Tech Department to Start Punishing Students Who Download Cars

By Blair Kriz


Yesterday, the Pitt Department of Information Technology (sorry, The Information Technology Department at the University of Pittsburgh) announced that it will start punishing students who obtain automobiles from ‘illegal filesharing websites.’ In a statement to the Pittiful News, Mr. Yu Sless, who is in charge of Pittnet and whatever those kids in the dorms are using these days, provided this message to students:

“You think you’re so smart because you figured out how to get a free car online? Think again. As soon as you start downloading the vehicle, you instantly get caught. Your internet access is immediately cut off, and you have to pay up to $1,000,000 in fines. Then you have to go to court, where they’ll send you to a maximum-security prison. We come down HARD. The automobile companies send us a thousand complaints a year about students here downloading cars, so we take this very seriously. It’s a felony. You’ll be in terrible, irreversible trouble. I’m serious guys. If you download a car, we’ll fuck you up.”

It should be noted that automobile downloads take up lots of bandwidth, so it is discourteous to your fellow students to download them on Pittnet (sorry, The Network at the University of Pittsburgh). Even if you do not care about other students, think of the poor automobile companies. They’re only a multiple hundred billion-dollar industry, and in this age of digital piracy, they’re going to struggle even more. Not to mention the CEOs, who are already very poor for all the hard work they put in. I mean, most of them won’t be able to afford a new yacht this year!

If you want to help stop the illegal sharing of cars online, here are some red flags to help you identify if someone might be an automobile pirate:

  • They show you a bunch of their new cars even though they don’t have a job to pay for them
  • They have a car that isn’t even out yet
  • They chuckle to themselves when someone gets excited about a new car being on Netflix
  • They wear primitive prosthetics
  • They have a pet bird
  • They like to drink rum
  • They say things like “Yarr!” and “Where’s me buried treasure?

Our take: Just get a virtual private muffler.

Pitt Deserves A Better Rival Than Penn State

By Milo Davis

Almost one month ago to date, a Penn State student laid out some pretty strong opinions about his once proud school ahead of its first game in 16 years against the superior Pittsburgh Panthers. Alas, all the hubris and willful ignorance in the world couldn’t save the Nittany Lions from succumbing to our complete and total awesomeness. On that fateful September afternoon we all discovered one totally objective truth: Pitt’s ethereal glory should never, ever be mentioned in the same breath as those Penn State heathens.

Aside from the State College crowd, who desperately want to bask in the light of our splendor, a lot of people share my sentiment. Being that football is the greatest thing man has ever developed, and being that Pitt is the greatest at football, it obviously follows that Pitt is the greatest ever. It also follows that those smelly doodoo heads at Penn State all have cooties and I hate them.

Before I continue, let me make one thing clear: I am very much opposed to Penn State playing the role of Pitt’s primary rival in the future. We should honestly just throw out the games we’ve scheduled against Penn State for the next three years and jump right into the NFL so we could go up against the likes of the New England Patriots or that other Pittsburgh team in the NFL, even though they could never dream of being half as illustrious as us.

Then, after we’ve mopped the floor with the NFL, we’d go on to face the very gods of the Greek Pantheon themselves. I’d expect Pitt to win such a game by a score of 56-3, and I’m being generous. There’s no way Hermes is running past Jordan Whitehead. I’d take James Conner over Ares any day of the week, and we all know that up-and-comer Achilles is an injury waiting to happen. It’s only a matter of time before Pat Narduzzi takes his rightful place at the helm of Mount Olympus and goes down in history as the greatest football coach (and mortal man) of all time in the history of forever. Hail to Pitt, fuck Penn State, and may Pat bless us all.

Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl
The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.
Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.
“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.
“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse.  “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong?  Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”
The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar.  Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:
“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that.  Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester.  When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know?  It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”

New SGB Cites Previous Make-Believe Experience as Credentials

By Mike Citrola

The newly elected members of Pitt’s Student Government Board expressed confidence in their positions in office as a result of the many make-believe roles they’ve held in the past.

During an exclusive interview with The Pittiful News, the board boasted about their qualifications and the work they’d done to earn them. “It’s no surprise the student body voted me in. I’ve been a leader all my life,” said Nasreen Harun, holding up a picture of herself as a child in a purple, presumably store-bought princess costume. “I led the Kingdom of Snugglemore into battle with the army of American Girl Dolls, so yeah, I’m pretty sure allocating funds to student groups will be a snap.”

All of the new officers emphasized their prior leadership positions. “Anyone doubting my credentials can go suck a bug,” said SGB President, Graeme Meyer. “I’m a natural born leader. How else would I’ve been able to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt’s land? It was hard work, but I can assure you, I’ll bring the same caliber of freedom to the Pitt student community.”

