Side Effects of the Newest Medication

iStock_000003170170XSmall-e1546620899276By Tyler Sikov

 

The FDA has just approved a new medication, with some user info. Here are some possible side effects:

  1. Dry mouth
  2. Wet mouth
  3. Blindness
  4. Increased sight
  5. Jazz hands
  6. Droopy face
  7. Uncontrollable smiling
  8. Coughing
  9. Extra lung
  10. Lack of appetite
  11. Increased appetite
  12. Smooth Jazz Syndrome
  13. Death
  14. Reincarnation
  15. Mild-to-severe plaque psoriasis
  16. Cancer
  17. More death
  18. Hearth failure
  19. Heart success
  20. Resurrection
  21. First love
  22. A heartfelt letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation
  23. More pain than you had before taking this medicine
  24. Anything else that could ever possibly happen to anyone who is or is not taking this medicine

Ask your doctor for Jazzatrol!! (Or just look for it on store shelves.)

Pie Flavors That the FDA Doesn’t Want You to Know About

pie-crust-lattice

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Ever wondered what that would taste like? Now’s your chance! Try these pies before the FDA catches on!

  1. Blue raspberry pie
  2. Watermelon LiP SMACKER pie
  3. Dead grandma apple pie – This is real, so basically this girl in sculpture class said her favorite smell was apple pie, like it’s the only thing she eats, but like not any GARBAGE apple pie, no 7/11 apple pie and no Giant Eagle apple pie, none of your mother’s apple pie, I’m talking about the pie her dead grandmother made tons of and froze before she ate the recipe and died
  4. New York City pigeon pie
  5. Pion (a subatomic particle that consists of a quark and an antiquark and is therefore a meson – the lightest one – that has a lifetime of either 26.033 nanoseconds or 84 attoseconds and a mass approximately 270 times that of an electron)
  6. Some sweet, sweet cheddar cheesecake
  7. A tray of Orbeez (any flavor) with whipped cream
  8. An entire pineapple pizza