By Ben Ungar
September 22nd marked the Pitt League of Legends Fall draft and everything was fine and dandy… until it wasn’t. At the conclusion of the draft, it came to the draft administrators’ attention that they’d accidentally skipped over a player, 14-year-old Johny Berg, who is suffering from liver cancer and made the wish to play in Pitt’s League of Legends league with his few months left in this world.
When the draft administrator, Richard Wanker, realized this mishap had taken place he knew there was only one thing left to do. He and the Pitt A-team, went to the hospital Berg was getting treatment from, and suffocated him in bed. “We know the horrible nature of this act,” said Pitt team captain, Chancellor Gallagher, “but it was the only way to save all the captains an hour of their precious masturbation time. A re-draft was not gonna happen, it would have caused a freaking riot!”
The police chief who was on this case respected the complexity of this case, “Well, on one hand, this is a brutal murder of a vulnerable person. But on the other hand, college kids need to jerk off, so what can I say?” Some people are feeling less understanding. Upon interviewing the victim’s mom, she shouted, “Fuck those kids, I’m in the process of hiring a mercenary to kill all their families and then cut off all their fucking limbs!” Damn, bitches be crazy! Well, that’s all from me today, folks.