Real Telemarketer calls we have gotten

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Image result for telemarketer
  • Contact tracers again… apparently I was “exposed” to “someone” with “COVID”.  Not falling for that shit. How do they know my friend who recently tested positive? He must have put them up to this.  
  • Bird Watches. Watches for birds.
  • Offers to sell me back my own liver at a markup.
  • The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.  Remember to run in a straight line,and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
  • 1-800-588, 2300, EMPIIIIIIRE
    • (Today!)
  • Presidential Alert System: THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.
  • Are you afraid of the concept of cats with swords for limbs? If so, please press 1.
  • Jehovah’s witnesses CALL now! I was so very pleasantly surprised that Covid safety was being held at such a high priority.
  • “I’m helping to conduct a survey. Would you mind answering a few questions? Yes? Great! First, am I gonna die?”
  • Your computer has a virus, and only I can cure it– for a low, low price of 500 dollars US exclusively in Apple Store gift cards.
  • We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
  • “Hello, this is the pole lickers fan club, may we speak to Lord Tyler”, “This is he”, “We are huge fans of your work, can you come lick some poles near us”, “I can lick street poles, people from Poland, or any of your local polling places” “All of the above please”
  • “If you like piña coladas, and gettin’ caught in the rain”
  • Some dweeb keeps calling me and saying he works for the “IRS” and I’m being “audited.” What does that even mean, Idiot Rescue Services? If you fall for a scam like that you’re really just bringing it upon yourself.
  • Dear Gabriella, you have been randomly selected to participate in a student satisfaction Web survey of undergraduate students at the University of Pittsburgh. As a token of our appreciation for your efforts, we will enter you into a drawing for one of four iPad minis. The winners will be chosen after the survey is completed. By participating in this survey, you can let the University know what you think about your educational experiences and the quality of campus life. This will provide us with valuable insight as to how to improve services for present and future students. 
    • My name isn’t Gabriella.
  • “Would you be interested in donating your legs, toes and/or other body parts to children in need?” -a call from a guy who sounded suspiciously like the Winklevoss twins from The Social Network.
  • Hello my name is David and I am looking for a friend. Will you be my friend? Please?
  • “Do you find yourself struggling to finish your homework and find motivation for your online classes? Lmao, same”
  • Sometimes I get random ones in chinese but I don’t know any chinese (just imagine I wrote this in chinese).
  • Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture. Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.  Nous avons essayé de vous contacter au sujet de la garantie prolongée de votre voiture.
  • Hello this is a hitman agency. We will take out Tyler Sikov for free, if you so desire.
  • “Hey, this is your boss calling, again. You still haven’t come in and it’s been five days. If you skip work again so you can spend more time on Reddit, we are gonna fire you.”
  • Hey Jessie 
  • 01785 276126, they called me to tell me I had died.
  • Affirmative. The target is in sight.
  • Hello, it’s me, I’ve been wondering if, after all of these years, you’d like to meet, to go over everything, they say time heals you but I haven’t done much healing. 
  • Hey girlboss! Are you tired of your 9-5? Do you wanna create your own schedule on your own terms? Well, I can show you how by selling tacky leggings! It’s so simple and easy and definitely financially sound.  
  • A very nice man from Nigeria asked me to wire him some dollars US.
  • Gently used and refurbished casket salesman. You wouldn’t think that would be a booming industry, but apparently a lot of folks opt for cremation at the last second.  
  • Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.
  • Baby shoes for sale. Never worn, but they could be soon! What size are your baby’s feet?
  • HI NUMBER NEIGHBOR!!!! MY NAME IS— *click*
  • Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. Προσπαθήσαμε να επικοινωνήσουμε μαζί σας σχετικά με την εκτεταμένη εγγύηση του αυτοκινήτου σας. 
  • Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?
  • Hey! How you feelin’? Are you still the same? Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can’t believe they’ve all faded out of view. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh.
  • Hot Singles In My Area??? Yes Please!
  • Excuse me yes hello I am looking for an companion would you be interested in having a sugar daddy? 
  • Jolene? Jolene. Jolene! Jolene! I’m begging of you please don’t take my man. 
  • Hey what’s up you guys? Yes! Welcome back to my channel. Today’s video is sponsored by naturebox. Naturebox is—
  • Hot dog, fall out of bun, into sewer drain
  • “Hello, is this the esteemed Lord Tyler” “Yes, yes this is”, “Hello, we found that you are entitled to a stake in the queen’s fortune when she dies.” “Oh yes, that makes sense as I am a lord.”, “We already have your bank routing number, we will send you the money once she passes.” “Thank you.”, “Oh, one more thing, we’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty–”
  • “Yes I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain…”
  • “I’m the Viper, I have come to Vipe your vindows”
  • “Achoo” “Achoo” 
    • I got this one at 2 am, a cold caller at that hour
  • “Hello, Lord Tyler, this is your ex-husband’s divorce attorney, Max Smith esq., we have reason to believe that you have murdered your ex, we understand that he sucked, I mean the only reason we kept him around was for the money, so I don’t blame you, but, your child support is still due for the 17 deer he purchased and convinced the Supreme Court of the United States are legally his biological children.
  • “Hi sweetie, this is your grandmother.” “Shut up you old hag, stop calling me!”
    • This was not a telemarketer, I just hate my grandmother
  • hto dog (sic)
  • FBI open up
  • Job interview for telemarketing position

