Pitt Chancellor Shedding His Skin and Leaving It All Over the Place

By Hannah Lynn
 
Although it has been over a year since the announcement that Patrick Gallagator would take the reigns as chancellor after previous chancellor Mark Nordenberg’s departure, he wasn’t formally installed until February. And yet already, he has become a burden. Gallagator, widely known to be a Lizard Person, has been shedding large amounts of his scaly skin all over campus.

“I was just walking around the Cathedral, minding my own business, when I tripped over something,” said Junior Roman Morris. “It wasn’t till I looked up from my phone that I saw this like, huge reptile skin. Only it wasn’t in the shape of a snake it was in the shape of a man!”

That man is Patrick Gallagator, known Lizard Person.
But Morris isn’t the only one to come across this pile of discarded lizard flesh; there have been reports of it being found in the Henry Heymann theater, next to the Taco Bell in William Pitt Union, and even dangling off part of the roof of the Cathedral of Learning.

This particular skin was found by maintenance worker Leo Crabapple. “I was just sweeping the grounds when I looked up and saw it hanging down. I have no idea how he got up there,” said Crabapple. “That is one spry motherfucker.”

Most of Gallagator’s sheddings occur in or around the Cathedral, as he dwells in the dungeon beneath it. However, there has never been a verified sighting of him in his full lizard form, as Lizard People are famously impossible to photograph. However, there are several reports that every morning, Gallagator slithers out of his home to get his mail, which is delivered by a young ferret carrying a scroll in its mouth.

Gallagator did not respond for comment on his skin shedding habits.

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Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl
The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.
Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.
“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.
“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse.  “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong?  Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”
The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar.  Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:
“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that.  Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester.  When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know?  It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”

Real-life Monster Lurks Around Pitt Campus

By Hannah Lynn

Last Monday started out like any other for sophomore Stanley Hudson until he saw a shadow lurking in the corner of the Cathedral basement. “I didn’t know what it was,” Hudson said. “I went to follow it down the hall because it didn’t look human, but when I turned the corner all I saw was a tail disappearing through the door.”

Earlier this year, upon the arrival of the new chancellor Patrick Gallagher, The Pittiful News reported the 100% true story that Mr. Gallagher is in fact a lizard person. What Hudson saw was not a lizard, not a man, but THE GALLAGATOR.


Several students have reported strange sightings like Hudson’s, but have brushed them off as casual hallucinations. However, their eyes are not playing tricks on them; the Gallagator is the truth.

When asked if the University of Pittsburgh Chancellor was actually a lizard man living in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning basement, an old man on the street hissed and spat onto the pavement.

Though halloween has passed, be wary of any mysterious shadows or figures. It could be nothing. It could be your mom. Or it just might be…the Gallagator.

Pitt Names New Chancellor

By Hannah Lynn
 
On Feb. 8, the University of Pittsburgh announced its next chancellor would be Patrick D. Gallagher. This is following the announcement last year that after almost 20 years, current chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg would be stepping down after the 2013-14 school year.

Mr. Gallagher currently serves as deputy secretary of the U.S. Department of Commerce and is also the director of the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST). Mr. Gallagher a PhD in physics from Pitt, and it is his only connection to the university. Although he lacks any experience whatsoever in managing education of any kind, the chancellor search committee believes he is the best fit.

Students lovingly refer to the current chancellor as “Nordy,” but chancellor-elect Gallagher has stated that he does not wish to be called “Galley.” This is perfectly understandable; he probably doesn’t want to constantly be referred to as an old-timey ship. But this won’t be a problem as there is a much more fitting name to be bestowed upon Pitt’s newest leader.



While the school has been very secretive about it, there is no denying that Mr. Gallagher is part lizard. Due to this fact that is 100% true, the new chancellor shall be referred to as “Gallagator” from now until the end of time/lizard coup.

He got his undergraduate degree from Benedictine College, which is widely known to be a college exclusively for lizard people. When asked about whether the Gallagator’s lizardy ways will affect his ability to run a large university, all of the search committee members slowly backed away until they were out of the room.

It is still unclear whether the Gallagator will reside in a normal human residence, or in some sort of dark, damp area, perhaps beneath the Cathedral of Learning.

Gallagator lives with his wife and their three sons in Brookeville, Md.