At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly.
And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):
He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
He was granted immunity to the common cold.
He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul™.
Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out.
By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule
I recently noticed that the next post we make will be our 500th on the website. I thought that we should make this into a special occasion, so some writers have gotten together to come up with ideas for what to write. Email us at email@example.com to tell us which of these you want to be our 500th post.
How to Live In Ikea
Your Spotify Wrapped: Kidz Bop Modified
Marie Kondo’s Guide To Covid. How To Purge The Virus
Top 500 Homoerotic Crosswalk Interactions
50 Ways to Say Goodbye by Train, 10 times
A transcript of a Zoom recording of one of our meetings, tangents included
Stand-up Comedian Tier List
Sit-Down Comedian Tier List Because Ableism Sucks
Favorite Junior/School Edition Musicals
How many Dunkin’ coffees will I have to skip in order to afford a decent nose job in New York State?
I Lived as a Muppet For a Day: Here’s What I Learned
True life: my strange attraction to Vince Vaughn (specifically Fred Claus era Vince Vaughn)
Defective Cat For Sale: No Bark Just Bite
What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign
How to write a group article
Where did my dad go?
My lust for Oscar the Grouch has the same limit as Cookie Monster’s lust for cookies, no limit
Why any of musical mastermind Dua Lipa’s songs could have sold very well as singles
How to cool down your pizza roll without biting off the corner and huffing like a little whore
How to huff like a little whore
Why Marley was the biggest villain of all the villains in Glee
I know too much about radula
I took a long winter break
Hufflepuff support group
My life as a Leo apologist
What to write about for your 500th article
A 7th article about being in a cult
Secondary uses for your cat
Mashed potatoes and other funny sounding foods
A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison escape edition
Upgrades to Pitt’s campus
What to write for our 1000th post
Imma go get a coffee
Imma commit voter fraud
Imma commit tax fraud
I assassinated the President of the United States
Flat Stanley spread the coronavirus (we have photograph proof)
It has come to my attention that this will be our 500th post. Welp, we’ll get ‘em next time.
“If I just leave without paying will I go to jail”
“I have a bladder issue” the customer then proceeded to talk about her extensive list of surgeries she had had over the past 5 years in excruciating detail
“Crazy times out there” *chuckle*
“My wife left, do you know what aisle the singles are in?” (no laughter accompanied his question btw)
“You’re a baby” (upon hearing that I am 19 years old)
“Can I jump to the front of the line? I left my kid in the car and it’s a scorcher out there today.”
“The coin shortage is all a revenge plot constructed by the Democrats”
A man rambled to me for about 20 minutes about his experiences being a travelling panhandler while I made his latte and didn’t hear a single word he said
“So like, what does this drink do? Is any of that stuff even good for you?”
“Why do you make your store so frustrating to shop at?”
“Did you guys already put the 5G in the bathrooms? Because my arm is tingly.” (the man was later ushered out by an ambulance, as he was suffering a heart attack.)
“Oh, you dropped out of Pitt’s Japanese program because it was hard? My daughter majored in it, she thought it was easy.”
“I have a gun”
“Are you in college? Where do ya go? Oh Pitt? Yeah its good. I went to Penn State.”
“How ‘bout them cowboys?”
I helped a woman bring a box to her car and the whole entire time she was telling me about her dead husband, once I got her to her car she tipped me 50 dollars
The box I was carrying contained her husband’s ashes and some of his items
One time I watched an old man pull his mask down to lick his fingers to hand me his money. In the middle of a pandemic.
“Are you one of Jessie’s friends? They’re always chatting on their phones.”
“[Statement has been redacted for being extremely racist AND zenophobic. I love Pennsylvania.]”
“Masks can’t save use, only the grace of god can, it sucks that I killed Zeus last year or maybe he could help”
“Is mayonnaise and instrument”
“If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away to the words of a love song”
The customer was Kimberly Perry
“Hello ma’am, are these mashed potatoes on sale” “Sir, those are Essence magazines, not mashed potatoes” “Oh, ok, thank you for your help” “Sir, I see you putting the magazines into your pants, sir you can not leave the store, Sir…”
(An old man probably over 60) “I like your little braids. Do you have brothers? I bet they like to tug on them.”