A day in the life of a Pittiful News Writer: Russian Prison Escape Edition

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Image result for russian prison

Привет Барби

Привет, Кен!

Ты хочешь прокатиться?

Конечно, Кен!

Перейти …

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Я блондинка-бимбо в мире фантазий

Одень меня, сделай это туго, я твоя тележка

Ты моя кукла, рок-н-ролл, почувствуй гламур в розовом

Поцелуй меня здесь, прикоснись ко мне там, носовой платок …

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

(uu-oooh-u) Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Заставь меня ходить, заставь меня говорить, делай, что хочешь

Я могу действовать как звезда, я могу просить на коленях

Приходите, пустышка, друг, давайте сделаем это снова

Хит город, дурачиться, пойдем на вечеринку

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

Можно потрогать, можно поиграть, если скажешь: «Я всегда твой»

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Я девушка Барби в мире Барби

Жизнь в пластике, это фантастика!

Вы можете причесать меня, раздеть меня везде

Воображение, жизнь – ваше творение

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) Давай, Барби, пошли на вечеринку!

(А-а-а-а)

Давай, Барби, пойдем на вечеринку!

(uu-oooh-u) О, мне так весело!

Что ж, Барби, мы только начали

О, я люблю тебя, Кен!

Privet Barbi

Privet, Ken!

Ty khochesh’ prokatit’sya?

Konechno, Ken!

Pereyti …

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

YA blondinka-bimbo v mire fantaziy

Oden’ menya, sdelay eto tugo, ya tvoya telezhka

Ty moya kukla, rok-n-roll, pochuvstvuy glamur v rozovom

Potseluy menya zdes’, prikosnis’ ko mne tam, nosovoy platok …

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

(uu-oooh-u) YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Zastav’ menya khodit’, zastav’ menya govorit’, delay, chto khochesh’

YA mogu deystvovat’ kak zvezda, ya mogu prosit’ na kolenyakh

Prikhodite, pustyshka, drug, davayte sdelayem eto snova

Khit gorod, durachit’sya, poydem na vecherinku

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

Mozhno potrogat’, mozhno poigrat’, yesli skazhesh’: «YA vsegda tvoy»

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

YA devushka Barbi v mire Barbi

Zhizn’ v plastike, eto fantastika!

Vy mozhete prichesat’ menya, razdet’ menya vezde

Voobrazheniye, zhizn’ – vashe tvoreniye

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) Davay, Barbi, poshli na vecherinku!

(A-a-a-a)

Davay, Barbi, poydem na vecherinku!

(uu-oooh-u) O, mne tak veselo!

Chto zh, Barbi, my tol’ko nachali

O, ya lyublyu tebya, Ken!

