The Gorgonzolaspel of Mozzarellathew

By Eric Brinling

 

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In the little cheese town of Bandelthlehem in the land of Curdea lived a young cheese couple, and their names were Montmary Jack and Asiagoseph. One day an aurangel of Go(u)d(a) came to Montmary Jack in her sleep, and told her that she would have a cheese son. Asiagoseph was understandably confused, as he had not yet Liederkranzed (which is a cheese euphemism) with her. Montmary Jack confirmed his suspicions, saying “This is nacho son.”

And yet, Asiagoseph stayed with Montmary Jack. Nine cheese months later Montmary Jack gave birth to an adoberable babybel, whom she named Cheesus. The brie wise men camembert to them, bringing gifts of goulda, fetacense, and myrrh (but like, cheese myrrh).

Many long cheese years passed. When he was a cheese adult (a manchego), Cheesus wandered provolone for forty cheese days in the dessert (which was cheesecake). There he was tempted by Quesatan, but Cheesus stayed strong. He saw Quesatan for the muenster he was. 

Then Cheesus began his mishistry. He gathered twelve cheese disciples, such as Piaveter, Judas Iscurdiot, and John (who was also made of cheese, but simply didn’t have a cheese pun name). Cheesus preached a simple message, that whoever brielieves in him shall not parmesarish, but have eternal labneh. 

But Cheesus began to grate on Judas Iscurdiot and make him blue, so Judas sought to betray (like, a cheese tray) him. He met with the big cheese Okaiaphas, and sold out Cheesus for only thirty fried cheese curds (painted silver with food dye). Judas Iscurdiot would later curdmit suicide, by the whey.

And so, betrayed (again, like a cheese tray) by Judas Iscurdiot, Cheesus would be crucifried (a process in which cheese is stapled to a cross and dipped in boiling oil, and thereby fried) by the authoricheese.

But lo! They thought Cheesus was fried to perfection (which is why it’s called Good Fryday) and they buried him like Formaggio di Fossa, but three cheese days later he Brös again, and appeared once more to his cheese disciples before ascending to Heavarti.

And that is why we celebrate Cheester.

Pitt Chancellor Shedding His Skin and Leaving It All Over the Place

By Hannah Lynn
 
Although it has been over a year since the announcement that Patrick Gallagator would take the reigns as chancellor after previous chancellor Mark Nordenberg’s departure, he wasn’t formally installed until February. And yet already, he has become a burden. Gallagator, widely known to be a Lizard Person, has been shedding large amounts of his scaly skin all over campus.

“I was just walking around the Cathedral, minding my own business, when I tripped over something,” said Junior Roman Morris. “It wasn’t till I looked up from my phone that I saw this like, huge reptile skin. Only it wasn’t in the shape of a snake it was in the shape of a man!”

That man is Patrick Gallagator, known Lizard Person.
But Morris isn’t the only one to come across this pile of discarded lizard flesh; there have been reports of it being found in the Henry Heymann theater, next to the Taco Bell in William Pitt Union, and even dangling off part of the roof of the Cathedral of Learning.

This particular skin was found by maintenance worker Leo Crabapple. “I was just sweeping the grounds when I looked up and saw it hanging down. I have no idea how he got up there,” said Crabapple. “That is one spry motherfucker.”

Most of Gallagator’s sheddings occur in or around the Cathedral, as he dwells in the dungeon beneath it. However, there has never been a verified sighting of him in his full lizard form, as Lizard People are famously impossible to photograph. However, there are several reports that every morning, Gallagator slithers out of his home to get his mail, which is delivered by a young ferret carrying a scroll in its mouth.

Gallagator did not respond for comment on his skin shedding habits.