Pitt Chancellor Shedding His Skin and Leaving It All Over the Place

By Hannah Lynn
 
Although it has been over a year since the announcement that Patrick Gallagator would take the reigns as chancellor after previous chancellor Mark Nordenberg’s departure, he wasn’t formally installed until February. And yet already, he has become a burden. Gallagator, widely known to be a Lizard Person, has been shedding large amounts of his scaly skin all over campus.

“I was just walking around the Cathedral, minding my own business, when I tripped over something,” said Junior Roman Morris. “It wasn’t till I looked up from my phone that I saw this like, huge reptile skin. Only it wasn’t in the shape of a snake it was in the shape of a man!”

That man is Patrick Gallagator, known Lizard Person.
But Morris isn’t the only one to come across this pile of discarded lizard flesh; there have been reports of it being found in the Henry Heymann theater, next to the Taco Bell in William Pitt Union, and even dangling off part of the roof of the Cathedral of Learning.

This particular skin was found by maintenance worker Leo Crabapple. “I was just sweeping the grounds when I looked up and saw it hanging down. I have no idea how he got up there,” said Crabapple. “That is one spry motherfucker.”

Most of Gallagator’s sheddings occur in or around the Cathedral, as he dwells in the dungeon beneath it. However, there has never been a verified sighting of him in his full lizard form, as Lizard People are famously impossible to photograph. However, there are several reports that every morning, Gallagator slithers out of his home to get his mail, which is delivered by a young ferret carrying a scroll in its mouth.

Gallagator did not respond for comment on his skin shedding habits.

Market Analysts Say Dining Dollar Depreciates in World Market

By Steven Jaindl
The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world.  When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.
Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.
“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.
“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse.  “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong?  Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”
The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar.  Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:
“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that.  Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester.  When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know?  It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”

Real-life Monster Lurks Around Pitt Campus

By Hannah Lynn

Last Monday started out like any other for sophomore Stanley Hudson until he saw a shadow lurking in the corner of the Cathedral basement. “I didn’t know what it was,” Hudson said. “I went to follow it down the hall because it didn’t look human, but when I turned the corner all I saw was a tail disappearing through the door.”

Earlier this year, upon the arrival of the new chancellor Patrick Gallagher, The Pittiful News reported the 100% true story that Mr. Gallagher is in fact a lizard person. What Hudson saw was not a lizard, not a man, but THE GALLAGATOR.


Several students have reported strange sightings like Hudson’s, but have brushed them off as casual hallucinations. However, their eyes are not playing tricks on them; the Gallagator is the truth.

When asked if the University of Pittsburgh Chancellor was actually a lizard man living in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning basement, an old man on the street hissed and spat onto the pavement.

Though halloween has passed, be wary of any mysterious shadows or figures. It could be nothing. It could be your mom. Or it just might be…the Gallagator.