I’m a closeted homo

By Lord Tyler Sikov

"Pride Cats" by theoceanowl | Redbubble

               It has been more than 6 months since I came back from the Orlando Pride Parade. I wrote an article about my adventures there if you would like to know more. Since my return I have been feeling a bit out of place. I feel like I am not truly me. I did some research online and I discovered I am without a doubt a homo. At this point I am a closeted homo because I am worried what my family will do if they find out. They are not the most accepting, they believe themselves above everyone and hardly ever offer words of encouragement for those less fortunate.

               I know that they will not react well to me being a homo, but I will have to tell them at some point. I love them and they have their own way to show their love for me. For some context I have a mom, a dad, 2 brothers, and a sister. My sister is rather shy and could be called a chicken so I know she will take whichever side has the most people on it. After a while she will accept me because I always comfort her whenever there are big loud noises.  My brother that is 2 years older than me will probably try to find a way to convince me I am wrong, probably telling me I just need to have a drink, take a bath, or eat some greens and then throw up to feel cleansed. If I can convince him that this is the way I am he will try to find a solution, a way to turn me back. But after a while he will come to his senses and will let me live the way I was meant to. My other brother, with his ginger hair, is much more understanding. I will convince him with my first confession. He has assured me that he will love me no matter what, especially because I help clean up after him and I help with his chores.  He is also the sibling that spends the most time in my room, he may even spend more time in there than I do.

               My parents will be a different story. I discovered a few years ago that I was adopted. But so were all of my siblings. My parents could not have children so they adopted four. A ginger boy, a raven black haired girl, a hazel eyed boy, and then me. They adopted me without knowing that I would turn out to be a glasses wearing homo. Some people will say that I look a bit like my father, and while I see it, I am the odd ball out of the family.

            I must say, it clicks, like it all clicks. This explain why I always dress different than the rest of my family. Me being a homo is why I am a much neater eater. The rest of my family are rather animalistic when they eat. I have a vastly different cleaning system and schedule, I am no where near as flexible as the rest of my family, and I am the only one capable of opening most jars in our house.

            I will just have to come out and say it.

            I will have to come out of my closet, another thing that I have that my family does not.

            I am a homo.

            I am a homosapien.

            My family are all cats, I am a homosapien, and I don’t know where to go from here.

Help, I have been stabbed

By Lord Tyler Sikov

I should probably start with how I woke up this morning, it was a typical morning for me. I woke up in the morning feeling like p-diddy, I grabbed my glasses I’m out the door I’m going to hit the city, before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack, cause when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back. I’m talking about the fact that I can see parts of the future. I have very similar powers as Raven from the hit 2000’s show That So Raven, also known as the last card of exodus. Similar to that show my visions do not always come true, different that that show I try to make them come true. As many of you know by now, I am a bit of a masochist. I saw someone standing over me with a bloody knife. You may be thinking, how did I know it was my blood. Well, I know because I bleed sterling silver, and the knife was rather shiny with my shiny blood.

               I enjoy getting stabbed, but something seemed different this time. I have been to many of the afterlives, and have always come back but I seem to be running out of places to go once I die. I do not want to go to the duwat, the Egyptian afterlife, because of that one time I stole all of the ibis’s in the world. Isis was not happy with me after that. This time I am talking about the goddess Isis, the wife of Osiris, not the terrorist organization. The organization likes me a lot as I committed a lot of voter fraud to help them take over the infidel infested country we live in. Back to the Egyptian afterlife, the only good thing that could come from going there is that I already worship cats, and there are many more cats to worship there. Bast, the cat goddess, and I used to date so I have a bit of good fortune with her. We broke up because despite popular speculation, I am not in fact a cat. I have an article about that coming in the future.

               While I was worrying about what would happen after I died this time, I neglected to pay attention to my surroundings. I found myself standing in the middle of the river Styx, and I mean in the river. While I lay at the bottom, I saw all of the cats I love bap the water to try to pull me out. I also for some reason saw a guy in Trojan battle armor standing next to a small replica of the Trojan horse. He was yelling at me to pick a spot to anchor my mortality, I chose my belly button because I have an inny and anyone trying to stab me there would need to stab slightly further to be able to damage me. I get out and find that I went through the same process as Achilles, so I suppose I have an Achilles belly button.

