How the writers of the Pittiful News spent their MLK day

By the writers of the Pittiful news

Monday January 18, 2021 is MLK Day, a Day of Service ...
  • I went to therapy. 
  • I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
  • I brushed some teeth.  Not mine but we’ll get there eventually. 
  • I got to third base with my cat.
    • That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
  • I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
  • I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.   
  • I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate. 
  • I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
  • I blocked my aunt on Facebook
  • I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
  • I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
  • I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
  • My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
  • I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge. 
  • I had a gay thought.
  • I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
  • I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016. 
  • Admired a banana sticker
  • I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty. 
  • I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
  • I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables.  Right as we were making plans, too.  How sad!
  • Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
  • I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create.  Now I know you can make boards private.  You live and you learn.
  • I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
  • Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.  
  • Slept in.
  • Watched the Inauguration.
  • Kidnapped several children.
  • I watched this video.
  • I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year. 
  • Committing various war crimes 
  • Got shot while standing on a balcony  

Flo Rida is the Man

By Lord Tyler and Sarah

Flo Rida sued for not paying child support | Page Six

Flo Rida has gotten away with many crimes at this point. We here at the Pittiful news need to set the record straight. Here is just a taste of what he has done:

  • Entered a convenience store with an alligator and bought 3 kegs 
  • Botched a castration on another man he met on a Eunuch fetish website
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-shaped ecstasy pills
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-sized explosive devices
  • Was caught with a handful of Trump-freakish-baby-hand-sized little sticky hands that you fling at the wall
  • Bit a “couple” of toddlers “dozens” of times 
  • Evacuated a walmart after he was caught crawling through the ceiling
  • Committed domestic battery with a thin crust Domino’s pizza
  • Gave an “Aggressive Wet Willy” 
  • Stole 11k votes in tomorrow’s Georgia runoff senate race  
  • Broke into a home and made himself and the homeowners brunch 
  • Attacked a passerby with a sword over a bag of trash 
  • Helped Bush beat Gore by piling raccoons in trenchcoats and having them vote 
  • Burglarized cars while wearing only a hat and a bra
  • Held an entire theater of moviegoers hostage and forced them to watch an entire box set of M*A*S*H* 
  • Hit a McDonald’s worker with his VW Bug for “taking too long” 
  • Purchased a VW Bug
  • Changed his name from Tramar Lacel Dillard 
  • Lingered after a hug for a bit too long 
  • Put the Kraft cheese powder into the still-cooking pot of boiling elbow noodles, failing to drain the box-recommended 6 cups of water beforehand 
  • Dressed as spiderman and power washed roofs   
  • Assaulted a man with ketchup  
  • Played basketball naked, claiming it would improve his skill level
  • Crashed into a cop car while riding a lawnmower with a blood alcohol level of .3
  • Had too many pet rocks
  • Stabbed a man while wearing a bunny costume 

What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

By Savannah Teman

177 Completely WTF Stock Photos You Won't Be Able To Unsee | Bored Panda

Your zodiac sign can say a lot about your personality, including what nasty holiday staple you resonate with.

