Trump Hires Professional Nanny for Himself

screen-shot-2017-01-11-at-1-24-16-amBy Michael Calhoun

In an altogether unprecedented moment of self-awareness, president-elect Trump has announced his placement as Carol Brukensting as his first white house staff member, as the president’s own personal nanny. “I know my limitations. I’ve been focusing so much time and energy on this campaign that my body has begun to forget how to properly function on a basic level, so I hired Carol.”

Miss Brukensting has been a nanny for 30 years, but considers this to be her most presidential role yet. “I’ve never nannied for anyone above 13 years-old before, and I have to say I was nervous. But after meeting with the man and interviewing him, following him around to see what he needs, it turns out that he basically functions exactly the same as a 6 month old child on a physical level. I change his diapers, burp him when he gets cranky, put him in his bouncy chair when he gets too upset. The hardest part is cleaning up his face after he spreads his mac and cheese all over it. He thrashes around so violently he nearly falls over in his high chair.” Continue reading

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“Nasty Woman” And 6 Other Donald Trump Phrases to Use in Interviews

By Shannon Kelly

“Please describe yourself.” It’s one of the first things employers ask in an interview, but how to do you convey all of who you are in mere words? Let’s take note from Donald himself.Image result for donald trump stupid smug face


  1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Perfect if you’re applying to any retail position! They want to know you have limits, and regular people can push them.
  2. “A very good brain.” Business professionals take note! This business-man didn’t get to the position he’s in by not just coming right out and saying how smart he is.
  3. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” This is the most obvious one. Get it out of the way as early as possible.
  4. “A nasty woman” A classic. You’re Nasty—that’s your brand. Make sure employers know what they’re getting into when they hire you.
  5. “I know Russia well—I had a major event in Russia two or three years ago. Miss Universe contest, which was a big, big incredible event—an incredible success” It’s hard for employers to trust your organizing skills, so tell them upfront your history with foreign beauty pageants.
  6. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful” This phrase is useful if you get the classic “why are you qualified for this position” question.
  7. “I love Hispanics” This one is a great starter; it shows you’re full of compassion. I would actually start with this phrase even if you’re not prompted to. Handshake then “I love Hispanics”

Nation’s Masochists Rally Behind Trump

By Leo Corman
Image result for donald trump angry

As Election Day nears and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump struggles to win the support of many key demographics, one prominent group has continued to back him—masochists. “When most people think of masochists, they only think of physical suffering,” said Alec Pain, a spokesperson for the Society of National Masochists, “But we’re all for emotional suffering too.”
Pain and other masochists feel the same distress and anxiety in response to Trump’s divisive rhetoric as many other Americans—that’s the whole point. “I listen to Trump’s narcissistic, hate-filled speeches, and I’m genuinely worried about the future of our country,” said Pain. “And man, what a rush that is!”
While they agree that Trump is entirely unqualified to become President, most masochists cannot resist the urge to vote for a candidate who will bring them so much pleasure. “Every time I hear him talk about that stupid wall I get a little tingling sensation,” admitted David Ouchy, another member of the SNM. “If he became President, just imagine all of the offensive gaffes, the foreign policy blunders, the vague promises unfulfilled … I’m already aroused just thinking about it!”

Thus while most Americans contemplate November 8th with dread, a few might truly be excited by the results.

An Open(ed) Letter to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

By I. S. Mills

The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.
Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.
Hi Deb,
I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!
I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺
I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.
With love,
Allison

Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.

Op/Ed: People I Would Elect Before Donald Trump

By Dan Smith

Image result for hillary clinton and bernie sanders

-Bernie Sanders
-Hillary Clinton
-Elizabeth Warren
-Michelle Obama
-Stephen Colbert
-John Stewart
-Lil B
-John Green
-Kanye West
-Ophelia from Market Central
-Chance the Rapper
-My mom
-Emma Watson
-Vermin Supreme
-Oprah
-Ellen Degeneres
-Leslie Knope
-The hacker from Cyberchase
-Finn the Human
-Alex Trebek
-Literally any cat
-Joe Biden
-Roc the Panther
-Lincoln Chafee
-Jimmy McMillan
-Hulk Hogan
-Steve Harvey
-The moon emoji
-Billy Ray Cyrus
-Bill Murray -Either of the Sprouse twins -Both of the Sprouse twins -Louis C K -Al Gore -A dead squirrel -Morgan Freeman -Beyoncé -Jaden Smith -Bryan Cranston
-John Cena
-An ant farm

Two ant farms

Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space

By Megan Klein

  

 Pitt Students Ask for Hate Space After Loving Speaker, Yilo Miannopoulos Preaches Equality.