               Having my entire body immune to damage except for my belly button if it weren’t for the fact that I forgot today was sumo wrestling with knives night in my house. I put on my giant cloth pants and was quickly stabbed by my brother. While I laid on the floor bleeding out with my brother standing over me, I saw my vision come true. Right then I woke up with Bast and about 100 other cats curled up next to me. It turns out my previous assessment of why I do not often die is that I have so many connections with different gods that they all either want to help me stay alive or they hate me so much that they can not stand having me in their domain. In this case, Bast had given me 9 lives like a cat. Sorry if I am cutting this story short, but I need to get back to the bathing pile where all of the cats pile on top of each other and bathe themselves and others in the pile.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 1st – February 7th

By Ella Mizera

Horoscope for Saturday Oct 24, 2020: Here's astrology prediction for  Cancer, Virgo, Leo and all zodiac signs | Astrology News – India TV

Aries: Sometimes it doesn’t matter how wide you open your eyes. There is still darkness outside.

Taurus: Have you ever really dreamed of a white christmas? If you have, please call me. I believe we may have met before.

Gemini: Wake up early and shovel your driveway. I don’t know what the powder covered it is, but it may be worthwhile to drop it off at a biohazard collection site.

Cancer: Blood is thicker than hot chocolate, but what they do have in common is being great to leave out for Santa Claus.

Leo: Winter has been a trying time for all of us. Purify yourself this holiday season via eggnog enema. 

Virgo: Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh may make for an entertaining chase scene, but the demons will outrun the horse eventually.

Libra: Do not attempt to pronounce the runes inscribed in your cranberry sauce. That sauce was shipped to the wrong dimension by accident. Don’t eat it, either.

Scorpio: While spending Christmas with family may increase your risk of spreading COVID-19, it’s helpful to have a blood sacrifice on hand in case Eldritch Saint Nick comes calling.

Sagittarius: Shut your bedroom window tightly tonight, no matter what the woman outside of it says.

Capricorn: Your relatives may not believe in the election results, but they’ll have to believe in the mythos if they want to make it out of your house alive.

Aquarius: Keep the magic alive for the kiddos. Steal Santa Claus’s face and graft it on over your own. 

Pisces: Make sure that the gift you give your loved ones is something near to their heart. An artery, perhaps.

I have stormed the Capitol

By Lord Tyler Sikov

United States Capitol - Wikipedia

               If you turn the news on right now you will probably hear that many protestors have stormed the capitol building. Just like the amount of people that showed up to Trump’s inauguration, the number of protestors has been greatly exaggerated. It is just me here. I mean the congress members are also here, but I am the only protestor. What am I protesting you might ask; well, I am protesting the injustice that has been perpetrated against penguins. The past several times I have released penguins into the chambers of congress everyone freaked out. Did I toss a few off of the balcony making them land on some senators’ heads, possibly? But they did not react the way I hoped they would so I have infiltrated the capital to lighten the mood by pulling a number of other zany pranks.

               The first prank I am pulling is ding dong ditching the congress members in alphabetical order. I started with Susan Collins and ended with Mitch McConnell. None of them saw it was me, as I was dressed like a mummy mummy. That is a mummy dressed as an old timey British mother. This wacky fool that I pulled did not feel like it got my message across so I moved onto my second prank. I flooded the entire building with laughing gas. This was good as they had run out in the basement dentist’s office and Orin Hatch was getting a root canal. That spoof seemed like something the joker would do, and as I don’t like copying my uncle, I moved onto my next prank quickly.

               I went and found all of the presidential photos. I drew mustaches on the presidents that did not have mustaches and I removed the mustaches from the portraits that had mustaches. This was seeming rather small scale so I decided to step up my game. I went to one of the large open rooms filled with statues. I began to move the statues to different places. But every time I would look back, the statues would be right back where they started. I determined that they had some sort of spell on them similar to the one in the movie Night at the Museum. So, I went and asked nicely if they would move to random places and help me with my wacky hijinks. They happily helped, if there is one thing I know about statues it is that they love pulling pranks.

