A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison Escape Edition

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Image result for russian prison

Привет Барби

Привет, Кен!

Ты хочешь прокатиться?

Конечно, Кен!

Перейти …

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Я блондинка-бимбо в мире фантазий

Одень меня, сделай это туго, я твоя тележка

Ты моя кукла, рок-н-ролл, почувствуй гламур в розовом

Поцелуй меня здесь, прикоснись ко мне там, носовой платок …

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

(uu-oooh-u) Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Заставь меня ходить, заставь меня говорить, делай, что хочешь

Я могу действовать как звезда, я могу просить на коленях

Приходите, пустышка, друг, давайте сделаем это снова

Хит город, дурачиться, пойдем на вечеринку

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пошли на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) О, мне так весело!

Что ж, Барби, мы только начали

О, я люблю тебя, Кен!

Privet Barbi

Privet, Ken!

Ty khochesh’ prokatit’sya?

Konechno, Ken!

Pereyti …

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

YA blondinka-bimbo v mire fantaziy

Oden’ menya, sdelay eto tugo, ya tvoya telezhka

Ty moya kukla, rok-n-roll, pochuvstvuy glamur v rozovom

Potseluy menya zdes’, prikosnis’ ko mne tam, nosovoy platok …

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

(uu-oooh-u) YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Zastav’ menya khodit’, zastav’ menya govorit’, delay, chto khochesh’

YA mogu deystvovat’ kak zvezda, ya mogu prosit’ na kolenyakh

Prikhodite, pustyshka, drug, davayte sdelayem eto snova

Khit gorod, durachit’sya, poydem na vecherinku

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poshli na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) O, mne tak veselo!

Chto zh, Barbi, my tol’ko nachali

O, ya lyublyu tebya, Ken!

I’m a closeted homo

By Lord Tyler Sikov

"Pride Cats" by theoceanowl | Redbubble

               It has been more than 6 months since I came back from the Orlando Pride Parade. I wrote an article about my adventures there if you would like to know more. Since my return I have been feeling a bit out of place. I feel like I am not truly me. I did some research online and I discovered I am without a doubt a homo. At this point I am a closeted homo because I am worried what my family will do if they find out. They are not the most accepting, they believe themselves above everyone and hardly ever offer words of encouragement for those less fortunate.

               I know that they will not react well to me being a homo, but I will have to tell them at some point. I love them and they have their own way to show their love for me. For some context I have a mom, a dad, 2 brothers, and a sister. My sister is rather shy and could be called a chicken so I know she will take whichever side has the most people on it. After a while she will accept me because I always comfort her whenever there are big loud noises.  My brother that is 2 years older than me will probably try to find a way to convince me I am wrong, probably telling me I just need to have a drink, take a bath, or eat some greens and then throw up to feel cleansed. If I can convince him that this is the way I am he will try to find a solution, a way to turn me back. But after a while he will come to his senses and will let me live the way I was meant to. My other brother, with his ginger hair, is much more understanding. I will convince him with my first confession. He has assured me that he will love me no matter what, especially because I help clean up after him and I help with his chores.  He is also the sibling that spends the most time in my room, he may even spend more time in there than I do.

               My parents will be a different story. I discovered a few years ago that I was adopted. But so were all of my siblings. My parents could not have children so they adopted four. A ginger boy, a raven black haired girl, a hazel eyed boy, and then me. They adopted me without knowing that I would turn out to be a glasses wearing homo. Some people will say that I look a bit like my father, and while I see it, I am the odd ball out of the family.

            I must say, it clicks, like it all clicks. This explain why I always dress different than the rest of my family. Me being a homo is why I am a much neater eater. The rest of my family are rather animalistic when they eat. I have a vastly different cleaning system and schedule, I am no where near as flexible as the rest of my family, and I am the only one capable of opening most jars in our house.

            I will just have to come out and say it.

            I will have to come out of my closet, another thing that I have that my family does not.

            I am a homo.

            I am a homosapien.

            My family are all cats, I am a homosapien, and I don’t know where to go from here.