Shouts of protest lauded the William Pitt Assembly room as Yilo Miannopolous, world renowned liberal “love-speaker”, preached messages of egalitarianism. Yilo is known for her work in Africa and the UN as an Equality-Ambassador. Pitt Police expected this event to be semi-chaotic, brought to campus by the student organization Freedom Unity Compassion Kindness Sympathy. This organization is known around campus for creating active and arousing campaigns to be better people.

“They don’t even support Trump,” crooned Ryan Campbell, a junior and avid Conservative activist. “I want to speak my opinion, which is we need to make America great again.” Ryan currently is working on Donald Trump’s campaign, and is an avid Neo-Nazi.

As the night heated up, more students became bothered by the discussion.

“I am outraged they brought this speaker to campus. Why should we treat each other with respect? I think all white males deserve to have their voice heard. We are the minority. We are under-represented on this campus and on this earth,” said fifth-year finance major Josh Williams, before snorting another line of cocaine, and calling his dad to add money to his bank account for alcohol.  “We need a hate space so I can speak my truths.”

Students began to leave, and petition the Student Government Board for agreeing to aid in the funding of this speaker. Many brought signs to hold up during the speech, some of which read:

“I feel unsafe.”
“I have a friend who has everything he needs in life, and he’s still unhappy.”
“Women and children don’t matter.”

Ryan Campbell finished with a bravado as he left the speech to enter the hate space,
“I feel unsafe in the space that calls to action understanding differences in race and culture, and appreciating those differences. I demand cultural appropriation.”

The hate space provides a place for students to promote negative energy and thoughts. Students there started a podcast called “The Hating Hour” where they talk about some of their favorite fascist figures. You can find it somewhere on a dark subpage of reddit.

When Pittiful News reached out to SGB asking why they agreed to fund Miannopolous, they responded with “no comment.”

For more updates, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter: @PittifulNews

Ted Cruz Eats A Whole Tub Of Cottage Cheese Every Day

By Hannah Lynn

According to several reports, GOP presidential candidate and current Texas senator Ted Cruz eats an entire tub of cottage cheese everyday for breakfast. While initially seen as a simple quirk, it evolved into something more sinister.

Jebidiah Turner, an aide on the Cruz campaign trail, noticed the senator’s habits but didn’t think much of it. “The first time I saw him do it I thought, ‘Man, this guy sure like his cottage cheese! Nothin’ wrong with that. Nothin’ wrong with some [gagging sound] curdled cheese,” Turner said. But as time wore on, it became clear that this was more than just a cute Cruz quirk. “By the ninth time I saw this man slurping that [gagging sound] curd, I knew that there was a deep problem.”

Cottage cheese is a “soft, lumpy white cheese made from the [gagging] curds of slightly soured milk.” It is made by coagulating the milk until it [gag] curdles.

“Can I say that it didn’t nauseate me at first? No I can’t. Of course seeing that saggy-faced loser slurp down lumpy sour cheese horrified me to my core,” said Horace Cartwell, Cruz’s top advisor. “But this is a free country, and the GOP firmly believes in not interfering with individual rights, no matter how offensive they may be.”

According to Turner, Cruz’s wife Heidi has suggested on numerous occasions that her husband ease up on the cottage cheese, because it was taking up too much time and money. However according to Cartwell, they’re in on it together. “Heidi is his biggest, and often only, supporter in all endeavors, including cottage cheese. In fact it’s how they met! I know for a fact that if he loses this election, they’re leaving politics and opening up their own business: Cruz Curds [full on vomiting].”

Remarkably, Ted Cruz could be reached for comment, but when his assistant asked if it was okay if he ate his breakfast during the interview, threw the phone at the wall.