               This is where the problem began. Capitol police were called to the scene. By this point I had already placed jello recreations of all of the congress members in their seat on the house and senate floor. I also meticulously made jello capitol police, this confused the human police enough for me to escape. The news stations have been painting what I did as an insurrection and claim that I have seditious intent. While I have in the past successfully overthrown the government, this was not one of those time. This is all to say that there may be a few less articles by me for a bit, it all depends on the grand jury’s vote. I have catnapped most of the jury members’ cats for a bit of incentive for them to not indict me.

Our Predictions for this upcoming semester

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

2021 University of Pittsburgh Calendar
  • I will remain alone. 
  • Dean Bonner will unhinge his jaw like a snake and eat Provost Ann Eggbert Cudd. 
  • J.K. Rowling will announce that Hogwarts was based off of The University of Pittsburgh.
  • I will eat another cactus.
  • I will kill another cactus. 
  • I will expand my parameters on Tinder. Age? Location? Gender? We’ll see.   
  • TikTok will sponsor the entire Pitt Theater Department.
  • My parents will love me.
  • The Power of Pitt signs will stay safe and unmolested for the entire year.
  • Roc will find love and retire to start a family.
  • I’ll find a new use for my now-empty under-the-bed wine cellar (it’s a storage tote).
  • I will be able to successfully count all the dots on my ceiling.
  • I might actually wear that dress I bought before COVID.
  • Mr. Sir His Highness Dean Bonner will continue to go on his “safety walks” and “gather feedback” from “students”. I bet half of the people he’s talking to don’t even go here! 
    • Drop the names, Kenyon!!!!
  • That one spot on Forbes will continue to smell absolutely rancid.  
  • Upperclassmen may not be able to make rent due to the lack of freshmen partying.
  • Your Tinder date will go badly. 
  • 90% of freshmen will get overcharged for weed. 
  • You will save up your dining dollars only to be sent home in two months and never be able to use them again.
  • Eric will be paid generously for his hard work here at the Pittiful News.
  • It will turn out that your college experience was merely a very long dream you had during a coma you went in during high school– all of that knowledge you have accumulated is literally just dreamy nonsense.
  • I will be happy, finally. Right guys? Right? 
  • The panther statue will become a COVID superspreader. 
  • My illegal hamster will join the Cathy Club.
  • Maybe I’ll learn how to cook.
  • I will fall asleep in the arms of my beloved. (This could be difficult as I buried them two months ago after I successfully became a widower.)
  • Tyler will learn to spell words with two or more syllables.
    • It is Lord Tyler to you.
  • My third album will go platinum. 
    • It had Kelly Clarkson.
  • We will live underwater.
  • Your great great great granddaughter is doing fine.
  • Lord Tyler will fake his own death anywhere from 6 to 30 more times.
  • I will dye my hair red in a 3AM caffeine-induced panic attack and cover it up by claiming someone was murdered in my shower.
  • Flex at Pitt becomes the name of Pitt’s new Department of Yoga Studies.
  • Flex at Pitt will become rigid.
  • I will spend all of my money at Dunkin’ after promising not to. 
  • I will continue to lie, cheat, and steal my way through online classes. Sike haha don’t show the department boards this. 
  • The COVID vaccine will have the unexpected side effect of herpes. 
  • I will download Dark Zoom for my illegal, bad boy classes. 
  • President Biden will abdicate his throne to the My Pillow Guy.
  • Groundhog Day will be cancelled due to lack of people caring.
  • Groundhog Day (1993) (film) will be cancelled because of some super scandalous goings-on with Tom Hanks and Bill Murray.
  • I will have to take a tinkie winkie or a stinkie winkie and I will do it in my sinkie winkie.
  • Another COVID vaccine will come out and be like downloading knowledge from the Matrix.
  • I will send Ann E. Cudd’s emails to spam. Cutting out toxic people in 2021.
    • Preach Sister.
  • Same problem, different pandemic. Once the masks go by the wayside, condoms will follow suit. Patient zero? Roc the Panther.
  • Amazon will dominate.
  • The Perch employees will get mad at me and I will cry. 
  • I will cry more often, and my tears will be far more powerful.
  • I will find you.
  • The “es hora de comer” guy will admit to four counts of homicide and subsequent cannibalism.
  • Pitt will finally open up their definition of clubs to include cults and sketchy religious organizations.
  • The alt kids will start unironically wearing JoJo Siwa merch around campus.
  • Even in a global pandemic, the members of the Cathy Club will increase tenfold. Do not underestimate the power of horny freshmen. 
  • Dean Bonner will send out an email proclaiming that he is “very disappointed in us”.
    • The Pittiful News will parody said email.  
  • I will finally get the spoon I lent to a friend back.
  • This club’s name will change.  
  • I will finally get up the courage to come out as pro-beastiality so I can ask out my crush, Galligator. 
  • Miraculous LadyBug season 4 will come out.
  • People, places, and things will happen.
  • Roc will star in a porno for meth money. It will be his Roc bottom.
    • Aptly entitled “Roc’s Bottom”.
  • Maybe I’ll pay the dues (just maybe).
  • I will burn out halfway through and abandon all of my commitments and blame it on Zoom. Again. 
  • I will finally get the bagels on a stick that Tbo promised me back when iCarly was on the air.
  • Cottagecore Club.
  • Forty leprechaun-sized men will hijack the Cathedral of Learning and fly it to the moon.
  • I’ll spend a tuition’s worth of money at the Forbes Chipotle– if they can get orders ready fast enough.
  • I will hide away the spoon I “borrowed” from a friend so they never find out I used it to eat peanut butter from the jar.
  • The sixth Jonas Brother will be revealed. 
  • The Czechoslovak Nationality Room will be replaced by the E-Girl Room. 
  • The Pittiful News will change their name. (again)
  • A group of friends, in some Pitt dorm, somewhere will pledge to start a podcast that nobody will listen to.  
  • The fifth Jonas Brother will succumb to the same STD as Roc did. 
  • People will finally start listening to my podcast.

