters, and of course, a PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte, for those of you who LITERALLY live under a rock. Ugh.) from the Starbucks inside Target.

Day 5: Like, my one friends commented that I’ve been acting… off. I don’t understand what she means because, like, I just wanted to take some cute fall candids for VSCO! I said, “Here let me put on my mittens and my hat!!” and all she said was “It’s 83 degrees out, what are you DOING?” Like, I decided not to be mad at her, because like Matthew 22:39 says, “love thy girlfriends.” And, of course, I used that as my caption when I posted the pics we took.

Day 6: I finally decided enough was enough! The Pumpkin Spice Latte, like, needs to be all year round. And, like, same thing with the Peppermint Latte! In order to live my life to the fullest and most aesthetically pleasing-est, I HAVE to have my PSL. Buying the premade drinks or the coffee blends or the pumpkin spice creamers just won’t cut it. I decided to start a club at school. It will be called the PSL club, and our only goal is to get Starbucks to realize that PSL is essential for life. There’s already been posters put up, too! I mean, they were spelled wrong, so I had to, like, sharpie over them so they say PSL instead of ASL, but I think it still gets the message across.

If, like, you’d like to, like, join, then come to 349 Cathy, Mondays at 9:00PM. And it’s BYOIF: bring your own infinity scarf. This upcoming meeting we’ll be discussing how Ed Sheeran looks like a Pumpkin Spice Latte and how we can use this for our campaign.

I Caught Feelings for the Naruto Runner Guy From Area 51

By Abby Stoudt

naruto

Are you there Naruto runner guy from Area 51? It’s me, Abby.

Ever since my lonely gaze fell upon your splendid bod, it was like love at first sight. Your form was so perfect that it reminded me of how it felt to be alive again. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything. I stopped feeling things when I watched episode 109 of Naruto (that’s the one where Sasuke leaves the village, for all of you uncultured losers out there). But Naruto runner guy, you made me feel a new woman. I swear when you ran across that desert behind that reporter, a million butterflies took flight in my stomach. I grew weak in the knees. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Naruto runner guy, I know this sounds corny but make me feel like I’ve just been named hokage. You make me feel like how Naruto must have felt after he was finally able to concentrate enough chakra in his feet to run all the way up to the tree and slash a mark higher than Sasuke could. You make me feel like Naruto when he finally mastered the rasengan.

If I’m being honest, Naruto runner guy (and I will be honest with you in our relationship. There will be no secrets between us because relationships need communication in order to work. I will respect you and I will listen to you. I will be your shoulder to cry on and your best friend. I believe that we might even be soul mates, Naruto runner guy, if you don’t mind me being too forward.), if I’m being honest, I think that you are so brave and courageous, and that you should even be named a national hero. Not just anyone could do what you did and run so beautifully on television like that, but I think it was so wonderful.

Naruto runner guy, if you ever see this, I hope that it sparks something inside you too. No, I hope it ignites a fire inside of you that is brighter than the fire release jitsu and it burns just as hot.

By the way, I’m single, 5’3”, Pisces, and have a fantastic sense of humor ;)

Love,

Abby

For Sale: Ultra-Rare Pitt Bonfire Shirt ($1000, or the equivalent of three meal swipes)

By Trish Caucci

 

tshirt

Hello!

I am just a simple, silly freshman trying to sell my hard-earned t-shirt that I got fair and square at bonfire night. I thought since I’m so lucky to live in the air-conditioned haven that is Nordenberg, or as I know it “Nordy”, I should try to share my good fortune with my campus. I figured I should share my wealth because I know some people have to live in Towers. Since I’ve been here for about a month, I reckon I know a lot about being a Pitt student. I am well acquainted—sorry about my huge SAT word slipping out—with the hard work of standing in a line for free stuff.

I’m selling my ware for such a low price because I hate to think that my roommate and I are fighting over this stupid shirt. It’s so hard to like shower in our marble bathrooms knowing she’s so furious and might passive aggressively play Billie Eillish’s “Bury a Friend” while we sleep. She’s pissed that while we were both sweating furiously in our crop top sweatshirts that night the cute guy handing out the merchandise looked at my belly button panther ring and said, “Hail to Pitt” when handing me the last shirt. So, I got the last of the supplies, which didn’t really last ya know?