Our Predictions for this upcoming semester

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

2021 University of Pittsburgh Calendar
  • I will remain alone. 
  • Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd. 
  • J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
  • I will eat another cactus.
  • I will kill another cactus. 
  • I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.   
  • TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
  • My parents will love me.
  • The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
  • Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
  • I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
  • I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
  • I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
  • Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here! 
    • Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
  • That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.  
  • Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
  • Your Tinder date will go badly. 
  • 90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed. 
  • You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
  • Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
  • It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
  • I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right? 
  • The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader. 
  • My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
  • Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
  • I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
  • Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
    • It is Lord Tyler to you.
  • My third album will go platinum. 
    • It had Kelly Clarkson.
  • We will live underwater.
  • Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
  • Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
  • I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
  • Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
  • Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
  • I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to. 
  • I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this. 
  • The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes. 
  • I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes. 
  • President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
  • Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
  • Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
  • I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
  • Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
  • I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
    • Preach Sister.
  • Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
  • Amazon will dominate.
  • The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry. 
  • I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
  • I will find you.
  • The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
  • Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
  • The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
  • Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen. 
  • Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
    • The Pittiful News will parody said email.  
  • I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
  • This club’s name will change.  
  • I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator. 
  • Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
  • People, places, and things will happen.
  • Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
    • Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
  • Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
  • I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again. 
  • I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
  • Cottagecore Club.
  • Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
  • I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
  • I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
  • The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed. 
  • The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room. 
  • The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
  • A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.  
  • The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did. 
  • People will finally start listening to my podcast.

We have been asked to change our name, so we are brainstorming

By the writers of [REDACTED]

  • Project Involving The Terrible Individuals From Underground Louisiana (PITTIFUL)
  • Private Investigative Team to Introduce Funny Unique Language (Not Enough Water Squirrels) ((PITTIFUL (NEWS)))
  • Post-Ironic Torture Team Introducing Fear & Undying Love (PITTIFUL)
  • Paternal Ignorance Towards The Improvement oF Useless Laxatives (PITTIFUL)
    • THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A USELESS LAXATIVE
      • YES THERE IS I HAVEN’T SHIT IN YEARS
        • MIRALAX IS NOT YOUR FRIEND TRY DULCOLAX 
          • I CAN CONFIRM MIRALAX SUCKS 
  • People In The Tacky Illegal Furry Underwear League (PITTIFUL)
  • Priests Illegally Taking Taranatulas From Underprivileged Losers (PITTIFUL)
  • Pee In Torso. Thats (sic) It. Full Uf Pee. (PITTIFUP)
  • Piddle Iddle Tiddly Tiddle Iddly Fiddle Uddle Luddle (PITTIFUL)
  • People In the Teeny Tiniest Itty-bitty Fedora Under the reign of Lice overlords (PITTIFUL)
  • PointParkiful News
  • The Carnegie Mellon of the other side of Oakland- iful News
  • Penn State News 
  • Unidentified Pennsylvanian Metro Comedy (UPMC)
  • Pennsylvania Institution of Scholarly Satire (PISS)
  • West Area Pennsylvania Comedy Or Other College Historical Information Entity (WAPCOOCHIE)
  • The Artist Formerly Known as P*ttiful
  • The Princeiful News
  • The Pit is Full News
  • Just the ttiP
  • Weird Abbreviation Practitioners (WAP)
  • Cannibal Club 
  • People Eaters Anonymous 
  • People Eating Anchovies ‘N’ mUstard Sauce (PEANUS)
  • George Washington Gale Ferris Jr. Fan Club
  • PHelp IMe TI’m TStuck In FThe UAcronym LMachine (PITTIFUL)
  • The Dean Bonner Fan Club 
  • Gaffeigator
    • This is not a jim gaffigan pun i am familiar with
  • Brad Pitt News: We’re changing up our content
    • We picked the worst time for a Brad Pitt club
  • The bottomless Pitt of despair 
  • The Nittiful Pews
  • The Knittiful News
  • The Kittenful Mews
  • The Clittiful News: Where Is It? 
    • “We Do Not Know” – Local Straight Man (source: south o frats)
  • Big Cat Satire
  • Small Cat Satire
  • Catamount Comedy
  • Tyler Talks About Cats: The Club: The Newspaper
    • Cats: The Movie: The Club: The Newspaper
    • High School Musical: The Musical: The Series 
  • Pun Exploring Network In Sequestration (PENIS)
  • The [REDACTED]iful News 
  • The XXXXiful News
  • The University of Punsburgh
  • The “I am unhappy with the fact that we have to change our name” News
  • Armpitt  
  • Lord Tyler Sikov and the Serfs
  • Lorde, Tyler Sikov, and the Serfs
  • Gallagator & the Bonner Bunch
  • Funny Bunches of Jokes  
  • The “thing at the center of a cherry”-ful news  
  • Temporary Idiots and Tyler Sikov (TITS)
  • The Piddle-ful News 
  • The Oxford Comma Is Hot And Sexy And Cool Club (this is for sarah this does not have to be in the article) (TOCIHASACC)
  • Y? (Y!)
  • Catire
  • Mashed Potatoes  
  • The Pittato
  • Mama mia pizza pie, I havE been arresteD fOr tax evasioN, Great (MIE DONG)  
  • Pasta In The TrevI FoUntain Lol (PITTIFUL)
  • HAtred, Plenty, PrettY, BIRds, THe Ducks, And You (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) 
  • The Primary Satirical News Organization of THE Ohio State UNIVERSITY of PA that isn’t Penn State
  • The, “Wait, they’re still a thing?” club
  • The “thing in my stomach when I’m nervous”-iful club
  • Screw You and the Panther You Rode In On
  • UPMC Church of Scientology 
  • Fox News 
  • May You Dream Of News Galligators (MY DONG)
  • Kids In Da Zealous Banal Offbeat Paper (KIDZBOP)
  • The Pittiful News but we are referring to the University of Pittsburgh in Pittsburgh, Kansas
  • The Club. There is only one.  
  • A Club Has No Name
  • Fight Club
  • The Pitiful News, but now we only provide Pitbull content 
  • See above, but the dog breed and not an entire satire site dedicated to Mr. Worldwide
  • The Pittbull News
  • Ittifulpay Ewsnay
  • Pig Latin elitIst Club 4 Kids (PLICK)
    • Population: Eric J. Brinling
  • The WIzard’s  Love Every Kitten (TWI’LEK)
  • More Yaks, DOgs, kitteNs, and Goats (MY DONG)
  • Protein ANalysis THrough Evolutionary Relationships (PANTHER)
  • OY VEY? (OY VEY.)
  • MY DONG 
  • League Of Sexy, Evil, Rich Students (LOSERS)
  • Alpha Phi
  • Konkey Dong Fan Club
  • The Pi Iota Tau Tau Iota Phi Upsilon Lambda News
  • Society for the Advancement of Literary Talent and Creation of Other Captivating Kneejerks (SALTCOCK)
  • The P!tt!fu1 News
  • A Mistake

