By the writers of The Pittiful News

1. Alexander the Great: see library of Alexandria for details
2. The “squish” lady’s husband from Chicago: he did run into that knife, he ran into it TEN TIMES 
3. Becky from Poli-Sci: obviously
4. [REDACTED]: [REDACTED]
5. Susan from the back of the line at Costco: she took the last can of Lysol
6. The old design of Sonic the Hedgehog™: why he got human teeth though
7. The farmer from The Untitled Goose Game: he makes me have a tewwible-howwible-no-good-vewy-bad day
8. Regina George: she is in my burn book
9. Pittiful News Writer #7
10. French dressing: it’s just so bad
11. Susan from pilates: she is just too bendy and always shows it off
12. Scrappy Doo: looking at him ignites my fight instinct
13. Brutus
14. Mamma Mia: here we go again, she’s been broken-hearted anyway
15. Susan from book club who’s slightly racist