I don’t really remember what happened after that because of the strong Strawberitas we had that night. I remember flashes of us dancing in red paint; I think it was lit, but I don’t really know to be honest. I know my roommate’s sophomore boyfriend, who she “definitely didn’t follow to school”, egged her on about not getting him a shirt. And then we might have fought? He hasn’t heard from her since then, and come to think of it neither have I. I think she might have found someone else to follow. Did I mention I was wearing the cropped sweatshirt first, and she changed into it? I’m glad she’s gone. Anyway, I’ll accept meal swipes in payment because I made some senior friends who said they can get their hands on some more Strawberitas for me.

Anyway, toodles.

 

LoL@Pitt under investigation after killing Make-A-Wish kid

By Ben Ungar

LOL

September 22nd marked the Pitt League of Legends Fall draft and everything was fine and dandy… until it wasn’t. At the conclusion of the draft, it came to the draft administrators’ attention that they’d accidentally skipped over a player, 14-year-old Johny Berg, who is suffering from liver cancer and made the wish to play in Pitt’s League of Legends league with his few months left in this world.

When the draft administrator, Richard Wanker, realized this mishap had taken place he knew there was only one thing left to do. He and the Pitt A-team, went to the hospital Berg was getting treatment from, and suffocated him in bed. “We know the horrible nature of this act,” said Pitt team captain, Chancellor Gallagher, “but it was the only way to save all the captains an hour of their precious masturbation time. A re-draft was not gonna happen, it would have caused a freaking riot!”

The police chief who was on this case respected the complexity of this case, “Well, on one hand, this is a brutal murder of a vulnerable person. But on the other hand, college kids need to jerk off, so what can I say?” Some people are feeling less understanding. Upon interviewing the victim’s mom, she shouted, “Fuck those kids, I’m in the process of hiring a mercenary to kill all their families and then cut off all their fucking limbs!” Damn, bitches be crazy! Well, that’s all from me today, folks.

Top 10 Absurd Clubs that You Won’t Believe Pitt Has (#5 is Actually Real!)

By Blair Kriz

clubs

  1. Penn Staters Anonymous – a support group for people who are bullied for wearing Penn State apparel
  2. Pitt Meme Club
  3. Cult Film Club – screens classics such as the Greek spy film Oedipussy
  4. Patrick Gallagher fan club
  5. Keep South Oakland Beautiful Society (of course this one isn’t real, how the hell did you fall for that?)
  6. Competitive Mario Party Team
  7. The Pitt News
  8. Society of Students who Unsuccessfully Boycotted Chick-Fil-A
  9. North Korean Student Association
  10. The Pittiful News

Things to do while yelling “It’s FALL!!”

By Sonya Acharya

fall

  1. Throw leaves, preferably orange, preferably crunchy
  2. Use a shovel to throw brown wet leaves because autumn rain is a thing
  3. Run through a pumpkin patch
  4. Try to look cute for your seasonal Insta story update when you trip over a pumpkin in said patch
  5. Caption it “Pumpkins or Punkins?” and thank me later
  6. Sip a pumpkin spice latte
  7. Chug that pumpkin-spicy goodness
  8. Go apple picking
  9. Pour scalding cider down your throat. Feel your throat blister
  10. Bake some seasonal goodies
  11. Make a blanket fort, crawl into it, and binge said goodies and some Netflix of your choice
  12. Rip off your tank top to reveal a turtleneck underneath
  13. Move those skeletons from your closet to your front porch (the freezer skeletons can stay till later)
  14. Drape a woolen infinity scarf over your entire body
  15. Pile all your scarves on your bed and burrow into them because you live here now
  16. Drape a white sheet over yourself in order to become a Spook™
  17. Check your boots for spooks before wearing them even though it’s eighty degrees outside
  18. Start up an increasingly-loud chant of “This is Halloween!”
  19. Yell “It’s FALL!!!” even louder
  20. Make crinkly noises with the candy wrappers in your pockets