Editor’s note regarding COVID-19

By Sonya Acharya

I know we’re all cooped up inside, being sad and stuff. But I have news for yinz! It’s something to make you less sad! It works at any time, but I thought I’d share it so people can be less sad during these trying times.

My *hot* tip is this: Light Fires To Feel Joy. Yes, I know that’s a Pitch Perfect reference. No, I’m not going to take it back. I did it on purpose, and I also meant it.

You wake up. You feel sad, probably. Think of flames, warming you up and filling you with warmth. You have to set something on fire. That will make you feel better. You’re going to need a steady source of fire like a candle or a blowtorch or the stove if you’re not a coward. (I’m not a coward.) What? A lighter? You’ll have to speak to my legal counsel about that one.

Step 1 – Find steady flame.

Now, you’re going to need a goal. Not a life goal, that’s pointless. (In this situation at least. Please don’t actually give up on your life goals.) You’re going to need a pyrological goal. Find something that you wish to set on fire. No, not bridges, I do not recommend burning bridges to feel joy. Unless they’re really mean, then maybe. You could burn an entire box of pencils, because you won’t be needing them anymore. What’ll you do, take notes while watching lectures in bed? Ok, maybe you’ll do that a little bit, so keep one pencil aside and burn the rest of the entire box. Or you can do what I did and just try to burn a 3-wick Cedar Firewood candle that has a lid and everything. Start small but be fancy.

Step 2 – Find something to burn.

Next you’re going to execute your goal. The specific steps and rules to follow for this will really depend on what your goal is, so I’ll just tell you how I executed mine. I needed a way to transfer fire from source (stove) to goal (candle). I used a combination of junk mail and borrowed spaghetti. The junk mail was from a credit card company that’s not mine but that wants to be mine, and the borrowed spaghetti was three of my roommate’s noodles, from the box on the counter. I couldn’t use my own because I don’t have spaghetti and I knew one day I’d look at my empty bowl and wish I had just three more noodles. But my roommate’s spaghetti was a different story, and I knew she’d understand when she saw how happy I was.

Step 3 (optional) – Find kindling.

I used strips of junk mail to try and light the three wicks. As I held bits of burning paper, with flames, I realized I’d never felt more alive. I also realized that the burning paper smelled a lot like plastic and fireworks and I decided it probably wasn’t safe. That’s when I switched to borrowed spaghetti. This wasn’t as fun because the flames spent a long time being further away from my hand so I felt less alive. But I managed to light the wicks of the candle, which made me feel more alive, so I guess my overall feeling of aliveness by the end of it was elevated. Lighting fires DID make me feel joy!!

Step 4 – Execute goal.

I know that there is still one burning question. What if you light your house on fire? Well, I’m not worried. We all have working smoke detectors, right? I know I do, because the third time I met my landlord, he was flipping his shit while putting new batteries into my smoke detector because apparently he had someone die in a housefire. If you don’t have a working smoke detector and you’re still worried, move to a location on the same street as a fire department. That way, when you light your house on fire, they can see the flames shooting out of the roof before you even have to call them, and they can come to put out the fire and find you roasting marshmallows on your size XL campfire, singing “On Top of Spaghetti”. I know that’s oddly specific, but trust me, everyone’s been there.

TL;DR – In the short term as well as in the long term, lighting things on fire will make you feel better and also make you feel warm inside and out. I know things may seem pretty bleak right now, but I believe that we can get through this dark, sad, difficult time together.

Top 15 People Who Should Have Been Stabbed Instead of Caesar 😏🗡

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

  1. Alexander the Great: see library of Alexandria for details
  2. The “squish” lady’s husband from Chicago: he did run into that knife, he ran into it TEN TIMES 
  3. Becky from Poli-Sci: obviously
  4. [REDACTED]: [REDACTED]
  5. Susan from the back of the line at Costco: she took the last can of Lysol
  6. The old design of Sonic the Hedgehog™: why he got human teeth though
  7. The farmer from The Untitled Goose Game: he makes me have a tewwible-howwible-no-good-vewy-bad day
  8. Regina George: she is in my burn book
  9. Pittiful News Writer #7
  10. French dressing: it’s just so bad
  11. Susan from pilates: she is just too bendy and always shows it off
  12. Scrappy Doo: looking at him ignites my fight instinct
  13. Brutus
  14. Mamma Mia: here we go again, she’s been broken-hearted anyway
  15. Susan from book club who’s slightly racist

Pie Flavors That the FDA Doesn’t Want You to Know About

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

Ever wondered what that would taste like? Now’s your chance! Try these pies before the FDA catches on!