How the writers of the Pittiful News spent their MLK day

By the writers of the Pittiful news

Monday January 18, 2021 is MLK Day, a Day of Service ...
  • I went to therapy. 
  • I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
  • I brushed some teeth.  Not mine but we’ll get there eventually. 
  • I got to third base with my cat.
    • That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
  • I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
  • I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.   
  • I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate. 
  • I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
  • I blocked my aunt on Facebook
  • I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
  • I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
  • I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
  • My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
  • I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge. 
  • I had a gay thought.
  • I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
  • I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016. 
  • Admired a banana sticker
  • I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty. 
  • I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
  • I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables.  Right as we were making plans, too.  How sad!
  • Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
  • I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create.  Now I know you can make boards private.  You live and you learn.
  • I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
  • Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.  
  • Slept in.
  • Watched the Inauguration.
  • Kidnapped several children.
  • I watched this video.
  • I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year. 
  • Committing various war crimes 
  • Got shot while standing on a balcony  

Flo Rida is the Man

By Lord Tyler and Sarah

Flo Rida sued for not paying child support | Page Six

Flo Rida has gotten away with many crimes at this point. We here at the Pittiful news need to set the record straight. Here is just a taste of what he has done:

  • Entered a convenience store with an alligator and bought 3 kegs 
  • Botched a castration on another man he met on a Eunuch fetish website
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-shaped ecstasy pills
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-sized explosive devices
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-freakish-baby-hand-sized little sticky hands that you fling at the wall
  • Bit a “couple” of toddlers “dozens” of times 
  • Evacuated a walmart after he was caught crawling through the ceiling
  • Committed domestic battery with a thin crust Domino’s pizza
  • Gave an “Aggressive Wet Willy” 
  • Stole 11k votes in tomorrow’s Georgia runoff senate race  
  • Broke into a home and made himself and the homeowners brunch 
  • Attacked a passerby with a sword over a bag of trash 
  • Helped Bush beat Gore by piling raccoons in trenchcoats and having them vote 
  • Burglarized cars while wearing only a hat and a bra
  • Held an entire theater of moviegoers hostage and forced them to watch an entire box set of M*A*S*H* 
  • Hit a McDonald’s worker with his VW Bug for “taking too long” 
  • Purchased a VW Bug
  • Changed his name from Tramar Lacel Dillard 
  • Lingered after a hug for a bit too long 
  • Put the Kraft cheese powder into the still-cooking pot of boiling elbow noodles, failing to drain the box-recommended 6 cups of water beforehand 
  • Dressed as spiderman and power washed roofs   
  • Assaulted a man with ketchup  
  • Played basketball naked, claiming it would improve his skill level
  • Crashed into a cop car while riding a lawnmower with a blood alcohol level of .3
  • Had too many pet rocks
  • Stabbed a man while wearing a bunny costume 

The true fake story of the first Pitt student to get COVID-19

By the writers of The Pittiful News, Original Article

😼

At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly. 