  • Capricorn – Jello Salad: The dessert your grandma brings out and it just looks like jello but you cut it open and there’s vegetables and mayonnaise in it, but the lime green jello and the whipped cream kinda make it better.
  • Aquarius – SPAM Stuffing: You kinda don’t know what’s in it and it’s just a mess of everything your mom had leftover, but somehow always tastes pretty good anyways.
  • Pisces – Green Bean Casserole: You take some every year just because it’s there and you think you’ll want it, but you eat two bites and then eat everything else instead. Usually someone else offers you a scoop of it.
  • Aries – Cranberry Sauce *with Pulp*: It’s actually so good but nobody likes it, especially because it has actual cranberry chunks in it. Too tart to be dessert but too sweet to be dinner. Never fails to be at the table.
  • Taurus – Flake Mashed Potatoes: They come from a box instead of handmade. You wish you liked them but they just don’t feel right, but you can tolerate it with some gravy
  • Gemini – Mincemeat Pie: Is actually a dessert?? Sounds good but there’s BEEF in it! But sometimes there isn’t beef in it and it actually sounds kinda good.
  • Cancer – Eggnog: tasty but it’s more just like eggy spiced milk.
  • Leo – Kielbasa with Sauerkraut: Literally my favorite but nobody else likes it. Hard to find good kielbasa. Sauerkraut is good shut up. Leave me alone.
  • Virgo – Canned Corn: doesn’t really do anything wrong. Very reliable. But also it’s from a can in a pool of corn water. Kinda gross when you think about it, but I still love it.
  • Libra – Potatoes Au Gratin aka Scalloped Potatoes: Potatoes can’t do wrong, but they’re particularly slimy here. They just kinda do what they want. You can’t control them.
  • Scorpio – Fruit Cake: Sounds lovely. I think it would taste good but I have no clue because I’ve never had it. Candied fruit is good. I want to enjoy it.
  • Sagittarius – Corned Beef with Cabbage: actually nasty sorry. Just kinda random, like CORNED beef??? And cabbage? Why this combo and who decided it was a holiday staple. Just eat normal beef please. Spare us.

The hottest new sports for the next chilly winter Olympics

By the writers of the Pittiful news

The 2018 Winter Olympics Cyberattack Was Almost Expected

You know what, at the Pittiful News, we’re bored of the existing lineup of winter sports. They’re so last season. You can only watch a petite Russian girl perfect a triple lutz so many times before you start fantasizing of bigger and better sporting events. Here are a few suggestions we have for the Olympic Committee for the next Olympic winter games:

  • Frozen chicken: this one is winner-take-all.  Players scatter atop a freshly frozen pond and flee as the ground beneath them begins to crack.  The winner is determined when the last one on the ice falls through and dies with some bragging rights
  • Snowball showdown: snowball fight but the snowballs have razor blades within their ranks 
  • Ice Fishing to the Death: It’s Battleship meets ice fishing.  Two teams gather on opposite sides of a frozen body of water and begin to extract fish from the still non-frozen water below.  They will then begin to throw the fish onto the other team’s side until the weight of the losing team and the winning fish causes the ice to break, sending the losers to a chilly and comical end 
  • Speed-glasses-defogging: competitors race to try and defog their glasses while wearing a mask outside in the cold so that they can complete an eye exam. Gold goes to the olympian closest to a 2020 vision range. 
  • Extreme biathlon: it’s like the regular biathlon except when you shoot, the targets are your fellow olympians. Gold goes to the last living skier.   
  • Holiday tradition swapping: Players attempt to do a tradition from another culture  
  • Bumper-tobogganing: as you race down the hill, you score points based on how many times you bump into your fellow tobogganers.   
  • Snowshoe tap dancing: tap dancing with snowshoes 
  • Figure Skating Duels: Regular figure skating, but the skaters also have skates on their hands to slice at the opponent with. Last one breathing wins.
  • Olympic snowman-building: competitors have a fixed amount of time to build the sexiest snowman. 
  • Olympic snowman-melting: competitors must destroy the previous event’s snowmen in the fastest amount of time
  • Hot Dog Eating but it’s in the cold 
  • Knife throwing using icicles
  • Ice Football: Playing American football, but on ice, with skates on 
  • Competitive snow-angel making: Olympians must attempt to recreate biblical depictions of angels while lying on their back in the snow in order to inspire miraculous visions in the panel of judges watching from above without invoking the holy wrath of god. Olympians will be disqualified if their creation goes up in holy flame because it was too accurate to the real thing.  
  • Netflix and chill: hang out with a friend-with-benefits and try to not catch feelings 
  • Hot-Chocolate hands: That game where you slap the back of your foe’s hand until one of you quits but you are actually throwing mugs of scalding hot cocoa (swiss miss no added sugar) at one another 
  • Cross-country skiing but you don’t get to use the stupid sticks. Shuffle like a man.
  • Nativity scene freeze tag
  • The fear chamber from Divergent
  • The Candor truth serum from Divergent 
  • The Train Jump From Divergent
  • Live for a month as an Abnegation citizen from Divergent
  • Spend an hour with 3 people from Erudite from Divergent 
  • Freezing hell over 
  • Ski-Ball
  • Tea bagging idk sounds warm and cozy ask an older sibling
  • Winter Beach Volleyball: medals awarded to the three players who have not yet contracted a cold-related illness (frostbite, hypothermia, etc.). Also, have I mentioned that they must play in their swimsuits in the snow?
  • God confusing: Spin in circles while people shout different names of gods at you, you must yell back what mythology they are from 
  • Thanksgiving leftover eating: eat all of the leftovers from the most recent thanksgiving, most competitors will die from food poisoning 
  • Winter swimming relay race: speed does not matter, competitors must swim back and forth passing a baton for as long as possible, if one member of your team dies, you are eliminated, last team standing wins 

