LoL@Pitt under investigation after killing Make-A-Wish kid

By Ben Ungar

LOL

September 22nd marked the Pitt League of Legends Fall draft and everything was fine and dandy… until it wasn’t. At the conclusion of the draft, it came to the draft administrators’ attention that they’d accidentally skipped over a player, 14-year-old Johny Berg, who is suffering from liver cancer and made the wish to play in Pitt’s League of Legends league with his few months left in this world.

When the draft administrator, Richard Wanker, realized this mishap had taken place he knew there was only one thing left to do. He and the Pitt A-team, went to the hospital Berg was getting treatment from, and suffocated him in bed. “We know the horrible nature of this act,” said Pitt team captain, Chancellor Gallagher, “but it was the only way to save all the captains an hour of their precious masturbation time. A re-draft was not gonna happen, it would have caused a freaking riot!”

The police chief who was on this case respected the complexity of this case, “Well, on one hand, this is a brutal murder of a vulnerable person. But on the other hand, college kids need to jerk off, so what can I say?” Some people are feeling less understanding. Upon interviewing the victim’s mom, she shouted, “Fuck those kids, I’m in the process of hiring a mercenary to kill all their families and then cut off all their fucking limbs!” Damn, bitches be crazy! Well, that’s all from me today, folks.

Professional Gaming to be Aired on ESPN by 2016

By Christian Heagy

It is no doubt that League of Legends is one of the most popular “Electronic Sports” of this modern era. “Electronic Sports,” better known as “Esports,” is a growing trend across the globe. The 2014 League of Legends World Championship climbed up to over 11 million concurrent viewers from around the world at it’s peak.


With its exponential growth in popularity, it is no wonder that the demand to have professional Esports appear on television is on the rise and what better place to air it than famed sports channel, ESPN.


“It’s no doubt that having pro League of Legends on television is a step in the right direction.” announced Andy “Reginald” Dihn, coach and owner of Team Solo Mid, one of the longest running teams in the professional League of Legends scene. “The players are already in contracts and are treated like other sports players and it’s about time they got on television.”


“Having professional League of Legends aired on our channel will broaden our target audience outside of the typical sports watchers. We hope to have the Finals, if not all, of the League of Legends 2016 World Championship aired on our channel.” explains John Skipper, president of ESPN, inc.


“I always found the traditional games aired on ESPN to be rather boring and quite barbaric. The introduction of Esports will be a breath of fresh air. It will be nice to see a knowledge based game that actually requires skill on ESPN” said video game enthusiast, Gary “xXsEmIpRoXx” Yang.

By adding League of Legends to the list of games they already air, ESPN seems to be making the right economic choice. The contract is set to be signed December 9, 2015.