And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):

  • He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
  • He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
  • He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
  • A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
  • He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
  • The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
  • Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
  • He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
  • His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
  • A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
  • Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
  • He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
  • He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
  • A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
  • He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
  • He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
  • He was granted immunity to the common cold.
  • 😼
  • He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
  • Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
  • A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
  • The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
  • Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
  • Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
  • Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
  • The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
  • Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
  • His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
  • But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
  • The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
  • His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
  • His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul.

Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out. 

What article should we write for our 500th post?

By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule

The Motley Fool UK » Confetti Background

I recently noticed that the next post we make will be our 500th on the website. I thought that we should make this into a special occasion, so some writers have gotten together to come up with ideas for what to write. Email us at pittifulnews@gmail.com to tell us which of these you want to be our 500th post.

  • How to Live In Ikea
  • Your Spotify Wrapped: Kidz Bop Modified
  • Marie Kondo’s Guide To Covid. How To Purge The Virus
  • Top 500 Homoerotic Crosswalk Interactions
  • 50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train, 10 times
  • A transcript of a Zoom recording of one of our meetings, tangents included 
  • Stand-up Comedian Tier List
  • Sit-Down Comedian Tier List Because Ableism Sucks
  • Favorite Junior/School Edition Musicals 
  • How many Dunkin’ coffees will I have to skip in order to afford a decent nose job in New York State?
  • I Lived as a Muppet For a Day: Here’s What I Learned
  • True life: my strange attraction to Vince Vaughn (specifically Fred Claus era Vince Vaughn)
  • Defective Cat For Sale: No Bark Just Bite 
  • What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
  • How to write a group article 
  • Where did my dad go?
  • My lust for Oscar the Grouch has the same limit as Cookie Monster’s lust for cookies, no limit  
  • Why any of musical mastermind Dua Lipa’s songs could have sold very well as singles 
  • How to cool down your pizza roll without biting off the corner and huffing like a little whore
  • How to huff like a little whore
  • Why Marley was the biggest villain of all the villains in Glee
  • I know too much about radula  
  • I took a long winter break
  • Hufflepuff support group 
  • My life as a Leo apologist
  • What to write about for your 500th article
  • A 7th article about being in a cult 
  • Secondary uses for your cat
  • Mashed potatoes and other funny sounding foods
  • A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison escape edition
  • Upgrades to Pitt’s campus 
  • What to write for our 1000th post 
  • Imma go get a coffee
  • Imma commit voter fraud
  • Imma commit tax fraud
  • I assassinated the President of the United States
  • Flat Stanley spread the coronavirus  (we have photograph proof)

It has come to my attention that this will be our 500th post. Welp, we’ll get ‘em next time.

Our favorite things that we have heard being said to retail workers

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Young Retail Workers | NIOSH | CDC
  • “If I just leave without paying will I go to jail”
  • “I have a bladder issue” the customer then proceeded to talk about her extensive list of surgeries she had had over the past 5 years in excruciating detail
  • “Crazy times out there” *chuckle*
  • “My wife left, do you know what aisle the singles are in?” (no laughter accompanied his question btw)
  • “You’re a baby” (upon hearing that I am 19 years old)
  • “Can I jump to the front of the line? I left my kid in the car and it’s a scorcher out there today.”
  • “The coin shortage is all a revenge plot constructed by the Democrats”
  • A man rambled to me for about 20 minutes about his experiences being a travelling panhandler while I made his latte and didn’t hear a single word he said
  • “So like, what does this drink do? Is any of that stuff even good for you?”
  • “Why do you make your store so frustrating to shop at?” 
  • “Did you guys already put the 5G in the bathrooms? Because my arm is tingly.” (the man was later ushered out by an ambulance, as he was suffering a heart attack.)
  • “Oh, you dropped out of Pitt’s Japanese program because it was hard? My daughter majored in it, she thought it was easy.”
  • “I have a gun”
  • “Are you in college? Where do ya go? Oh Pitt? Yeah its good. I went to Penn State.”
  • “How ‘bout them cowboys?”
  • I helped a woman bring a box to her car and the whole entire time she was telling me about her dead husband, once I got her to her car she tipped me 50 dollars
    • The box I was carrying contained her husband’s ashes and some of his items
  • One time I watched an old man pull his mask down to lick his fingers to hand me his money. In the middle of a pandemic.
  • “Are you one of Jessie’s friends? They’re always chatting on their phones.”
  • “[Statement has been redacted for being extremely racist AND zenophobic. I love Pennsylvania.]”
  • “Masks can’t save use, only the grace of god can, it sucks that I killed Zeus last year or maybe he could help”
  • “Is mayonnaise and instrument”
  • “If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away to the words of a love song”
    • The customer was Kimberly Perry
  • “Hello ma’am, are these mashed potatoes on sale” “Sir, those are Essence magazines, not mashed potatoes” “Oh, ok, thank you for your help” “Sir, I see you putting the magazines into your pants, sir you can not leave the store, Sir…”
  • (An old man probably over 60) “I like your little braids. Do you have brothers? I bet they like to tug on them.”
  • “You look like Taylor Swift”
  • “You look like Emma Stone”
  • (this guy was clearly 2 kids stacked on top of each other in a trench coat) “Hello, we would like to buy your finest expired grape juice” (second smaller voice)”it is called wine” (first voice again) “*clears throat* *lowers voice* i mean wine, 2 wine please”
  • 😼

