The autumn breeze has begun to set in, and in this period of transition it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the future.
Aries: You will reminisce on the futility of life this week, just as you have every other week this year. You can find an answer, but it will involve going to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Forbes and asking for Jim.
Taurus: Try using conditioner before shampoo. This isn’t a metaphor, I just want to know what happens if you do that.
Gemini: Your scrapbooking hobby will take a turn for the gruesome, so make sure to freshen the air before your roommate comes back and asks you why the room smells like blood.
Cancer: That window doesn’t lead outside. I don’t know where it goes, but it isn’t where you think it goes based on Euclidean geometry. Maybe that’s where they keep the frozen corpses of our previous deans?
Virgo: Have a friend over for dinner. Also, the meaning of life is written on page 42 of the closest textbook. I know, it’s weird.
Libra: Bernie Sanders will appear to you in dreams, asking for a sacrifice. What he asks of you is entirely dependent on your relationship with your mother.
Scorpio: What if my dog is just an ambulating mass of bees wearing a dog suit for Halloween? What if yours is too?
Sagittarius: The next few days will be hard. Substantially harder, as if they were somehow more solid than the last. Enjoy your liquid days while they last, for the freezer of God is merciless.
Capricorn: It’s time that we started going back to geocentrism, and you are the perfect leader for this intellectual uprising. Show NASA what’s up.
Aquarius: Throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, an unwitting animal will gain the ability to speak. It will revere you as a god, but you will never meet it. At least, I hope not.
Pisces: Eating a sticker seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but what you didn’t foresee is that the adhesive would bind to the roof of your mouth. Please let me know if you’re okay.
During my freshman year, I was wandering the halls of my native Sutherland and found something odd in the stairwell: a locked door at the end of a set of stairs going up from floor 8. “But how?” I thought. “The building only has 8 floors, that we know of.” So I decided to sneak find an alternative entrance up to the floor and here’s what I found:
A parking lot
A swimming pool
The genetic code for clones of more pre-med students from outside Philly
Patrick Gallagher’s heating lamp
An elevator to hell
The end of the song “American Pie”
A secret stash of Natty Light
A Mario pipe, probably also to hell
All the Starship robots
Your grandparents’ tapes from when Pitt football was good
The ‘butthole cut’ of Cats
The Port Authority bus that fell in a sinkhole last year
You wake up. It was all a dream. The coronavirus, the Trump presidency, the imminent environmental apocalypse, all of it. You sit up and rub your eyes, which are grapes. Your fingers are plump little bananas. It’s another fruity spring day of your freshfruit year at the University of Cherry Pitsburgh.
You check the clementime on your phoneydew. It’s late. You jump out of bedfruit and go to brush your teeth (which are snowberries) with jelly, or whatever the toothpaste equivalent is in your fruit-themed world. You’re meeting up with your old fruit school friend Jackfruit for the first clementime this semester, and you don’t want to be late. Finally, someone to wine to about how depressed (as in a wine press) and lonely you feel.
You head to the lawn below the Cathedral of Pearning and wait on a bench plum for your friend. To your annoyance, you have to wait for several persimminutes before Jackfruit arrives. Finally, you see him walking past the Thomas E. Star-Fruit statue.
“Hey Jackfruit, how’s it hanging?” you ask politely in the customary way that fruits greet each other.
“Grape!” he says, more enthusiastically than you had hoped. You had expected him to have a similar calabur of general meloncholy to yours. His fruity play on the word ‘great’ took you by surprise, and not in a good way.
“Why’s that?” you ask, your voice close to betraying your cavendisinterest.
“I went on a date!” says Jackfruit, his pearly snowberries showing a wide, banana-shaped smile.
“Do you remember Melonie?”
Of course, you remember Melonie. In your despearate attempts to find friendly fruits last semester you went to some lemon’s party at Carnegie Melon. There you met Melonie, whom you introduced to Jackfruit. You thought you had a fine fruitship with her, but your cornuspondence* had grown berry slow of late. Now, you suppose, you know why.
But you just say, “Yes.”
“Well,” says Jackfruit, “we’ve been hanging out (as fruits do) for a while now and I think we make a really good pear.”
“Good to pear,” you say after a short pawpause.
“Pear, you know, like hear. Maybe it’s better when read in text than when spoken aloud,” you hope that to be the case, but you also know it might have just been a bad joke. But it was easy. Low hanging fruit, so to speak.
“Ah okay. Well, I have to prune off, I’m afraid. Melonie will be raisin hell if I don’t get to lunch to watch her eat her fruit salad.”
“No, yeah, that’s fine. I have to call my cran-ma and grand-papaya anyways,” you lie, having no intention to call your elderberries.
You watch the mango. You know in the peach pit of your stomach that this is the last clementime you’ll see him for a long while. You wish you would have said, “Orange you glad I introduced you two?” or “Please hang out with me more, Jackfruit, I’m cripplingly lonely,” but your wit was not quick enough.
