For Sale: Ultra-Rare Pitt Bonfire Shirt ($1000, or the equivalent of three meal swipes)

By Trish Caucci

 

tshirt

Hello!

I am just a simple, silly freshman trying to sell my hard-earned t-shirt that I got fair and square at bonfire night. I thought since I’m so lucky to live in the air-conditioned haven that is Nordenberg, or as I know it “Nordy”, I should try to share my good fortune with my campus. I figured I should share my wealth because I know some people have to live in Towers. Since I’ve been here for about a month, I reckon I know a lot about being a Pitt student. I am well acquainted—sorry about my huge SAT word slipping out—with the hard work of standing in a line for free stuff.

I’m selling my ware for such a low price because I hate to think that my roommate and I are fighting over this stupid shirt. It’s so hard to like shower in our marble bathrooms knowing she’s so furious and might passive aggressively play Billie Eillish’s “Bury a Friend” while we sleep. She’s pissed that while we were both sweating furiously in our crop top sweatshirts that night the cute guy handing out the merchandise looked at my belly button panther ring and said, “Hail to Pitt” when handing me the last shirt. So, I got the last of the supplies, which didn’t really last ya know?

I don’t really remember what happened after that because of the strong Strawberitas we had that night. I remember flashes of us dancing in red paint; I think it was lit, but I don’t really know to be honest. I know my roommate’s sophomore boyfriend, who she “definitely didn’t follow to school”, egged her on about not getting him a shirt. And then we might have fought? He hasn’t heard from her since then, and come to think of it neither have I. I think she might have found someone else to follow. Did I mention I was wearing the cropped sweatshirt first, and she changed into it? I’m glad she’s gone. Anyway, I’ll accept meal swipes in payment because I made some senior friends who said they can get their hands on some more Strawberitas for me.

Anyway, toodles.

 

Pitt Deserves A Better Rival Than Penn State

By Milo Davis

Almost one month ago to date, a Penn State student laid out some pretty strong opinions about his once proud school ahead of its first game in 16 years against the superior Pittsburgh Panthers. Alas, all the hubris and willful ignorance in the world couldn’t save the Nittany Lions from succumbing to our complete and total awesomeness. On that fateful September afternoon we all discovered one totally objective truth: Pitt’s ethereal glory should never, ever be mentioned in the same breath as those Penn State heathens.



Aside from the State College crowd, who desperately want to bask in the light of our splendor, a lot of people share my sentiment. Being that football is the greatest thing man has ever developed, and being that Pitt is the greatest at football, it obviously follows that Pitt is the greatest ever. It also follows that those smelly doodoo heads at Penn State all have cooties and I hate them.

Before I continue, let me make one thing clear: I am very much opposed to Penn State playing the role of Pitt’s primary rival in the future. We should honestly just throw out the games we’ve scheduled against Penn State for the next three years and jump right into the NFL so we could go up against the likes of the New England Patriots or that other Pittsburgh team in the NFL, even though they could never dream of being half as illustrious as us.

Then, after we’ve mopped the floor with the NFL, we’d go on to face the very gods of the Greek Pantheon themselves. I’d expect Pitt to win such a game by a score of 56-3, and I’m being generous. There’s no way Hermes is running past Jordan Whitehead. I’d take James Conner over Ares any day of the week, and we all know that up-and-comer Achilles is an injury waiting to happen. It’s only a matter of time before Pat Narduzzi takes his rightful place at the helm of Mount Olympus and goes down in history as the greatest football coach (and mortal man) of all time in the history of forever. Hail to Pitt, fuck Penn State, and may Pat bless us all.