The true fake story of the first Pitt student to get COVID-19

By the writers of The Pittiful News, Original Article

😼

At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly. 

And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):

  • He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
  • He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
  • He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
  • A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
  • He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
  • The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
  • Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
  • He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
  • His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
  • A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
  • Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
  • He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
  • He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
  • A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
  • He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
  • He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
  • He was granted immunity to the common cold.
  • 😼
  • He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
  • Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
  • A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
  • The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
  • Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
  • Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
  • Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
  • The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
  • Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
  • His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
  • But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
  • The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
  • His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
  • His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul.

Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out. 

I Assassinated the President of the United States

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Assassination of Abraham Lincoln - Wikipedia

               Now you may be wondering if I actually assassinated the president. The answer is yes. I assassinated Abraham Lincoln. You may be thinking, no, John Wilkes Booth killed Abraham Lincoln. You would be wrong. John Wilkes Booth is an anagram of my name, Lord Tyler Sikov. I have hidden my true identity for a long time. There are many reasons why. As many of you know, I shot the president in the back of the head and then jumped out of the balcony in Ford’s theater. I did sprain my ankle but I got away and changed into one of the costumes from the play.

               I escaped and I was in the clear until that idiot Garfield got into power. I created a new identity this time, Charles J. Guiteau, a writer and lawyer, also conveniently another anagram for my name.  I saw him at a train station and shot him twice. I disappeared into the crowd and some other guy took the fall for me, as they thought he was me. I then impersonated a doctor and committed medical malpractice to ensure that my job was done well, and the president did not survive. I then went and perjured myself to say that the man they wrongly convicted was actually rightly convicted, that man who was unfortunately caught in the crossfire was sentenced to death.

               I laid low for a little while but then William McKinley was elected. I knew I had to be craftier this time, that I should not approach him with a gun. So, I concealed my gun in a handkerchief. This time the authorities almost caught me but luckily there was another man holding a handkerchief right behind me. The name I chose for this mission was Leon Czolgosz, another anagram. That is the name they attributed to the killer. I took a 62-year nap. By then many people had failed to copy my style. No presidents were assassinated while I was asleep, there were many attempts. I never fail, so those were not my work by any means.

               Once I woke up Kennedy was president. I created a new identity, under the name Lee Harvey Oswald, the semordnilaps of my name, I thought I would go a different direction as anagrams might be getting easier as technology evolves. I had missed killing under a name that was three names long. This one was very fun because people after the fact noted that there were two gunmen, they were right. A man was working in the building, where I planted a number of weapons. In reality there was only one gunman, I work alone. But I needed evidence as the judicial system had advanced during my hibernation period. I did not have to do much cleaning up after this shooting, Jack Ruby took care of my prop Oswald once they made it to jail. Then Ted Cruz’s father killed Ruby, making my job even easier.

               Since then, there have been many more attempts on the lives of presidents, none of which I have been involved in. Ted Cruz, aka the Zodiac Killer, has been keeping a close eye on my activities. Game recognizes game. I have done my best to stay out of his sphere of control. I text with him, the Unabomber, the still living guy from the Boston marathon (that cutie), and all of the alive serial killers, school shooters, and other various Guantanamo bay inmates. When I worked at Nickelodeon, I wrote a few episodes of SpongeBob. I used this to my advantage to send coded messages to my friends who have been less fortunate at their life of crime. The code I used was what our group called ourselves. E.V.I.L. aka Every Villain Is Lemons.

