“Nasty Woman” And 6 Other Donald Trump Phrases to Use in Interviews

By Shannon Kelly

“Please describe yourself.” It’s one of the first things employers ask in an interview, but how to do you convey all of who you are in mere words? Let’s take note from Donald himself.Image result for donald trump stupid smug face


  1. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Perfect if you’re applying to any retail position! They want to know you have limits, and regular people can push them.
  2. “A very good brain.” Business professionals take note! This business-man didn’t get to the position he’s in by not just coming right out and saying how smart he is.
  3. “I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” This is the most obvious one. Get it out of the way as early as possible.
  4. “A nasty woman” A classic. You’re Nasty—that’s your brand. Make sure employers know what they’re getting into when they hire you.
  5. “I know Russia well—I had a major event in Russia two or three years ago. Miss Universe contest, which was a big, big incredible event—an incredible success” It’s hard for employers to trust your organizing skills, so tell them upfront your history with foreign beauty pageants.
  6. “I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful” This phrase is useful if you get the classic “why are you qualified for this position” question.
  7. “I love Hispanics” This one is a great starter; it shows you’re full of compassion. I would actually start with this phrase even if you’re not prompted to. Handshake then “I love Hispanics”
Advertisements

The New Celebrity Roast

By Jessica SimpsonImage result for roast of james franco

Comedy Central has made the decision to revamp the celebrity roast after the Rob Lowe/Ann Coulter fiasco, and the Pittiful News has the inside scoop on the new show.  James Franco, Gwyneth Paltrow, Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and James Franco have already signed contracts with Comedy Central for the New Celebrity Roast.    

Producers from the Food Network have partnered with Comedy Central in order to redesign the iconic celebrity roast. Celebrities will challenge one another to cook the best roast.  The competition in the kitchen will be much like Masterchef, as professional chefs judge the A-list celebrities and James Franco on their cooking chops.   Before the winner is announced, the celebrities will taste and then critique each other’s dishes, “roast the roast,” if you will.  A rep for Comedy Central explained that it seemed like an appropriate way to continue the spirit of the traditional celebrity roast—the biting jokes—and make it more appealing to a wider range of viewers with legit food.  
The episodes will be divided based on the type of roast the celebrities must cook: Round roast, Chuck roast, Pot Roast, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake.  Sorry I got carried away, there.  More roasts include Bottom Round Roast, Eye of Round Roast, Tenderloin, James Franco, and Pot Roast again because who doesn’t love a darn good pot roast?  Because of the limited amount of roasts, Comedy Central has announced that the New Celebrity Roast will be broadcast as a miniseries beginning on January 7, 2017 at 8/9 CT.   So make a date with your couch and James Franco and get pumped!
If reading this has made you hungry for a roast, please visit

www.epicurious.com/ingredients/all-about-beef-roasts-from-chuck-to-rump-article.

Nation’s Masochists Rally Behind Trump

By Leo Corman
Image result for donald trump angry

As Election Day nears and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump struggles to win the support of many key demographics, one prominent group has continued to back him—masochists. “When most people think of masochists, they only think of physical suffering,” said Alec Pain, a spokesperson for the Society of National Masochists, “But we’re all for emotional suffering too.”
Pain and other masochists feel the same distress and anxiety in response to Trump’s divisive rhetoric as many other Americans—that’s the whole point. “I listen to Trump’s narcissistic, hate-filled speeches, and I’m genuinely worried about the future of our country,” said Pain. “And man, what a rush that is!”
While they agree that Trump is entirely unqualified to become President, most masochists cannot resist the urge to vote for a candidate who will bring them so much pleasure. “Every time I hear him talk about that stupid wall I get a little tingling sensation,” admitted David Ouchy, another member of the SNM. “If he became President, just imagine all of the offensive gaffes, the foreign policy blunders, the vague promises unfulfilled … I’m already aroused just thinking about it!”

Thus while most Americans contemplate November 8th with dread, a few might truly be excited by the results.

An Open(ed) Letter to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

By I. S. Mills

The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.
Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.
Hi Deb,
I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!
I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺
I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.
With love,
Allison

Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!
  1. Candelabra – This one really says you know how to give good head. 
  1. Cobwebs – Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love
  1. A spooky doll – look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes.” He’ll be flattered, and blush.
  1. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” – you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!
  1. A jack-o-lantern – carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other
  1. Some spiders – real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

  1. A casual knife – Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!

Study: Teachers Who Allow Formula Sheets Have Bigger Dicks

By Phil Forrence



A recent study out of the University of Pittsburgh suggests that professors who allow students to use custom formula sheets on math, science, or engineering tests have a heftier endowment than those who do not.


“Well, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Dr. James Townsend. “Just because a professor allows equation sheets on midterms doesn’t necessarily mean he has a larger inseam.” Trends don’t control the reality of the individual, he explained. “In my case though, yeah, I got one swinging peen.”


Dr. Samuel Lincoln is the head of the Computer Engineering department at Pitt. “We should be careful talking about these studies,” said Lincoln. “Correlation isn’t causation. Just because I allow my students a single note card, front and back, for each Micro-Electronics test, doesn’t mean I have a Johnson worth singing about.” There is not necessarily a one to one relationship between allowing flashcards and a large penis. “But if we’re talking specifically about me, yeah, I got one slangin’ bangin’ sex nightmare.”

“It’s actually an old teaching adage that if you allow equation sheets, you might have a more expansive ‘manhood’,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Brooks, professor of chemical engineering at Pitt. “In my experience, that isn’t true 100% of the time.” Here, she implicates anecdotal evidence that not all teachers who help their students out have the aforementioned enhanced state of being. “If we’re talking about me though, I got one enormous hanky-panky stanky love making monstrosity.”

Op/Ed: People I Would Elect Before Donald Trump

By Dan Smith

Image result for hillary clinton and bernie sanders

-Bernie Sanders
-Hillary Clinton
-Elizabeth Warren
-Michelle Obama
-Stephen Colbert
-John Stewart
-Lil B
-John Green
-Kanye West
-Ophelia from Market Central
-Chance the Rapper
-My mom
-Emma Watson
-Vermin Supreme
-Oprah
-Ellen Degeneres
-Leslie Knope
-The hacker from Cyberchase
-Finn the Human
-Alex Trebek
-Literally any cat
-Joe Biden
-Roc the Panther
-Lincoln Chafee
-Jimmy McMillan
-Hulk Hogan
-Steve Harvey
-The moon emoji
-Billy Ray Cyrus
-Bill Murray -Either of the Sprouse twins -Both of the Sprouse twins -Louis C K -Al Gore -A dead squirrel -Morgan Freeman -Beyoncé -Jaden Smith -Bryan Cranston
-John Cena
-An ant farm

Two ant farms