  1. Blue raspberry pie
  2. Watermelon LiP SMACKER pie
  3. Dead grandma apple pie – This is real, so basically this girl in sculpture class said her favorite smell was apple pie, like it’s the only thing she eats, but like not any GARBAGE apple pie, no 7/11 apple pie and no Giant Eagle apple pie, none of your mother’s apple pie, I’m talking about the pie her dead grandmother made tons of and froze before she ate the recipe and died
  4. New York City pigeon pie
  5. Pion (a subatomic particle that consists of a quark and an antiquark and is therefore a meson – the lightest one – that has a lifetime of either 26.033 nanoseconds or 84 attoseconds and a mass approximately 270 times that of an electron)
  6. Some sweet, sweet cheddar cheesecake
  7. A tray of Orbeez (any flavor) with whipped cream
  8. An entire pineapple pizza

What we did with an extra day

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By the writers of the Pittiful News

(Abby, Eric, Sonya, Tyler, Zach, Pittiful News Writer #7)

So we got an extra day but then we had an hour taken away but we always manage to have fun anyway!

  1. I body swapped with John Mulaney and hosted Saturday Night Live!
  2. I had to console my roommate over Ferb’s body shape.
  3. I had some tea.
  4. I took a moment of remembrance for Mao Zedong’s Second Five Year Plan, also known as the Great Leap Forward.
  5. I made random noises for three hours while playing games.
  6. I remarried my divorced husband.
  7. I lost 2 karma on Reddit.
  8. I really wanted chips and queso so I went to Chipotle even though my roommate told me not to because there was a line out the door, and I wanted to leave when I saw how long the line was but this girl I don’t like got in line behind me so then I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to look weak, so I waited for thirty minutes and them they didn’t even have chips and so I sadly ordered a burrito bowl but it was without corn because they were out of that too (and corn’s my favorite part), and then I put too much Tabasco on it because the girl I don’t like was also putting Tabasco on her food and again, I had to assert my dominance.
  9. I put on socks.
  10. I went to Chipotle. It was OK.

I wore green today.

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By Eric Brinling

I wore green today. Well, technically it was yesterday, but literally right now it is 12:00 am so really it feels like today. 

I wore green. I’ve never worn green before. I always thought it was an inferior color. Typically I dress in shades of grey and blue, for the express purpose of blending into the sky whether the day is clear or cloudy (I am rather tall in comparison to most people). Sometimes I dress in blacks or reds, but only when I feel like blending into the night or a pool filled with blood (or fruit punch). My favorite color is orange, but I rarely wear it, lest I be mistaken for a Buddhist monk. Purple is scary.

But today I wore green. It started when I looked in my drawer, and saw a green shirt. I thought to myself, “Do I own a green shirt?” and I could only assume the answer was “Yes, Eric, you do own a green shirt,” because there was, in fact, a green shirt in my drawer. 

Then I looked in my other drawer, the one with the pants. There were green pants in there. They were like jeans, but green. I called them greans. The presence of the greans was interesting, because I don’t own greans. Or I didn’t, but now I do. 

I hadn’t even touched the green shirt or the greans, but suddenly they were on me. I hadn’t been wearing socks a moment ago, but now I was, and they, too, were green. I grew frightened, and with shaking hands I unzipped the zipper on the greans to find that my boxers, too, were green. 

I thought about changing, but I was too busy not wanting to do that, so I decided instead to just put up with my new wardrobe. I put on my (newly green) shoes and exited the building. I stayed on the sidewalk, for fear that the small patches of grass might think of me as one of their own and swallow me whole before I got the chance to explore other career options as a green-clad man. 

As I walked down the street, people began to stare. I thought perhaps I had something in my teeth, but then I remembered that I was dressed entirely in green, and that might draw some attention. I passed some trees, and thought about becoming a leaf, but I thought better of it. Leaves have a frighteningly short lifespan.

Something green on the ground caught my eye. It was a dollar! It was then that I resolved to become paper currency, which in America is conveniently green. I walked up to the nearest old woman and snuck into her purse. Merely three days later she shoved me into the slot of a vending machine, and in exchange she received a bag of split pea soup.

How did YOU spend your V-Day?

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By the writers of The Pittiful News

So we all had Valentine’s Days. And they were pretty good days. Let’s play a game so you can engage with our good days – match the Valentine’s Day to the Pittiful News writer!

1.     I think my boyfriend fed me old fish.

2.     I had 2 Portuguese chicken sandwiches. With sauce!

3.     I divorced my husband.

4.     Three men made me dinner and I didn’t know any of them.

5.     My boyfriend and I went to a nice restaurant. And he gave me like a nice balloon and flowers and stuff?

6.     I played chess against a computer and I lost and I ate Zach’s pickle with a bunch of salami.

7.     I made gingerbread cookies but they were really shitty and they gave me the toots ☹.

8.     I gave a flower to the most important woman in my life – my mom.

9.     I tipped my Uber driver twice.

10.  My husband divorced me.

 

 

Abby

Blair

Eric

Jeff (Goldblum, honorary member)

Savannah

Sonya

Tyler

Zach