How I’ll Be Spending My Shelter-in-Place

By Sarah Yule 

How to Build the Ultimate Blanket Fort in 2020 | Blanket fort, Sleepover  room, Tent kids room

If you had the sense to mute your Outlook notifications this past Monday, you may have missed the news that we Pitt students are “strongly encouraged” to shelter in place about two weeks prior to going home for Thanksgiving. As can be said for many aspects of this Flex@Pitt dystopia, this recommendation can feel a tad yucky. Who wants to spend the last fourteen days of living under the rule of the benevolent and all-powerful Kenny BonBon and Pitt’s very own Galligator within the four walls of their teeny dwelling? We should be out and about, sowing our wild oats from one dirty South O basement to the next. But alas, we find ourselves here, and I have taken up the task of gifting you some advice on what you can do to make your shelter-in-place less depressing. 

1. For all my freshman, maybe you took the Freshman-15 as an obligatory sprint instead of a lightly suggested marathon. Maybe you, say, blew all of your dining dollars on pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at Market to Go and have resorted to using your debit card these past weeks. Maybe, just maybe, the workers in said Market to Go know you and give you the same sad look when you check out with said Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pint on a near-daily basis. All of this is hypothetical, and I am totally not speaking from experience. So, now is the time to turn it around. Okay, I know, it is not possible nor healthy to embark on a total weight loss overhaul with mere days left in the semester. But, if you get off at the Gain Train’s next stop, you can ensure that this Thanksgiving of comments like “Wow, you really grew up!” is the last of its kind. 

2. Read that book that you told yourself you were going to read. It’s been sitting on your desk as a reminder of your failure to stick to anything and to leave it there would be letting that book win. What’s my shame book, you may ask? It’s a self-help read sent to me by my father following my first tearful phone call home in August when I couldn’t figure out how to get the dryer to start. While the book doesn’t directly deal with the function of laundry apparatuses, I’d assume it must have something useful to offer me. So, I will be delving into that sucker come November 12th. 

3. Call your friends from your hometown and prepare to make all of this shelter-in-placing for naught. You’ve been away from these people for months, so logically that extra week before Thanksgiving has to include a large gathering with half of your graduating class. Sure, it’ll put everyone around you in danger, but a life not lived on the edge is hardly worth living. 

4. Walk (six feet away from all human life forms) around campus and say a quick goodbye to all of your favorite spots. Much to my chagrin, I do have to advise you not to actually kiss the structures you’re bidding adieu to; I love a good building as much as the next guy, but these are unprecedented times, folks. I plan on washing my hands one last time in the definitely-haunted bathroom on the third floor of Cathy. I’ll get my last large iced coffee with almond milk and pumpkin swirl from the Forbes Ave Dunkin. Lastly, I will eat my last order of Sarah’s signature shame lo mein from Schenley Plaza’s Asia Tea House. That goodbye will undoubtedly be the most heartbreaking.

Once you’ve done all of these things, you’ll be perfectly ready to go back to your hometown. I wish you luck, and look forward to seeing you crying as I pass you on your very own farewell tour of Pitt’s campus over the coming weeks.

An Exclusive Interview With the Rats of Lothrop Hall

By Ella Mizera

As a human resident of 190 Lothrop Street, I too often make the mistake of only paying attention to residents of my own species. It’s a species-wide blind spot that I believe stems from a societal impulse to declare ourselves superior to other animals, our level of technology, our height, and (loath though I am to say it) plain old species-ism.

For too long, the Pittiful News has been dominated by the affairs of humans. It’s time to give a voice to our fellow residents who live, work, and play just as we do– yet so often go unnoticed.

These are the rats of Lothrop Hall.

Interviewer (Ella Mizera): Could you please introduce yourself?

Reginald Rattington III: Most certainly, my dear. My name is Reginald Rattington III, freelance omnivore, part-time de facto resident of Lothrop Hall, citizen of the world, statesman, and lover of life. My hobbies include calligraphy, golf, and enjoying the Pittsburgh nightlife, if you know what I mean. 

EM: (cautious) I’m not sure I do.

RR: Rats are nocturnal. It’s– that was a joke.