You sigh and reflect on it all. You started the day with two friends, or so you thought, and ended with zero. Maybe you should’ve never introduced Melonie and Jackfruit. Maybe you should’ve just tried harder. You really did give it your best, but it seems that others have harvested the fruits of your labor. And what are you left with when it’s all said and done? Kumsquat!
*Important note: this is not, in fact a pun on the word ‘corn’ but rather a pun on the word ‘cornus’, a genus of fruit-bearing trees. Corn is not a fruit, so that wouldn’t work. Now that I’ve explained the joke, it’s hilarious, right?
By the writers of the Pittiful News;original email: corrections made in bold
Dear my little sources of income– I mean– Pitt students,
Today, the University (and by university I mean me, like who else is sending these emails?) announced that the Pittsburgh campus plans to move out but still see the kids on weekends from the Elevator Risk to the Gwuarded Wrist Posture, on Monday, Oct. 34, assuming that there are no significant changes in weather conditions. It’s Pittsburgh. In October. Say goodbye to the sun for a while, seriously. Moving to theGuardians of The Galaxy Risk Posture offers us new flexibility, (in more ways than one-we can do the splits now!) and it is the direct result of irresponsible little shits’ behavior and compliance with health and safety guidelines. You have earned this by working together as a community! I’m talking to you, freshman who gather at Flagstaff in groups of 100+ every weekend, this is because of you! I feel even less bad this year for retroactively raising your tuition by $30K. Hell may be hot, but I love a tropical climate.
What will this change mean for you and your body?
(For more guidance, please reference that American Girl Doll puberty book, available at Hillman Library)
Please note that these changes do NOT begin until Monday, Oct. 34. Gwuarded uwu Risk also does not mean that we are returning to a pre-pandemic way of operating and physically, mentally, or sexually engaging with each other (exceptions may be made sexually). We’re still not back to normal, I don’t think I can ever feel normal again. Especially not after the bad trip I had last night with the Provost. I also want to emphasize that you will still need to wear your Axe body spray, follow physical lifting guidelines and practice good genital hygiene. Stay sexy, you dirty dogs!
Instructors may begin to offer more parts of themselves to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Fall in love with someone who doesn’t care, lose themselves in the moment as well as in-person instruction in most classes. Students still have the choice to attend class remotely if they preferto watch soft porn in bed while having “technical difficulties.” Watch for more communication from your instructors about specific changes to sexual satisfaction.
We will offer bone-in options at select on-cam-pussyboning centers, with limited glory holes and specific health and safety guidelines. Please pay attention to and personally thank all signage in the boning facilities. Additional details will be provided whenever I goddamn please, fuckhead.
Students should continue to be held in my warm, loving arms. However, student organizations will be eligible to host in-cahoots events, with a limited number of nerds and if their club is cool (greek life people if ur reading this can I come to the next party? lol). Students will still be required to wear proper undergarments, physically distance and practice good handjobs at these events.
At this time, the guest policy in the residence halls will not change. You are still limited to 4 prostitutes per academic term (note: staff members are an exception to this rule).
Time Travel guidelines for student organizations will not change. Please limit your personal time travel. If you do time travel, please quarantine for 14 years after traveling. You will need to remain on-campus and will have to continue paying for your housing.
Student Affairs with staff members will continue to destroy families virtually.
The meal plans will remain shitty and not what you signed up for. Enjoy your $150 dolling diners, dumbass.
Student spaces and some offices in the William Pitt Union the Elder may begin to offer in-person hours, with unlimited capacity, we are breaking the laws of physics to make sure you get COVID. We will share more details about these plans next week.
The Gwuarded Risk Posture still requires to be loved by someone as much as she loves them, is that too much to ask for? and our responsible behavior. Each of us needs to continue to do our part to safeguard the stash of weed in the mouth of the panther statue. If that gets stolen again, I can and will cry. I want to remind you, too ;), that the rest of the term still offers us some spicy challenges. Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s a great time to experiment with your budding sexuality, become a goblin, relax and rawdog—but Halloween 2020 isn’t going to be “normal, or fun,” either. We expect that you will follow Pitt’s fun and fresh guidelines on Halloween, too. Enjoy being miserable you fuckers, I had my four years of college halloweekends. (They were mf awesome btw). Shout out the homies in Pike!
In addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, shifting realities to Hogwarts like all the youths on TikTok and maintaining our emotionally Gwuarded Mindset Risk Posture—with new privileges and equality for all walks of life, comrades unite! and opportunities—is contingent upon our community suckling at the teat of Pitt’s health and safety guidelines, low Rice Purity scores and other county and city factors. If positive cases of chlamydia go up or compliance with paying for my new Teslavia your tuition goes down, then we will remain at or return to an Elevator or Wet ‘n’ Wild Posture quickly; I won’t hesitate, bitch.
