An Open(ed) Letter to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

By I. S. Mills

The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.
Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.
Hi Deb,
I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!
I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺
I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.
With love,
Allison

Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.

Op/Ed: People I Would Elect Before Donald Trump

By Dan Smith

Image result for hillary clinton and bernie sanders

-Bernie Sanders
-Hillary Clinton
-Elizabeth Warren
-Michelle Obama
-Stephen Colbert
-John Stewart
-Lil B
-John Green
-Kanye West
-Ophelia from Market Central
-Chance the Rapper
-My mom
-Emma Watson
-Vermin Supreme
-Oprah
-Ellen Degeneres
-Leslie Knope
-The hacker from Cyberchase
-Finn the Human
-Alex Trebek
-Literally any cat
-Joe Biden
-Roc the Panther
-Lincoln Chafee
-Jimmy McMillan
-Hulk Hogan
-Steve Harvey
-The moon emoji
-Billy Ray Cyrus
-Bill Murray -Either of the Sprouse twins -Both of the Sprouse twins -Louis C K -Al Gore -A dead squirrel -Morgan Freeman -Beyoncé -Jaden Smith -Bryan Cranston
-John Cena
-An ant farm

Two ant farms

Hillary Cllinton Private E-mail Leak!

By John Meyer

In the past few weeks, it has come to light that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used a private e-mail account during her time in office as opposed to the provided government e-mail traditionally used. The Pittiful News has been given exclusive access to this private account and boy, is it shocking. I mean there is some truly shocking things going on in here. But hey, we’ll let you be the judge on whether this possible future presidential candidate has crossed the line.