EM: Oh! Yes. (forced laughter) Anything else you enjoy, Mr. Rattington?

RR: I enjoy long walks on the beach, and my favorite show is the Office.

EM: How–

RR: US version.

EM: … Obviously.

RR: Obviously.

(There is a pause as the interviewer struggles for words.)

EM: So, er, Reginald–

RR: Oh, please do call me Reggie. Reginald was my father. 

EM: Reggie. Let me just say, it’s great to see you again. You’re looking well.

RR: Thank you so much. And thank you for having me, truly. It’s really quite refreshing, you know, to be welcomed with open arms by the University of Pittsburgh’s most popular and engaging paper.

EM: Not a problem.

RR: I mean, it really beats being chased from room to room with a rolled-up magazine right on my tail, scurrying for my life between dorm furniture.

EM: I said I was sorry about that before we started recording.

RR: No hard feelings, darling. The Rattingtons are a sturdy clan. You probably didn’t notice it was me–

EM: No, of course not.

RR: –Perhaps you mistook me for Ralph, or God forbid, Randy.

EM: I’m sorry, who are they?

RR: Whom, Ralph and Randy? Oh, no, don’t put them on the record. Nothing to worry about, not in the slightest. They’re simply my no-good cousins from Towers. 

EM: I see.

RR: They keep insisting they’ll move out and find their own place. Well, it’s been years, and they still show no signs of budging. Not a centimeter*. At least the overflowing trashcans at the Towers are supplying them well, so I won’t have to wire them money this month.

(*A centimeter is a small unit of length equal to approximately 0.4 inches, for those of you who are humanities majors. –Ed.)

EM: Hold up, rats can wire money?

RR: We’re not animals, you know. (scoffs) Really, the rudeness of it all!

EM: I’m very sorry to offend, but would you mind telling us what rats use money for?

RR: I say! We use money for the same things you do– paying bills, buying groceries, getting fur cuts, going to nail salons.

(He shows off his very well-done nails and I have no choice but to marvel at them.)

RR: Really, I might ask of you “what do you humans use those freakishly large brains for?” Obviously not critical thinking, or you’d have already grasped the basics of rat society.

EM: Well, we mostly use it to “forget” that the mask goes over your nose.

RR: Hm? Oh, that plague I keep hearing about. Horrendous, horrendous mess you’ve made. Makes me glad I’m a rat, to be honest. 

EM: I suppose you rats don’t have a pandemic to deal with?

RR: To think! No, we learned proper hygiene the hard way in the 40s and haven’t looked back since. 

EM: Excuse me, the 40s?

RR: 1340s, darling, do try to keep up. I find it quite remarkable, actually: you lot are spreading this one all by yourselves! 

(We share a laugh that reflects the pleasure of bonding with another soul in these plague-ridden times as well as the deep and unending bitterness at the state of the world.)

EM: Now tell me, Reggie, what projects are you working on right now?

RR: Well as you know, I’ve always been a spokesperson for the Lothrop rat community. Ever since I was a little ratling! 

EM: I’m sure.

RR: And now! To be interviewed by the Pitt News! Why, my mother always told me, “Reggie, I know times are hard for us rats right now. But one day, I know it, you’ll be famous as any human, getting photographed, making headlines, giving interviews. That’s the day rats start being respected around here.” That’s what my mother told me (may she rest in cheese) and I’ll be damned if it didn’t just come true. The Pitt News… (he sighs dreamily)

EM: Um, Mr. Rattington, I think there’s been a mistake. I’m here with the Pittiful News, not the Pitt News. 

(There is a long pause. Finally, Reggie sighs in disappointment.)

EM: (clearly dejected that she does not write for the rat’s preferred news source) Thank you for your time.

How the Pittiful News writes a Group Article

By The writers of The Pittiful News

 

  1. Learn how to write
  2. Acquire a group

    1. it is fine if you have to kidnap people
    2. groups can be made up of:

      1. Stuffed animals

      2. Real animals

  • Imaginary friends

  1. Manifestations of your exponentially increasing loneliness

  2. People! (Minus babies. Abolish babies)

    1. agreed
  3. Make sure the other group members know how to write
  4. (Very hard) Come up with an idea for a group article.

