By the writers of The Pittiful News
- Alexander the Great: see library of Alexandria for details
- The âsquishâ ladyâs husband from Chicago: he did run into that knife, he ran into it TEN TIMESÂ
- Becky from Poli-Sci: obviously
- [REDACTED]: [REDACTED]
- Susan from the back of the line at Costco: she took the last can of Lysol
- The old design of Sonic the Hedgehogâ˘: why he got human teeth though
- The farmer from The Untitled Goose Game: he makes me have a tewwible-howwible-no-good-vewy-bad day
- Regina George: she is in my burn book
- Pittiful News Writer #7
- French dressing: itâs just so bad
- Susan from pilates: she is just too bendy and always shows it off
- Scrappy Doo: looking at him ignites my fight instinct
- Brutus
- Mamma Mia: here we go again, sheâs been broken-hearted anyway
- Susan from book club whoâs slightly racist