Hail to Pigeon!: Fan Favorite Homecoming Pigeon Offered Pitt Football Scholarship

By Isaac Przybysz

pigeon

On October 26th, Pitt football squared off against Miami to cap off Homecoming Week, ultimately losing 16-12. However, the show was stolen by a certain pigeon that sat on the field and calmly went about its business as 22 three-hundred pound men threw a ball around and hit each other in its vicinity, much to the delight of the student section and ESPN cameramen. 

In light of the pigeon’s rise to Pitt stardom, the football program has decided to offer the bird a scholarship to play. Coach Pat Narduzzi liked what he saw from the pigeon.

“He’s a real tough player, that pigeon,” said Narduzzi. “Look how calm and composed he is in the heat of the game. He’s got the fundamentals. I’m impressed with his battle and grit on the field. Knows how to find the endzone, which he did more times than our entire team did on Saturday. He’s exactly the kind of player we want here, and of course we want to get a jump on recruiting. Can’t afford to lose star recruits to that other school in the center of the state.”

The student body is already overjoyed at this recruitment. Many students have already pre-ordered jerseys and t-shirts. Others have debated over nicknames for the pigeon, with the front runners appearing to be “Kenny Pigeon” and “Paris Bird”. Some students have even gone so far as to propose changing the school mascot to a pigeon.

“Panthers are old news, man. When have you seen one here anyway? Pittsburgh Pigeons has a pretty nice ring to it,” one excited student said. 

The excitement of the pigeon’s recruitment has stretched beyond campus and has shaken up the college football world as we know it. Upon the pigeon being added to Pitt’s roster, a CFP spokesperson has said that Pitt’s previous losses to Virginia, Miami, and Pitt Rejects are all “quality losses” that are “not indicative of Pitt’s current talent.” As a result, the CFP has decided to cancel ranks 2 through 25 entirely and place Pitt in the National Championship against Alabama.

The pigeon is clearly already a Pitt legend, surpassing the mediocre crop of Pitt alumni that includes busts such as Dan Marino and Larry Fitzgerald. The pigeon is a legend not just at Pitt, but in the sport of football.

Pitt Football Makes Strides

By John Garry
In light of yet another disappointing performance, many among the Pitt student body are in despair. After suffering through a season in which performances cycled from meaningless (62-0 thrashing of Sister Mary’s School for the Blind the University of Delaware) to dismal (NCAA record 5 turnovers in the first half amidst a 46-0 ass-whooping from Georgia Tech) to heartbreaking (double-overtime loss to Duke with a missed field goal), many Panther supporters lost faith in humanity once again while watching Pitt give up 293 yards and 29 points in the fourth quarter of the Armed Forces Bowl against the University of Houston.

As bleak as things may seem around Oakland, there is yet hope.  Hard-hitting computational analysis proves that the Pitt football team is actually making strides, and quite a few of them.  According to my notepad filled with tally marks, the Panthers made about 67,000 strides during the Armed Forces Bowl.
Alan Bundy, Head Defensive Coordinator for the University of Austin Badgers, was among those in attendance at the game.  “The defense in that last quarter was atrocious.  Miscommunication seemed to be everywhere, and blown coverages and missed assignments cost [the Panthers] the game,” said Bundy.  “But boy,” he added, “I’ll tell you what, those strides were textbook.”
Researchers at the UCLA Beedner School of Sports Science agree.  “We have created a computational model, called our Pittsburgh Optimized Running Network (P.O.R.N.) Database, to analyze just how good those Pitt Panthers are at striding.  We were blown away by the results.  After countless hours reviewing and closely examining our P.O.R.N. Database, we have come to the conclusion that Pitt might just be the best striding team in the country.  Sure, they are not terrific at tackling and they could use a hand in grabbing the loose balls during onside kicks, but they finish second to none in striding.”

While South O might not erupt with excitement or optimism at the thought of the fourth new head coach in four years, they can at the very least take heart that their boys on the field are making strides.