We have been asked to change our name, so we are brainstorming

By the writers of [REDACTED]

  • Project Involving The Terrible Individuals From Underground Louisiana (PITTIFUL)
  • Private Investigative Team to Introduce Funny Unique Language (Not Enough Water Squirrels) ((PITTIFUL (NEWS)))
  • Post-Ironic Torture Team Introducing Fear & Undying Love (PITTIFUL)
  • Paternal Ignorance Towards The Improvement oF Useless Laxatives (PITTIFUL)
    • THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A USELESS LAXATIVE
      • YES THERE IS I HAVEN’T SHIT IN YEARS
        • MIRALAX IS NOT YOUR FRIEND TRY DULCOLAX 
          • I CAN CONFIRM MIRALAX SUCKS 
  • People In The Tacky Illegal Furry Underwear League (PITTIFUL)
  • Priests Illegally Taking Taranatulas From Underprivileged Losers (PITTIFUL)
  • Pee In Torso. Thats (sic) It. Full Uf Pee. (PITTIFUP)
  • Piddle Iddle Tiddly Tiddle Iddly Fiddle Uddle Luddle (PITTIFUL)
  • People In the Teeny Tiniest Itty-bitty Fedora Under the reign of Lice overlords (PITTIFUL)
  • PointParkiful News
  • The Carnegie Mellon of the other side of Oakland- iful News
  • Penn State News 
  • Unidentified Pennsylvanian Metro Comedy (UPMC)
  • Pennsylvania Institution of Scholarly Satire (PISS)
  • West Area Pennsylvania Comedy Or Other College Historical Information Entity (WAPCOOCHIE)
  • The Artist Formerly Known as P*ttiful
  • The Princeiful News
  • The Pit is Full News
  • Just the ttiP
  • Weird Abbreviation Practitioners (WAP)
  • Cannibal Club 
  • People Eaters Anonymous 
  • People Eating Anchovies ‘N’ mUstard Sauce (PEANUS)
  • George Washington Gale Ferris Jr. Fan Club
  • PHelp IMe TI’m TStuck In FThe UAcronym LMachine (PITTIFUL)
  • The Dean Bonner Fan Club 
  • Gaffeigator
    • This is not a jim gaffigan pun i am familiar with
  • Brad Pitt News: We’re changing up our content
    • We picked the worst time for a Brad Pitt club
  • The bottomless Pitt of despair 
  • The Nittiful Pews
  • The Knittiful News
  • The Kittenful Mews
  • The Clittiful News: Where Is It? 
    • “We Do Not Know” – Local Straight Man (source: south o frats)
  • Big Cat Satire
  • Small Cat Satire
  • Catamount Comedy
  • Tyler Talks About Cats: The Club: The Newspaper
    • Cats: The Movie: The Club: The Newspaper
    • High School Musical: The Musical: The Series 
  • Pun Exploring Network In Sequestration (PENIS)
  • The [REDACTED]iful News 
  • The XXXXiful News
  • The University of Punsburgh
  • The “I am unhappy with the fact that we have to change our name” News
  • Armpitt  
  • Lord Tyler Sikov and the Serfs
  • Lorde, Tyler Sikov, and the Serfs
  • Gallagator & the Bonner Bunch
  • Funny Bunches of Jokes  
  • The “thing at the center of a cherry”-ful news  
  • Temporary Idiots and Tyler Sikov (TITS)
  • The Piddle-ful News 
  • The Oxford Comma Is Hot And Sexy And Cool Club (this is for sarah this does not have to be in the article) (TOCIHASACC)
  • Y? (Y!)
  • Catire
  • Mashed Potatoes  
  • The Pittato
  • Mama mia pizza pie, I havE been arresteD fOr tax evasioN, Great (MIE DONG)  
  • Pasta In The TrevI FoUntain Lol (PITTIFUL)
  • HAtred, Plenty, PrettY, BIRds, THe Ducks, And You (HAPPY BIRTHDAY) 
  • The Primary Satirical News Organization of THE Ohio State UNIVERSITY of PA that isn’t Penn State
  • The, “Wait, they’re still a thing?” club
  • The “thing in my stomach when I’m nervous”-iful club
