A Message from Dean Bonner (updated to contain information we obtained by answering the sphinx’s 69 riddles)

By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold

Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,

Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to the Guardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate. 

What will this change mean for you and your body?

(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library) 

Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34.  Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!

  •     Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they prefer to watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
  •     We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussy boning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
  •     Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
  •     At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
  •     Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
  •     Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
  • The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass. 
  • Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.

The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!

In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Tesla via your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch. 

Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower of ööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!

The facts don’t care about your feelings,

Kenyon Renyon Boner

Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students

If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol. 

Racist Zombie man comes to Pitt and an Update on the Broader Zombie Apocalypse

By ?????

               As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).

               Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars.  Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.

               If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.

               In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day

Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.

How I got banned from Chuck E Cheese

By Tyler Sikov

Before I start this story, I would like to mention that this happened before we were all trapped inside of our houses all day long. Now that that disclaimer is out of the way I will tell you why I was at Chuck E Cheese. I was doing my normal weekend routine of going to places populated by children and just hanging out. This weekend was particularly hard on my because my girlfriend, who is also my cousin’s hamster, broke up with me. We have only been dating about a month but that is like 30 years in hamster time. Because of this sad event happening I needed a bit more cheering up so I go to Chuck E Cheese.

               I went to Chuck E Cheese a number of times while I was a kid and I always enjoyed it. Now at the end of my life, early 20s, I wanted to play some more games before I am gone. By play games I obviously mean cheat. I would stand on the ski ball machines and just drop the balls into the highest point goal, I won many tickets. As a person who is the same age as many of the workers I could pass as one of them so no one questioned why I would be opening up all of the machines or taking prizes from the shelves and putting them into my car.

               Once I was done playing the games, I went over to listen to some music but it was not nearly hype enough. I had to do something about this. So, I go and reprogram the band to play WAP. I knew that the band could not hype up the crowd without some help so I jump on stage and start shredding this song. Right at the end of the song I stage dive into the crowd of adoring fans. I neglected to notice that all of my fans were 6-year-olds so I squished a few of them but that is fine, their parents can always make more without too long of a setback.

               I leave the music zone and go head towards the big pot of peas. I always love eating these multi colored peas that you need to take your shoes off before getting into the pot. I also love that there are many kids always swimming around in this big bowl, they add a bit of extra flavor to this rainbow pea soup. After eating most of the peas I am still hungry so I head to the salad bar and start eating many of the different dishes. After eating a bunch of plates and bowl I make myself two salads, the first I put on a plate for now and the other I pour into the trench coat I have been wearing the entire time in this establishment. I have also been wearing a top hat, a monocle, holding a cane and in a Mr. peanut costume.

               As I have to feed the 12 tape worms I keep safely in my stomach I am still hungry after that. I decide to go over and pick up a small child and eat him. He was surprisingly tasty, I had never eaten a person before, but I mean aren’t kids just appetizer people. I was getting some strange looks at this point so I decide to go and eat several more children in the tube climbing structure. Luckily once I get up there, they have no escape so I fill up on these small children.

               Once I get down from the climbing structure an employee comes up and asks me what child I brought with me. I tell him I just ate several kids and he told me he did not care, but that I needed to have a kid to come to Chuck E Cheese. I did not want to leave so I regurgitated a child and tossed him through a nearby window. I then shape shifted into Slenderman and siphoned the gas out of everyone else’s cars and filled up Chuck E Cheese with gasoline, lit it on fire and drove off. When I got home Chuck E Cheese himself appearing outside my window telling me I could not step foot in a Chuck E Cheese ever again. He should have been more specific because I went to another Chuck E Cheese and levitated all around the place. The night after I got back from my levitation, he showed up again and told me he was impressed by my chaotic energy and told me that I was banned from coming back to Chuck E Cheese ever again. I asked him what was stopping me and he removed his mascot head to reveal that he was actually Danny DeVito on Stilts. I bowed down before his majesty and have not been back to Chuck E Cheese ever since.

University to Sue City for Unauthorized Use of the Word “Pitt” in its Name

By Isaac Przybysz

pittsburgh

In light of the recently announced policy regarding club names, Pitt has decided to take legal action against the City of Pittsburgh for the use of “Pitt” in its name.

The policy in question would prohibit student organizations on campus from using the words “Pitt” or “Panther” in their names, due to being legally separate organizations. This would affect many organizations on campus, including us here at the P***iful News. However, the university has decided to go farther: the city it is located in.

“After careful consideration, we at the University have decided to enact this policy to protect our brand. As a consequence, we cannot allow the city of Pittsburgh, an independent entity, to use the ‘Pitt’ name,” said Pitt spokesperson Gatrick Pallagher in an email last week. “Unfortunately, the city’s arguments of ‘we had the name first’ and ‘how the hell do you even trademark an animal?’ are not acceptable grounds for exemption, and thus we have decided to pursue legal action against the city.”

The policy does,however, allow clubs to distinguish themselves as being located at the University by including “at Pitt” or “at the University of Pittsburgh” in their names.

“The city will just have to call itself The Burgh at Pitt,” said Pallagher.

For now, the city of P***sburgh is left wondering how to evade the wrath of the University overlords. The short answer? They can’t. Pitt is inevitable. All the city can do for its own identity is hope Blackbeard, metal alloys, and flightless birds don’t come knocking at the legal doors.