Heinz Chapel to Now Only Recognize Marriages Under the Church of Shrek

By Dana GoodImage result for church of shrek

At a controversial press conference on Tuesday, Heinz Chapel Head of Affairs Tracy Sylvester announced the famous landmark’s decision to only allow weddings under the church, “First Assembly of His Holiness Shrek”.

“We have let all those other stupid and made-up religions trample over us for too long,” said Sylvester of the historically non-denominational chapel, “It’s time we show our undying devotion to our lord and savior Shrek, once and for all.” An official list of changes that will be made to the chapel was released following the press conference.

Some of the alterations include: painting the famous red front doors a “swamp green”, carving “Shrek yo-self before u wreck yo-self, motherfuckers!!” above the chancel, and requiring all sheet music to be replaced with Smash Mouth’s 1999 hit song “All Star”. When asked for further questioning on these new changes, Sylvester removed her blazer, revealing a t-shirt that read, “Farquaad can eat my green ogre ass” and proceeded to shout, “I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I’m a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?” Construction will begin in early October and the Chapel will re-open in early November.

Really Cool Places to Visit Before You Die

By Jess Simpson

  1. 15 Yemen Road, Yemen
  2. The Baltimore Ann Taylor
  3. The ripped backseat of my mom’s Nissan minivan (license plate: FRQ892)
  4. Lord Farquaad’s castle
  5. Allegheny County Jail parking space number 5

  6. The Jonas Brothers’s reunion concert in Madison Square 2023
  7. Vladimir Putin’s 20 backyards
  8. The alley behind Corso St in Rome, Italy
  9. 37.0000000000000000000000001 ° latitude, 54.3578° longitude
  10. The goat farm owned by Cheyanne Neuenschwander’s family in Virginia http://www.caprikornfarms.com

Girlfriend in Face Mask Mistaken by Local Man as “Ready to Have Shrex”

By Holly Stavarski

Cleveland, OH Earlier this month, one couple’s romantic night in was interrupted by a huge misunderstanding. It was Valentine’s Day and Alison Bealer had told her boyfriend, Jackson Walsh that she did not want to do anything special.
“For the past seven years we have done something fun and extravagant and I just wanted a relaxing night in with my love,” said Alison.
    
They ordered Chinese and cuddled up on the couch to watch the 2011 cinematic classic “Dolphin Tale.” After a soothing back rub from Jackson, Alison decided to try a new facial treatment and take a warm bath. Unfortunately, Jackson did not know about this plan. He saw Alison applying her green face mask and immediately ran into the bedroom. When Alison entered the room looking for her robe, she saw Jackson sprawled across the bed in the Shrek costume that he had worn for Halloween for the past five years, with his erect penis out.
   
“I screamed and ran out of the room,” Alison recalls, “I was terrified! Even more so when he ran after me and started yelling ‘DONKEY!’”

Jackson, a devout fan of the Shrek franchise, thought that his girlfriend was going to make the most romantic gesture since anal, and fulfill his Shrexual fantasies.
“I have had complicated feelings about Shrek since I was a child and it was only recently that I have come to terms with my shrexuality. I confided in Alison and I thought she was cool with it–until last night,” Jackson said.
“I was caught off guard,” said Alison. “I was expecting a very low-key night. I did NOT expect to see an aroused Shrek in my bed, nor did I expect to let him into my swamp.”
Jackson is unsure about how he will go about proposing the scenario again.
     
“I want to talk to her about it, because her reaction felt like a bullet that went through all my layers, but I’m pretty sure its all ogre now.”
    
Alison confided that she would be okay with trying it again, but it will take some time, and for Jackson to stop saying Shrek puns.