  • Screw You and the Panther You Rode In On
  • UPMC Church of Scientology 
  • Fox News 
  • May You Dream Of News Galligators (MY DONG)
  • Kids In Da Zealous Banal Offbeat Paper (KIDZBOP)
  • The Pittiful News but we are referring to the University of Pittsburgh in Pittsburgh, Kansas
  • The Club. There is only one.  
  • A Club Has No Name
  • Fight Club
  • The Pitiful News, but now we only provide Pitbull content 
  • See above, but the dog breed and not an entire satire site dedicated to Mr. Worldwide
  • The Pittbull News
  • Ittifulpay Ewsnay
  • Pig Latin elitIst Club 4 Kids (PLICK)
    • Population: Eric J. Brinling
  • The WIzard’s  Love Every Kitten (TWI’LEK)
  • More Yaks, DOgs, kitteNs, and Goats (MY DONG)
  • Protein ANalysis THrough Evolutionary Relationships (PANTHER)
  • OY VEY? (OY VEY.)
  • MY DONG 
  • League Of Sexy, Evil, Rich Students (LOSERS)
  • Alpha Phi
  • Konkey Dong Fan Club
  • The Pi Iota Tau Tau Iota Phi Upsilon Lambda News
  • Society for the Advancement of Literary Talent and Creation of Other Captivating Kneejerks (SALTCOCK)
  • The P!tt!fu1 News
  • A Mistake

How the writers of the Pittiful News spent their MLK day

By the writers of the Pittiful news

Monday January 18, 2021 is MLK Day, a Day of Service ...
  • I went to therapy. 
  • I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
  • I brushed some teeth.  Not mine but we’ll get there eventually. 
  • I got to third base with my cat.
    • That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
  • I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
  • I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.   
  • I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate. 
  • I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
  • I blocked my aunt on Facebook
  • I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
  • I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
  • I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
  • My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
  • I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge. 
  • I had a gay thought.
  • I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
  • I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016. 
  • Admired a banana sticker
  • I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty. 
  • I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
  • I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables.  Right as we were making plans, too.  How sad!
  • Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
  • I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create.  Now I know you can make boards private.  You live and you learn.
  • I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
  • Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.  
  • Slept in.
  • Watched the Inauguration.
  • Kidnapped several children.
  • I watched this video.
  • I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year. 
  • Committing various war crimes 
  • Got shot while standing on a balcony  

Pitt says students should not travel to campus until further notice (updated to contain the information that was seized during our recent raid of the capitol)

By the writers of the Pittiful News: original article (updates made in bold)

The+Cathedral+of+Learning+watches+over+Schenley+Plaza.

