Girlfriend in Face Mask Mistaken by Local Man as “Ready to Have Shrex”

By Holly Stavarski

Cleveland, OH Earlier this month, one couple’s romantic night in was interrupted by a huge misunderstanding. It was Valentine’s Day and Alison Bealer had told her boyfriend, Jackson Walsh that she did not want to do anything special.
“For the past seven years we have done something fun and extravagant and I just wanted a relaxing night in with my love,” said Alison.
    
They ordered Chinese and cuddled up on the couch to watch the 2011 cinematic classic “Dolphin Tale.” After a soothing back rub from Jackson, Alison decided to try a new facial treatment and take a warm bath. Unfortunately, Jackson did not know about this plan. He saw Alison applying her green face mask and immediately ran into the bedroom. When Alison entered the room looking for her robe, she saw Jackson sprawled across the bed in the Shrek costume that he had worn for Halloween for the past five years, with his erect penis out.
   
“I screamed and ran out of the room,” Alison recalls, “I was terrified! Even more so when he ran after me and started yelling ‘DONKEY!’”

Jackson, a devout fan of the Shrek franchise, thought that his girlfriend was going to make the most romantic gesture since anal, and fulfill his Shrexual fantasies.
“I have had complicated feelings about Shrek since I was a child and it was only recently that I have come to terms with my shrexuality. I confided in Alison and I thought she was cool with it–until last night,” Jackson said.
“I was caught off guard,” said Alison. “I was expecting a very low-key night. I did NOT expect to see an aroused Shrek in my bed, nor did I expect to let him into my swamp.”
Jackson is unsure about how he will go about proposing the scenario again.
     
“I want to talk to her about it, because her reaction felt like a bullet that went through all my layers, but I’m pretty sure its all ogre now.”
    
Alison confided that she would be okay with trying it again, but it will take some time, and for Jackson to stop saying Shrek puns.  

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Local Man Drowns in Pussy

By I.S. Mills
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The Allegheny County man who died last Tuesday as a result of his injuries in a freak bachelor party accident has been identified as Todd O’Clerigan, 26. O’Clerigan sustained contusions on his head and chest and eventually succumbed to the effects of suffocation and brain damage. Before his death, Todd’s good friend Al Brinker attempted to summon emergency personnel to the scene, but was met with levity that later proved fatal:

11:56pm Dispatcher: Nine one one, what’s your emergency?
11:56pm Brinker: Todd! My friend Todd is… drowning in pussy! Help!
11:56pm D: Haha, nice. Good for him.
11:57pm B: No, it’s not nice! He’s being crushed by all the pussy-
11:57pm D: Yo, sweet. But if you don’t have an emergency I’m going to have to let you go.
11:57pm B: This is an emergency, my friend Todd is literally being smothered…
11:57pm D: Haha, what an absolute legend! Well, let me know how it goes with him. I gotta go though.
11:58pm Dispatcher hangs up.

During Brinker’s phone call, O’Clerigan was suffocating under the bodies of twelve exotic dancers. The dancers had been rendered immobile when a makeshift stage that the host of the bachelor party, Alan Sullivan, built, collapsed suddenly.

“There was dust and stuff everywhere and when it cleared we saw that the girls had been pinned, mostly in, like, a sitting position, to the ground by all the debris from the stage,” said Brinker of the incident.

“Todd said he was going to go get, you know, a better look,” explained another partygoer, who whishes to remain anonymous. “Like, the floor was Plexiglas, so he crawled under the stage to, you know.”

O’Clerigan was then trapped under the seated dancers when the stage collapsed. Family members of Todd O’Clerigan are planning to sue Alan Sullivan for damages.

Local Student Takes Break from Constant Anxiety to Eat Granola Bar

By Riley Weber

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Spectators were amazed last Sunday when student Eric Mills arose from his couch in order to go to his kitchen and grab a snack. Mills proceeded to open a box of granola bars and after a brief pause, selected the chocolate chip flavor. He then returned to his spot on the couch, only stopping for a second to wonder about that stain on his coffee table.

This would be the third time that day Mills had moved from the couch, the first two being a trip to the bathroom and an accidental fall during a nap. “I was just between thinking about how I’m going to fail my Biology lab and thinking that that girl in my calculus class thinks I’m a goddamn loser when it occurred to me that I should probably eat something so I don’t waste away and die,” Mills said. The excursion to the kitchen took place at approximately 4:56 PM according to Mills. “I know because around that time my friend asked if I wanted to hang out and I remember thinking that I couldn’t because I had too much work to do and also am a poison to those around me.”
Reactions to Mills’ trip were varied. The Quaker Oats Company put out the following statement “We’re very pleased that Eric chose our product for his existential crisis. We hope to maintain the image that our company makes the perfect product for not letting your body digest its own muscle in order to survive.” This event is following the groundbreaking venture by Katherine Dolphman, who attracted media attention when she stopped in the middle of her mental breakdown drink a glass of water earlier this week. Mills closed with the announcement that the granola bar was somewhat satisfying, and that he may even try to eat another tomorrow after putting his life back together piece by piece.

Local Woman Issues Cease and Desist to Friend Who Constantly Messages Disgusting Things

By Dippy Diplodocus

After being on the receiving end of several months’ worth of “unsolicited, inappropriate communication,” Oakland resident Kuki Sanban had had enough and decided that it was time to take legal action. This came in the form of a cease and desist letter, issued to Abigail Lincoln, who also resides here in Oakland and is a good friend of Kuki’s.


“Since our middle school days, Abigail has always been a wild card,” said Sanban. “But lately she’s been taking things too far. Day in and day out, she sends me these very gross, often sexually explicit text messages. I kept asking her to stop, but it didn’t seem like I was getting through. I felt that I had to do something drastic.”


The following are only a few of the nearly nine months’ worth of messages which Sanban received and is now submitting as evidence in her case:


Gronk could suck me dry idc idc!!!


Do you ever sit next to someone and are like wow, I was just thinking about your dick in my mouth like five minutes ago lol


Are you ever so constipated that you go and try to have sex just to push the poop out?


“That last one was the one that finally pushed me over the edge.”  Sanban revealed, sounding nearly on the verge of tears. “Why is someone who’s supposed to be my friend subjecting me to discussions of penises putting pressure against the walls of her fully packed anal canal?”


Unfortunately, even though we agree with Ms. Sanban, her friend hasn’t technically done anything illegal. So, even if Abigail continues painting vivid verbal pictures of her bowel evacuation methods, it is unlikely that any real action will be taken against her. Lincoln seems to be aware of this fact as when we reached out to her for comment, she only had this to say: “Eat my ass!”