Let’s continue to show the world the ööPower ofööPitt! I will check in with you, face to face, body to body, mouth to mouth, next week with more intimate details about our shift to the Gwuarded Risk posture. Until then, remember to take some shots so you don’t look like a loser this weekend, call Student Health Institution for Testing (SHIT) if you have STD symptoms or do not feel sick af (724-359-4394) and turn up!
The facts don’t care about your feelings,
Kenyon Renyon Boner
Rice Provost and Dean’s Milk of Students
If you or a loved one has been affected by the Coronavirus, you may be entitled to compensation! Not from us though, hand over that housing deposit, lol.
As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).
Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars. Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.
If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.
In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day
Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.
Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age
Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips
Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov
Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)
Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay.
Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.
Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.
Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided
Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut. You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball. Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?
Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club
Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life.
Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.
Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind
Greek life: not enough spray tan.
Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(
Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person.
Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic
The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings
The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him
Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.
Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish
Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.
Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance
Business Club: You’re not a business student?
Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24
French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you
Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.
Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised
Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join.
Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump
Pitt Amnesia: What club?
Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65
Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT
Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.
Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”
Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.
Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all
Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.
Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol.
Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.
Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5
Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie
Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?
Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show
American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway
JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art
Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right
PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.
Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship
Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.
Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior
Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant
Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards?
Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten
Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.
Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm
Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA
Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.
Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you?
Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(
The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?
Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.
Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream
Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud
Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant.
Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.
PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.
Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.
Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story.
Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.
Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*
Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club
USITT: u stand.
UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”
Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety.
PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers”
When I decided to come to Pitt during the winter of my senior year, I had one factor that made the decision easy: Pittsburgh is 9 hours away from my hometown in rural New York, making it the furthest college on my list. So, after I got my acceptance, the choice was already made. I figured that by moving far out of my farmtown bubble, I would make some lasting memories and friends in a new and exciting city. Then, COVID happened, removing many aspects of a typical college experience. But still, my hopes were high when I pulled up to move-in day this August.
I met my roommate and we immediately became friends; I could not have been luckier in that respect. However, the social scene at Pitt is definitely leaving much to be desired at the moment, and I found myself feeling more homesick than I could have anticipated. And if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you might be feeling the same way. And to you, I give you one piece of wisdom: people let you down. Buildings never will. Without further delay, I present: the emotional support building(ESB).
The ESB will serve as a little slice of paradise in the midst of whatever chaos your new environment brings. No matter how hectic or gloomy your day, you can count on your ESB because it is only a couple of blocks away. There, you can make yourself at home, and the longing for a move back to your cow town will disappear completely. There is one structure that is taken, however: the Forbes Ave Dunkin Donuts. I have dibs, and dibs are law. Let me share a bit about how my life has changed since establishing my very own ESB.
In the dark ages of mid-August, when I was still a Starbucks drinker, I felt the need to call my hometown friends on a daily basis. Now, with my very own Dunkin Donuts to call home, I no longer count down the days until I see them again. In fact, I’ve become something of an asshole; I cannot respond to a text to save my life now that I have a large iced pumpkin swirl with almond milk in each hand. I make my trip to the Forbes Ave Dunkin on most mornings before my earliest class, ordering on the mobile app prior to my arrival. And now, you may ask, “Sarah, why would you purposefully order online when lack of human interaction was what drew you to need an ESB in the first place?” And to that I say, once you’ve felt the love of a chain fast food joint, people only serve as disappointment. That is to say that the joy you gain from finding your own ESB comes not from the people within the structure, but from the structure itself. I may never speak to another person again.
As I sit here writing this from my seat in the dining area of my Emotional Support Building, I begin to wonder why I wasted the first 18 years of life interacting with non-building entities. You see, people lie, cheat, and commit heinous acts. Not buildings, though. Never buildings. If you need a sign, this is it: quit people, find your ESB today. You’ll never look back.
Upper campus. The culture there is just so different. Like they like to brag about being up there and all and then complain about having to actually GO back up there.
Downtown. I know this doesn’t sound very fun or like you’ll get any new experiences, but just sit on any street, preferably on the ground, and ask people random questions to see how they react. Something like “Would you like to speak about our Lord?” or “You need drugs?” The people are completely different in this strange world.
Back home. It already sounds like they don’t want us here, with them forcing us to literally stay home after our first break, so why not just get a head start and take up some studying there. I’m sure you can figure it out.
The O. If you just sit in it and pretend it’s still there, it’s almost like it never left.
Penn State. It’s like the Little Italy of Little Italy. They even have their own kind of gelato, but they call it “ice cream”. And Pizza. Very cultural.
Just Outside of Philly.
The dean’s office. I’m sure Kenyon won’t mind. Just make sure you bring a sacrifice.
Kennywood. They literally close tomorrow.
The Pete. A socially distanced man gives you chicken through a window up there. Plus I hear exercise can improve memory and focus. Get moving.