My fantasy funeral is better than yours

By Sarah Yule

Stop Buying Into the Airlines' Bereavement Fare Mythology ...

So here’s the deal. You want to pretend that you’re invincible. I get it, we’ve all been there. But
you need to get with the times. 2020 has ushered in a pandemic, and with it came an elevated
awareness of our mortality. And if you’re anything like me, Covid-19 isn’t the only thing
tarnishing your perfect picture of human health; there’s an empty package of Oreo cookies on
your desk that is doing that just as well. (Pro tip: If you wear a mask in your own home, you
can’t eat oreos with nearly as much efficiency. It’s basically free weight loss, so mask up!) So
now is the time to sack up and start planning your funeral!
Think about it, nobody knows you like you do, and the funeral is basically the only party that you
are guaranteed an invitation to. With BonBon cracking down on large gatherings, your
post-mortem plans are all you have left.
I got my start in the fantasy funeral biz when I was seven. This sounds odd, I am aware. But
mind you, I was a strange kid with even stranger parents. My dad and I would pass the time on
road trips imagining our dream memorial services. (sidenote: Hello father, I hope you opened
the link that I sent you to this article. Tuition well spent, don’t you think?) Here are some of the
highlights of what we came up with over the years.

  1. My service will take place in a funeral home that doubles as a crematorium. This is
    crucial.
  2. As soon as I perish, I have notified all who are close to me to begin preparing a set.
    About 10 minutes in length, each friend and family member will stand at the front of the
    room and address the large portrait of me, which will be propped up ahead of time. They
    will make jokes about me with no holds barred: nose jokes, fat jokes, mentioning that
    one time I was caught in the act of trying to stuff a family-sized container of uncooked
    pillsbury halloween cookies under my bed sheet to “save for later”, all the good stuff.
    Nothing will be off-limits at the Grand Roast of Sarah Yule, and I have already warned
    those speaking that I will haunt them for eternity if they go easy on me. They will get the
    crowd going with increasing numbers of knee-slappers.
  3. By the time friend number 3 takes the stage, there won’t be a dry pair of pants in the
    viewing room. And if you are peeing, you probably aren’t crying, and this is the plan. It’s
    a celebration of life, after all!
  4. At the end of the roast, a creepy older gentleman will materialize from the back room.
    More specifically, the man will be carrying me in an urn, fresh with my ashes, which were
    being prepared during the first half of the service. At this point, the man will take the
    microphone and announce that I was being roasted, while I was being roasted. This is
    why it is of the utmost importance that I am memorialized in a space that includes a
    crematory. If you thought the crowd was laughing before, now they’re really going.
    People are wheezing, falling to the ground. A few might even die from the lack of
    oxygen brought on by such a whacky turn of events; I mean COME ON, it’s a double
    roast. You don’t see those everyday.
  5. After Party at Denny’s, need I say more?
  6. As guests walk out of Denny’s, they will receive a t-shirt that reads: “Sarah died, and all I
    got was this lousy t-shirt”. Very much tourist, very “I survived the Bermuda Triangle.”
    With these amazing plans for my funeral, it is hard not to look forward to doom. Fearing death?
    Plan your funeral! You’ll barely be able to wait.