I Lost My V-Card to a Corpse

By Megan Klein

One look at those long bony legs and lusting lips, and I wanted to bone. Like straight up bone this beautiful corpse I accidentally dug up. I know what you’re thinking: “Megan, why don’t you get a real boyfriend like everyone else?”
Well first off, I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m a cool gal that knows how to hang. Having a boyfriend is totally overrated when I need to be discovering ME– my interests, my passions, what makes me tick. I need to date myself right now. I’m not saying that if you have a boyfriend your life is totally and completely over, but you do have a lot of restrictions. If that works for you, then great! But I sure love the freedom of being able to wake up in the morning and know I have my whole day ahead of me free of the distraction of love. I can gracefully accept cat-calls,  play video games, and even wear the kinds of shoes I want. All free from mutual caring and consideration by an S.O.

So when Skele-boy texted me, “You wanna hang?” I thought, this is my chance to lose my v-card to someone who doesn’t love me. That way, I never have to worry about catching the feelings plague. So I did it. And holy guacamole. We banged in his coffin until sunrise. We were cuddling, and he said, “Hey, can you go home?” So I did. An old lady ghost jealously glared at me while I gathered my clothes and promptly climbed out from his grave. What a hater. I am a strong, independent woman who is learning that life is about loving yourself, and knowing that boys will break your heart, but if you take out your heart and force them to eat it, they can’t hurt you.

Halloween Sex Tips

By Critter Fink

Image result for pumpkin glory hole
  1. Empty a pumpkin out
  2. Layer the guts in a 9X13 pan
  3. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
  4. Bake the pumpkin guts for 10-13 minutes or until golden orange
  5. Carve a penis shaped hole in the side of the pumpkin
  6. Put the fully baked pumpkin guts back into the pumpkin
  7. Put your penis into the hole
  8. Feel the burns from the extremely hot guts surround your member 
  9. Fuck the shit out of that pumpkin 
  10. Go to the hospital to get your second and third degree burns treated
  11. Give your number to the first nurse you see
  12. Wait three days 
  13. She will not have texted you in this time 
  14. Find out where she lives
  15. Bring the pumpkin that you originally fucked 
  16. Put the pumpkin on her front porch
  17. Break into her home
  18. Murder her
  19. Take her corpse home because you are now married
  20. Empty out the innards in her body 
  21. Put them in a 9X13 pan, lightly greased
  22. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown 
  23. Stuff her torso fill of the now  
  24. Enjoy having a warm body in your bed again
  25. Return to her home because you forgot your pumpkin you goof!
  26. The police are there and you tell them you just need your pumpkin
  27. Literally seven people saw you dragging the corpse out
  28. Double check that the oven is off
  29. The police will bring you to jail
  30. You are now serving life in prison
  31. Learn how to be a bottom bitch in prison
  32. Get craaaazy good at giving head
  33. Find a drug kingpin to be your zaddy

So if you want a cute and casual way to put some Halloween fun into you sex life this is the plan for you!

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!
  1. Candelabra – This one really says you know how to give good head. 
  1. Cobwebs – Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love
  1. A spooky doll – look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes.” He’ll be flattered, and blush.
  1. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” – you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!
  1. A jack-o-lantern – carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other
  1. Some spiders – real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

  1. A casual knife – Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!

Top 10 Most Terrifying Halloween Costumes

By Hannah Lynn

The Pittiful News witnessed some pretty frightening stuff over the weekend. Here are some of the most bone-chilling costumes seen around town. If they were even costumes…

1. The crippling anxiety of an existential crisis
2. Centipede
3. Blue Steel brothers from “Breaking Bad”
4. Bruce Jenner’s “face”
5. Yourself on the first day of high school
6. Robin Thicke
7. A boom box playing “Let it go” on repeat endlessly
8. Curdled milk
9. Headless Horse
10. Darren Wilson

Spooky Story: The Sinister Secret of Pumpkin Spice

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Ah, it’s fall! Beautiful foliage, cool weather, and fun clothes! But there’s a secret darkness lurking. In your coffee, your pies, all manner of sweet edibles- we call it pumpkin spice. Sure, it tastes like a fun, seasonal blend of our favorite squash, cinnamon and nutmeg, but it’s real content is much darker. It’s ground-up shelter cats.