“You look like Taylor Swift”
“You look like Emma Stone”
(this guy was clearly 2 kids stacked on top of each other in a trench coat) “Hello, we would like to buy your finest expired grape juice” (second smaller voice)”it is called wine” (first voice again) “*clears throat* *lowers voice* i mean wine, 2 wine please”
So here’s the deal. You want to pretend that you’re invincible. I get it, we’ve all been there. But you need to get with the times. 2020 has ushered in a pandemic, and with it came an elevated awareness of our mortality. And if you’re anything like me, Covid-19 isn’t the only thing tarnishing your perfect picture of human health; there’s an empty package of Oreo cookies on your desk that is doing that just as well. (Pro tip: If you wear a mask in your own home, you can’t eat oreos with nearly as much efficiency. It’s basically free weight loss, so mask up!) So now is the time to sack up and start planning your funeral! Think about it, nobody knows you like you do, and the funeral is basically the only party that you are guaranteed an invitation to. With BonBon cracking down on large gatherings, your post-mortem plans are all you have left. I got my start in the fantasy funeral biz when I was seven. This sounds odd, I am aware. But mind you, I was a strange kid with even stranger parents. My dad and I would pass the time on road trips imagining our dream memorial services. (sidenote: Hello father, I hope you opened the link that I sent you to this article. Tuition well spent, don’t you think?) Here are some of the highlights of what we came up with over the years.
My service will take place in a funeral home that doubles as a crematorium. This is crucial.
As soon as I perish, I have notified all who are close to me to begin preparing a set. About 10 minutes in length, each friend and family member will stand at the front of the room and address the large portrait of me, which will be propped up ahead of time. They will make jokes about me with no holds barred: nose jokes, fat jokes, mentioning that one time I was caught in the act of trying to stuff a family-sized container of uncooked pillsbury halloween cookies under my bed sheet to “save for later”, all the good stuff. Nothing will be off-limits at the Grand Roast of Sarah Yule, and I have already warned those speaking that I will haunt them for eternity if they go easy on me. They will get the crowd going with increasing numbers of knee-slappers.
By the time friend number 3 takes the stage, there won’t be a dry pair of pants in the viewing room. And if you are peeing, you probably aren’t crying, and this is the plan. It’s a celebration of life, after all!
At the end of the roast, a creepy older gentleman will materialize from the back room. More specifically, the man will be carrying me in an urn, fresh with my ashes, which were being prepared during the first half of the service. At this point, the man will take the microphone and announce that I was being roasted, while I was being roasted. This is why it is of the utmost importance that I am memorialized in a space that includes a crematory. If you thought the crowd was laughing before, now they’re really going. People are wheezing, falling to the ground. A few might even die from the lack of oxygen brought on by such a whacky turn of events; I mean COME ON, it’s a double roast. You don’t see those everyday.
After Party at Denny’s, need I say more?
As guests walk out of Denny’s, they will receive a t-shirt that reads: “Sarah died, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”. Very much tourist, very “I survived the Bermuda Triangle.” With these amazing plans for my funeral, it is hard not to look forward to doom. Fearing death? Plan your funeral! You’ll barely be able to wait.
So, you might be thinking why is he being so open about this, that is a federal offence. But I am telling you all this because I trust you. Also, I have publicized many other treasonous acts, so if they are coming to get me, they will do it one way or another. I will start with that, yes, I did illegally cast 2 votes in the 2016 election. During that election I was not old enough to vote for real, so I had to get creative with how I got alone time with one of those sweet voting machines. In the past when I had committed voter fraud, I went to the polling location with my parents and while there I pretended to play with those fake voting machines. While I played with those toys, I provided enough of a distraction for me to signal my ninjas without anyone noticing. Comically, I voted for then host of the Celebrity Apprentice, a show I executive produced at the age of 8, Donald Trump, 7 times in 2008. At that time, I thought he was just a goofy guy who was friends with my favorite magician Penn Gillette. I could have never expected that after receiving only 7 votes, he would decide to run for president 8 years later. In 2012, before I realized the power my illegal votes held, I voted for a different candidate for president. I voted 39 times for ISIS, and I realize now that based on my previous success at guessing future candidates, I should have been more careful. I apologize for my past indiscretions. So, I decided I would make up for it in 2016 when Trump announced his run after sending me a letter thanking me.
