Hail to Pigeon!: Fan Favorite Homecoming Pigeon Offered Pitt Football Scholarship

By Isaac Przybysz

pigeon

On October 26th, Pitt football squared off against Miami to cap off Homecoming Week, ultimately losing 16-12. However, the show was stolen by a certain pigeon that sat on the field and calmly went about its business as 22 three-hundred pound men threw a ball around and hit each other in its vicinity, much to the delight of the student section and ESPN cameramen. 

In light of the pigeon’s rise to Pitt stardom, the football program has decided to offer the bird a scholarship to play. Coach Pat Narduzzi liked what he saw from the pigeon.

“He’s a real tough player, that pigeon,” said Narduzzi. “Look how calm and composed he is in the heat of the game. He’s got the fundamentals. I’m impressed with his battle and grit on the field. Knows how to find the endzone, which he did more times than our entire team did on Saturday. He’s exactly the kind of player we want here, and of course we want to get a jump on recruiting. Can’t afford to lose star recruits to that other school in the center of the state.”

The student body is already overjoyed at this recruitment. Many students have already pre-ordered jerseys and t-shirts. Others have debated over nicknames for the pigeon, with the front runners appearing to be “Kenny Pigeon” and “Paris Bird”. Some students have even gone so far as to propose changing the school mascot to a pigeon.

“Panthers are old news, man. When have you seen one here anyway? Pittsburgh Pigeons has a pretty nice ring to it,” one excited student said. 

The excitement of the pigeon’s recruitment has stretched beyond campus and has shaken up the college football world as we know it. Upon the pigeon being added to Pitt’s roster, a CFP spokesperson has said that Pitt’s previous losses to Virginia, Miami, and Pitt Rejects are all “quality losses” that are “not indicative of Pitt’s current talent.” As a result, the CFP has decided to cancel ranks 2 through 25 entirely and place Pitt in the National Championship against Alabama.

The pigeon is clearly already a Pitt legend, surpassing the mediocre crop of Pitt alumni that includes busts such as Dan Marino and Larry Fitzgerald. The pigeon is a legend not just at Pitt, but in the sport of football.

How Do Animals Have Sex?

By Phil Forrence

http://www.newportaquarium.com/~/media/ParkContent/NAQ_COM/Gallery/Alligators/Alligator.ashx

The animal kingdom offers many diverse forms of copulation. For instance, male elephants use five foot long penises to deliver Saharan seed to their female counterparts. The female praying mantis will devour her male booty call, starting with his brain, mid-conjugal visit and usually before he has completed his carnal embrace. The bio-research team at the Pittiful News has been working for months tracking the mysteries of coitus in other species. Here are their findings:

Pigeons– Male pigeons have a low libido 364 days out of the year. Virtually no fertilization takes place in this time. However, every Martin Luther King Jr. Day, all mature male pigeons swell to twice their size and spray pigeon semen lawn-sprinkler style all over the city. This horribly inefficient pro-creative method has a .1% success rate.

Alligators– Female alligators will set up Burmese Tiger traps near swamps. Male gators will notice these traps and check them for delicious trapped Burmese tigers. When this occurs, females will sneak up and push the unsuspecting males into the traps. Then they will have horrendously inconceivable gator sex that can last up to thirteen hours and caused at least three researchers to vomit.  

Mice– Mice fuck constantly. No one really knows how.

Polar Bears– Male polar bears find small bear-sized pieces of ice to float on. They set up camp and ship off drifting through the desolate ocean in hopes of finding a lady-bear drifting on her own bear-sized ice piece. When this occurs the bears then mount and counter mount each other with alternate thrusts to keep their newly formed zygotes safe from the toxic environment

Bugs– As we all remember from grade school bug class, bugs are born with inferiority complexes. Bugs have no standards and will perform sexual acts for what seems like no reason. Low self-esteem causes bugs to be constantly horny. ‘Buzzing’ is bugs humping the air hoping other bugs will like them more.

The animal kingdom is an astonishing place full of astonishing sexual acts. If you want more information, visit your local library or ask your parents during a particularly upbeat dinner conversation.