The Pittiful News reminded Meyer that he had not led the Hebrews from Egypt and that was, in fact, the Jewish prophet Moses. Meyers was unfazed by this news. “Of course, I’m not actually Moses. But I went to a neighbor’s Passover Seder once in middle school, and got so into the story of the Haggadah that I pretended to be Moses for, like, 2 weeks. That fantasy was very demanding but it taught me a lot. And when it comes to running a student government, it helps to already have experience pretending to lead a large group.”
His colleagues shared similar sentiments. “I’ve heard worried talks about the new University Senate Council, and I just don’t get it,” said representative Everett Green. “I’m no stranger to working in this type of government agency. Hell, ever since The Phantom Menace came out, I’ve imaginarily worked alongside Yoda AND Mace Windu in the Galactic Senate. I used to have a multi-color lightsaber, but I switched it out for a blue one when I changed my favorite color to blue last year.”

Upon request of any real, non-make-believe qualifications, the SGB threatened to fight The Pittiful News, threw down a smoke bomb and scattered.  

Real-life Monster Lurks Around Pitt Campus

By Hannah Lynn

Last Monday started out like any other for sophomore Stanley Hudson until he saw a shadow lurking in the corner of the Cathedral basement. “I didn’t know what it was,” Hudson said. “I went to follow it down the hall because it didn’t look human, but when I turned the corner all I saw was a tail disappearing through the door.”

Earlier this year, upon the arrival of the new chancellor Patrick Gallagher, The Pittiful News reported the 100% true story that Mr. Gallagher is in fact a lizard person. What Hudson saw was not a lizard, not a man, but THE GALLAGATOR.

Several students have reported strange sightings like Hudson’s, but have brushed them off as casual hallucinations. However, their eyes are not playing tricks on them; the Gallagator is the truth.

When asked if the University of Pittsburgh Chancellor was actually a lizard man living in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning basement, an old man on the street hissed and spat onto the pavement.

Though halloween has passed, be wary of any mysterious shadows or figures. It could be nothing. It could be your mom. Or it just might be…the Gallagator.

Students Continue to Jaywalk in Hopes of Getting Hit By a Car

By Hannah Lynn
In the past few months, the Pitt Campus Police have been cracking down on jaywalking, specifically across Forbes near David Lawrence Hall. Students have been encouraged to use the Skywalk above Forbes as an alternative. “We’re just trying to keep students safe,” said Pitt Police Officer Jack Wells. “I know these kids want to get to class as quick as possible, but it’s not worth risking their lives.”

What Wells, along with the rest of the police force, fail to realize is that Pitt students actively do not give a shit. According to Sophomore Charlie Evans, he and other students will continue to jaywalk, regardless of the risk. “I just want to get to class in as little time as possible, but if get hit by a car, that’s just an added bonus,” he said. While Evans’ response might be shocking to some adults, it is a common sentiment among his fellow youths. Junior Elsa Larson has similar feelings about the illegal street crossing. “My main motivation for going to class is that there’s the possibility I might get hit by a car on the way there,” she said.

This sentiment, common among college students across the country, is typically brought on by an overwhelming sense of existential dread. “I was on my way to an Econ lecture the other day and I was trying to figure out how to write a 10 page paper on ‘Moby Dick’ while also listening to my mom on the phone nag me about summer internship applications and I just thought ‘wouldn’t it be great if a Sodexo truck came barreling down Forbes and brought me sweet relief’,” Evans said.

The Pitt Police department was shocked to hear about this and expressed concern for the mental health of the student population. “Look, it has nothing to do with mental health,” said Larson. “It simply has to do with the world being horrible and everyone being stupid and my overwhelming and uncertain future.”

Pitt Police says it will continue to fine students to jaywalking, even if it does add to their already weighty financial burden.

Pitt Names New Chancellor

By Hannah Lynn
On Feb. 8, the University of Pittsburgh announced its next chancellor would be Patrick D. Gallagher. This is following the announcement last year that after almost 20 years, current chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg would be stepping down after the 2013-14 school year.

Mr. Gallagher currently serves as deputy secretary of the U.S. Department of Commerce and is also the director of the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). Mr. Gallagher a PhD in physics from Pitt, and it is his only connection to the university. Although he lacks any experience whatsoever in managing education of any kind, the chancellor search committee believes he is the best fit.

Students lovingly refer to the current chancellor as “Nordy,” but chancellor-elect Gallagher has stated that he does not wish to be called “Galley.” This is perfectly understandable; he probably doesn’t want to constantly be referred to as an old-timey ship. But this won’t be a problem as there is a much more fitting name to be bestowed upon Pitt’s newest leader.

While the school has been very secretive about it, there is no denying that Mr. Gallagher is part lizard. Due to this fact that is 100% true, the new chancellor shall be referred to as “Gallagator” from now until the end of time/lizard coup.

He got his undergraduate degree from Benedictine College, which is widely known to be a college exclusively for lizard people. When asked about whether the Gallagator’s lizardy ways will affect his ability to run a large university, all of the search committee members slowly backed away until they were out of the room.

It is still unclear whether the Gallagator will reside in a normal human residence, or in some sort of dark, damp area, perhaps beneath the Cathedral of Learning.

Gallagator lives with his wife and their three sons in Brookeville, Md.