In 2016 I went to two separate polling locations to make sure all of my illegal votes were counted equally. The first polling location I went to was well guarded, to get in and vote I had to answer a few riddles such as: what is your name, can you sign here, what is 3 times 6, “I run but never walk and I have a bed but never sleep”, what is your voter registration number. I just answered “river” for all of these questions, which confused the poll watchers but they guessed that turning river into numbers would give them my voter registration number. This worked because many years prior I had murdered someone named river and assumed their identity for the purpose of voting in this election. I got through and stole the voting block key thing and voted twice for: Donatello the ninja turtle (President), Yertle the turtle (Vice President), The tortoise who beat the hare (Governor, he lost to Tom Wolf, so I still got an animal elected), and Crush from finding Nemo (Australian ambassador).
Once I left that polling spot, I knew I would need help to pull off my next mission. So, I pulled some strings with my contacts in the many Narco states to our south and got myself a lot of Latin American Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, mafia members, and other assorted rapists, criminals, and good/bad hombres to help me with my task. We all went to a polling place and I used the skills I picked up at hypnotism camp to have the workers and voters let us pass and cast our votes. All said and done, we cast over 3 million votes for Hillary Clinton. I then sent an email to Trump to inform him that I brought a bunch of illegal immigrants to vote for his opponent and he thanked me for giving him a scapegoat to blame if he lost.
In the most recent election, the 2020 Presidential election, I voted only once. As I am now old enough to vote legally, I decided I would hang up my voter fraud suspenders, yes I was wearing suspenders this whole time, rethink what you imagine a felon who casts illegal votes looks like. I plan to pass on my skills of disrupting the democratic process to my kids one day, but until then, I suppose I will live under either the radical socialist government the Right seems to think will happen or the barely change government under Biden that the Left envisions. Also, if you live in Georgia remember to vote in this upcoming runoff, I would never try to influence who you vote for, just don’t let it be a turtle, any other animal is ok, there are already too many turtles in the senate.
I have once again gotten myself into a pickle, not literally this time. My neighbors wanted to test out their new security system, so they asked me to steal some of their lawn ornaments. I was on board immediately and began planning my expert heist. I arrive at their house (like a minute after I leave my house, you know neighbors and all) and I set my sights on my targets, the ornaments.
There is an assortment of ornaments. There is a peacock where the tail and body spin independently of each other. There is one that is topped with an orb, that I am certain is just a wizard staff half buried in the ground. There is a very rusted sun flower. The last one is a stained-glass picture of 2 butterflies on a stick.
I look for defenses and more importantly flaws in the defenses. I do not notice anything stopping me from stealing the ornaments. So, I walk up and pick the orb and peacock up. I walk back to my house and hide them in my garage. I go back and get the other 2 ornaments and hide them in my garage. As with all crimes I commit, I desire recognition so I go back to the scene of the crime and contemplate stealing their potted plants but decide against it.
A few hours later my neighbors asked where their lawn ornaments went. I informed them that I stole them as they had requested to which they replied that they had not yet installed their new security system and had been at a funeral while I was stealing their ornaments. They asked me to return them but I said no because I put some effort into planning my heist. I was planning on doing a number of flips and rolls through the laser field I pictured. I brought multiple bandanas which I planned to use as weapons. Most importantly I had a getaway driver which I never used, now I have to apologize to my mom for not using her help in yet another criminal act. I will keep you, my readers, up to date on my escapades in nefarious activities.
By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold
Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,
Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to theGuardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate.
What will this change mean for you and your body?
(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library)
Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34. Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!
Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they preferto watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussyboning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass.
Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.
The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!
In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Teslavia your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch.
Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower ofööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!
The facts don’t care about your feelings,
Kenyon Renyon Boner
Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students
If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol.
As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).
Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars. Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.
If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.
In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day
Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.