Move Over Global Warming, It’s Sweater Time

By Abby Stoudt

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Hey guys do you think that we could stop with this global warming stuff? I really want to wear a sweater. It’s fall, look at your calendars. It’s legally sweater weather and if I can’t wear a sweater outside sometime soon, I’m going to lose it.

My favorite sweater is this yellow cable-knit one that I bought at H&M and if I don’t wear it at least 287 times a year then I might die. I don’t know if I’ll definitely die but frankly, I don’t really want to live in a life where I can’t wear my favorite sweater at least 287 a year. Maybe this year I’ll go for a new record and wear it 300 times. I’ll never know if I can actually hit this goal unless we get our act together and stop global warming. I mean it you guys.

No, I will not just bear with it and wear a sweater outside right now. It’s 75 degrees outside and if I wear a sweater, I’ll get heat stroke and then have to go to the wellness center and miss class. Do you want me to miss class? Then stop with this global warming stuff please. 

I think that I know how we can fix all of this so that we can make sweater weather our today and not some story from the “good old days” we tell our children. I’m not having kids so who the hell am I going to tell about sweater weather if we keep going on with this? In order to stop global warming, we just need to make the globe cooler. I propose that if we just all turn on our air conditioning to the highest setting and open our freezers and also leave the windows open, we can reverse global warming. My hair dryer has a cool setting and I can use that too if anyone thinks that it’ll help.

Also, the ice caps are melting so we need to fix that. If we bring back the ice caps good enough, we can have permanent sweater weather. You know when you drink gets warm, so you put ice in it to cool it off? I think we should do that with the Arctic. Maybe we can make more ice in the Arctic if we dump enough ice-cubes in there.

I don’t know enough about the environment to know if any of my ideas would really do anything, but also I don’t like being wrong so I don’t want to hear anything if I am. Thanks.

 

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Climate Marchers Realize Fossil Fuels are Great

By Lilian Sun

On September 21, 2014, a huge assembly of environmentalists, hippies, and stoners that supported the continuation of life on earth gathered in New York City to encourage the United Nations’ climate change summit to do something, as opposed to their usual agenda of doing nothing. But the peoples’ drive and enthusiasm to stop climate change soon dissolved when they encountered three Caucasian males standing in the middle of the march holding signs and wearing t-shirts that read “I love fossil fuels.”

“It was like, one second I wanted to stop climate change, and the next I was thinking ‘what am I doing here?’,” one confused marcher said. “After those guys gave me their flier I wanted to become a trucker and go on random joy rides cross country while investing in coal mines and tar sands. Actually, that sounds like a really great plan. I think I’m going to do it right now.” As if hypnotized, the marcher stumbled away from the march. People report that they saw the man jump inside a random truck and drive off, but he was instantly stuck in traffic and had to wait several hours to get out of the city.


Approximately 300,000 other marchers experienced similar effects after passing the fossil fuel groupies, and by the end of the Climate March, the chants had changed from “What do we want? Climate justice! When do we want it? Now!” to “I heart fossil fuels” and “I love fossil fuels” and other variations of the same sentence. Some changed the name of the Climate March to the Who-Gives-A-Shit-About-Climate March. Impromptu signs and shirts were made bearing the “I


“ALL HAIL THE OLD GODS,” the marchers chanted, spellbound. “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY DINOS.” They exhaled with greater vigor, hoping to create more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. A few passed out from exhaling too long. The other marchers continued, stepping on the fallen as if they weren’t there.

The police, aghast and afraid, did not move or speak. It almost seemed as though they couldn’t move or speak.


The volunteers stationed at the end of the Climate March cried or screamed when they saw how the march had devolved into a cult worshipping fossil fuels. But when the three Caucasian men, the new leaders of the march, passed by, the volunteers stopped whatever they were doing and jerkily joined the march. Their eyes, glassed over and drooping, did not blink. Their slack mouths chanted and gaped. Their hands twitched and became stuck in a clawed position, as if trying to become one with their dinosaur overlords. Basically, they looked like all the other marchers.

As the end of the march neared, one by one people began to disappear. It was unnoticeable at first, but by the time the leaders of the march reached the intersection of 11th Avenue and 34th Street, not a single marcher was left. Behind the fossil fuel lovers was a street strewn with signs, shirts, and extremely confused policemen and women. And so the 2014 Climate March came to a mysterious end.

In other news, Pitt students said that on September 21, Dippy the Dinosaur’s eyes glowed red, and a distance roar was heard by anyone within a mile radius of the statue. No other signs of the occult have manifested themselves through Dippy since then.