    • For example: an article about how to write a group article
  5. Always find a way to incorporate a dick joke. They just elevate
    the entire thing.
  6. Overshare about your long and hard life story
  7. Cry a little bit.
  8. Control + Shift + 7
  9. Make sure your glasses are clean. You need to be able to see the
    group article!
  10. Make sure the camera on your laptop is clean. The group article
    needs to be able to see you!
  11. Question your entire worth and ability to be funny. Have a crisis
    about the fact that you will be unemployed after college because you decided to
    major in English. You stupid piece of shit. Your sister goes to Johns Hopkins
    for chemical engineering. You’re paying thousands of dollars to analyze the
    green light in Great Gatsby. Who is gonna hire you for that? Nobody, you idiot.
  12. Cry a little bit more.
  13. Buy graph paper, you will need this later
  14. Make a bunch of matching shirts for you and your group to
    establish to onlookers that you are all a part of the same group who is writing
    an article together.
  15. Check twitter 13 times for inspiration
  16. Challenge other members of your group to a joust and see who comes
    out victorious, this is how the Pittiful News does elections
  17. Watch the entirety of the Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cinematic
    Universe to put yourself in the mood to write some jokes.
  18. Drunk call someone you’re secretly in love with just to feel
    It’s great for inspiration.
  19. Sleep with at least two people in said group to create some drama.

    • Write about said drama.
  1. This is a real occurrence, it happened 3 years ago
  1. Read some of your favorite articles to remind yourself that you will never create anything as good and you will amount to nothing.
  2. Eat lunch
  3. Eat breakfast
  4. Eat dinner

    • Please follow steps 21-23 in that exact order, otherwise there may
      be ill effects
  5. Get baptized
  6. Get circumsized
  7. Get bar mitzvahed
  8. Meet a nice Jewish boy, or nice Jewish girl, or nice Jewish enby.
  9. Dump their ass
  10. Leave town. Buy a new passport with a fake name from a man in a
    dark alleyway. Pack nothing but a cigarette and a pack of gum. Move to a remote
    island somewhere in vague Europe. You’re a new person now. Start over. Create a
    Fall in love with the store owner across the street but never reveal
    who you really are until it’s been 50 years and you’re on your deathbed. Make
    sure to take notes on what you observe during this to use for your article!
    Send the notes to your group. Die.
  11. Buy a ticket for Israel, 2 bottles of water for the way, and you
    sure do have some sweet company oh were leaving next week what do you say, when
    we’re gone when we’re gone, your gonna miss us when we’re gone, you’re gonna
    miss us by our smiles you’re gonna every mile oh your gonna miss us when we’re
    gone
  12. One hop this time, 2 hop this time, hands on ya knees hand on ya
    knees etc. https://www.wikihow.com/Do-the-Electric-Slide
  13. Cry for the last time before you actually start writing something.
  14. Actually start writing the group article.