Pitt students should not travel to campus yet for the upcoming spring semester due to COVID-19 certainty, Pitt’s COVID-19 Medical Response Office said in a Friday evening email. Classes are scheduled to begin when I feel like it, dammit, using the same Flex@Pitt teaching model that did not work in the fall.

“Based on the uncertainty of the prevalence of the virus after the holidays and the psychic reading we were given at the Forbes Ave CVS Express earlier this afternoon, none of the students should travel yet,” the office said. “We continue to recommend that you remain where you are currently sitting, because the floor is indeed lava.”

The office said the University will give students at least two hours notice before advising that students should travel to campus. Residence halls will open in a “chevron” pattern similar to the fibonacci sequence. The office added that the earliest it advises students to travel is the last week of Decembruary.

“All Pitt students — whether or not you live in this universe, let alone University housing — should not travel to the area prior to this time,” the office said, “even if you live in Oakland already. Stay out. This is no place for you youngins’.”

The University said it will release bees and more information next week on pre- and post-travel restrictions, recommended arrival dates, Rice Purity testing requirements and shelter-in-place guidance for all students.

Eric Macadangdang, the president of Student Government Board, said even though this move is “inconvenient” for students, it’s necessary due to rising COVID-19 numbers locally and nationally, and the University of Pittsburgh doesn’t give a shit if you little bastards don’t “do well outside of an in-classroom environment”. The University of Pittsburgh recorded more than 4,000 daily COVID-19 deaths for the first time Thursday, the highest single-day total since the pandemic began.

“Students are not very valid and are frustrated with not knowing when they can return to campus,” Smackmydangdang said. “But on the brighter side of things, we’re seeing numbers that are through the roof.”

Mack-a-lang-long-ding-dong added that since students will be arriving to campus after classes start but before professors start really teaching, he’s told Vice Provost and Dean of Students Kenyon Bonner and other senior University officials in meetings throughout this week that courses need to be flexible to reflect these “unprecedented and tough circumstances.” The way to test “course flexibility” has been determined by the board. If Kenyon Bonner can’t do it all in one semester then neither can you.

“I’ve made it clear in these discussions this week that, given that we’re definitely going to see students arrive to campus after classes start, we have to make sure that faculty and professors and teaching assistants are well equipped to fail everybody during this time,” Macadamia Nut Cookie said.

Chris Bonneau, the faculty government president, said it was clear to him as the fall semester was ending that the spring would begin online. He added that Flex@Pitt allows the University to not delay the start of the spring semester, as some wimpier universities have decided.

“We’re sexy and we know it,” Bonneau, the president of the University Senate, said. “I don’t think any student should be surprised by that, that we’re starting online, also I am the Senate

Bonneau added that Pitt is still in the process of determining how to bring students back to campus in the least safest possible manner, given soaring virus cases across the country and the limited amount of f***s Pitt gives. (F r o g s has been censored in the previous sentence as the PC police are banging down our doors right now)

“We’re trying to figure out how to repopulate the campus and do so in a way that’s safe, that doesn’t stress our health care capacity, that doesn’t stress our testing capacity, but incredibly stresses our students,” Bonneau said. “It’s a real problem trying to figure out how to do this. My best suggestion is another Roc orgy, that will not only repopulate the campus but can also repopulate the forests as panthers are endangered.

In response to a question about the spring announcement’s placement, which came from a bottom during his rote Friday evening romp about campus case numbers, Bonneau said he thought all communications from Pitt should be “as unclear as possible.”

“We shouwd be doing a few twings that we can to make sure students and every steakholder has the least necessary information, like where to get the best sushi in Oakland, where Gallagher’s ticklish spots are, and how we know when COVID is gonna get bad before it does,” Bonneau said. “Highlighting things like that upfront, personally I think are preferable. But I’m not a person… I don’t know the reasoning behind people, so I don’t want to speculate too much.”

To stay updated on this ever changing story visit one of these 2 websites https://thepittifulnews.com/

or https://thepittifulnews.com/