How to make friends

By The Writers of the Pittiful news

  1. Pizza
  2. Steal cats
    1. Not from them
    2. Just bribe them with other people’s cats
  3. Buy a plant, that is now your “friend”
  4. Be the only girl in a men’s wrestling club
  5. Write an ad on craigslist “man seeking man for a fun time” and meet a new buddy!
  6. Pay them, because nobody would willingly spend time with you without gaining something in return. You absolute coffee filter of a man. 
  7. Buy animal crossing and talk to your animated animal villagers. Trust me, it kind of feels like you’re talking to real people. It’s basically the same thing, right? 
  8. Don’t. They are useless. You cannot take them with you to the beyond. 
    1. Well you can but that is frowned upon in most cultures
  9. Profess your undying love to the person you made eye contact with on the bus
  10. Just talk to people. Duh. 
  11. Have a car.
  12. Stop making jokes about your dad leaving when you were seven as an icebreaker. Try asking for their name first. 
  13. Say “do you get any of this?” to the guy next to you in class, even though it actually makes perfect sense to you, but you know the guy next to you has been asleep for the past ten minutes. Score.
  14. Ask the cute girl in your accounting class what her fursona is, rwar XD! *nuzzles* ensues 
  15. Kidnap them beauty and the beast style, Stockholm syndrome creates the strongest of bonds!
  16. Get pregnant and when you give birth boom instant friend. 
    1. First problem, i am boy
    2. A rebuttal: Society has progressed past the need for boys. Sucks to suck. 
  17. Water (35 L), Carbon (20 kg), Ammonia (4 L), Lime (1.5 kg), Phosphorous (800 g), Salt (250 g), Saltpeter (100 g), Sulfur (80 g), Fluorine (7.5 g), Iron (5 g), Silicon (3 g) and trace amounts fifteen other elements.
  18. When Heinz was younger, he performed magic tricks for the local kids. Heinz performed the pull-the-rabbit-out-of-the-hat trick, and instead of pulling out his rabbit companion, Bobo, he pulled out a skunk, which sprayed him. Next, he performed a card trick. A girl volunteered to pick one of Heinz’s cards, while he blindfolded himself. When Heinz uncovered his blindfold, he appeared to be holding the same skunk, who sprayed him again. Yet again, another trick went wrong, and while Heinz shouted for someone to help him get out of some chains, the skunk came along and sprayed him once more. 
  19. Date a bunch of people then stick them all in the friendzone and never talk about it again
  20. Come to a Pittiful News meeting. Please, dear god, we are so lonely. 
  21. Have your boyband adopt a troubled orphan named Y/N with a heart of gold and wavy brown hair from her abusive alcoholic mother.
  22. Leave the door to your shower stall open when you wash your hair in the dorm bathrooms
  23. Make a fake twitter account and dox yourself. Lots of people will come over to hang!
  24. Sit in the elevator for a few hours and ask people where they are headed 
  25. Join a sorority/frat and pay $3000/semester to develop imposter syndrome and body image issues. 
  26. OCxzDJK;HJLKAEWRFHJLKwfhjlkasfdhjlkasfdhjkl cult
  27. Tell your RA that you and your roommate are having an existential disagreement
  28. Whenever you find a person passed out drunk, sleep next to them. Automatic soul mates <3
  29. Walk the streets of South Oakland and ask passersby if they have a light 
  30. Eat them. Then you guys are forever connected.
  31. Join volleyball games on the Pete lawn, and spike the ball onto the roof. That’ll be cool.  
  32. Get really dressed up and go out to a quiet street at night. Stick your foot out to signal cars to come over to you. They will even offer you money for your company.  
  33. Wear a fascinator to go out and use the ATM
  34. Start singing Alexander Hamilton in the dining hall and see who joins in
  35. Do your math homework in the bathtub
  36. Challenge people to a duel, once you set a time and place, swap out the dueling portion with a friendly discussion about normal friend things, such as: favorite color, favorite shape, second favorite dinosaur, how to demolish capitalism, and most importantly favorite desserts. 
  37. Talk about your cats a lot. It will NOT make people uncomfortable if you speak about them like they are your biological children. Being a crazy cat person is cool i promise.(see Sikov, Tyler)
  38. Maybe try being likeable?
  39. Join a group therapy session 
  40. MagiKarp use drown, then save them, boom friends for life until you must betray the for they have stolen the love of your life, Maria
  41. Ask if they want to go penguin sledding 
  42. Anti-Antidisestablishmentarianism       
  43. Wave someone over to sit next to you in a crowded cafe. When they do sit, introduce yourself and engage in some small talk. Then, when things are going good, look them right in the eyes for just a second. Slowly open your mouth and scream at the top of your lungs.   
  44. Just kiss your Starbucks barista, or if you are the starbucks barista kiss clients until one of them kisses back    
  45. Fall in love in a hopeless place
  46. Listen to this article
  47. Go to a bar on saturday at 9 oclock, when the usual crowd shuffles in, be an old man sitting next to the piano just sipping on tonic and gin.
  48. Press the blue light emergency buttons you find around campus. They deploy a helpful security friend directly to your location! 
  49. Knock on your ra’s door at 2am to talk about how much you miss your mommy. 
  50. Ggrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgrgr 
  51. Yeah we should use the air ducts