Things to do while yelling “It’s FALL!!”

By Sonya Acharya

fall

  1. Throw leaves, preferably orange, preferably crunchy
  2. Use a shovel to throw brown wet leaves because autumn rain is a thing
  3. Run through a pumpkin patch
  4. Try to look cute for your seasonal Insta story update when you trip over a pumpkin in said patch
  5. Caption it “Pumpkins or Punkins?” and thank me later
  6. Sip a pumpkin spice latte
  7. Chug that pumpkin-spicy goodness
  8. Go apple picking
  9. Pour scalding cider down your throat. Feel your throat blister
  10. Bake some seasonal goodies
  11. Make a blanket fort, crawl into it, and binge said goodies and some Netflix of your choice
  12. Rip off your tank top to reveal a turtleneck underneath
  13. Move those skeletons from your closet to your front porch (the freezer skeletons can stay till later)
  14. Drape a woolen infinity scarf over your entire body
  15. Pile all your scarves on your bed and burrow into them because you live here now
  16. Drape a white sheet over yourself in order to become a Spook™
  17. Check your boots for spooks before wearing them even though it’s eighty degrees outside
  18. Start up an increasingly-loud chant of “This is Halloween!”
  19. Yell “It’s FALL!!!” even louder
  20. Make crinkly noises with the candy wrappers in your pockets

Fall Flavored Drugs

By Megan Kline

A leaf fell, and you know what that means. IT’S FALL! It’s officially the best season of the year, so why not celebrate with some new seasonal flavored drugs? Pre-game those pumpkin patches and apple orchards with the latest and greatest seasonal selections! MMM…Fall sure is addicting!


1. Pumpkin Spice Smack
Yum! Starbucks has nothing on this sweet new flavor, available at your local drug dealer for a limited time only. It’s a favorite!


2. Apple Cinnamon Crank
Hints of cinnamon sticks and aromatic apple in this crystal meth really make losing your teeth taste that much better!
3. Maple Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)
It may look impossible to pronounce, but it tastes just like Mrs. Butterworths Classic Syrup! Delicious!
4. Caramel Apple A-bomb
Drizzle your marijuana cigarettes with heroin, opium, acid, and a touch of caramel! You don’t even have to bite into this one!  
5. Butternut Squash Sativa
A savory cannabis, squash really livens up this cool plant, and makes for a warm and fulfilling and savory drug! A treat for all! Have it as a side-dish at your next dinner party!
6. Nutmeg Nubs

Peyote with a dash of nutmeg? Sold! This is a classic, and studies show nutmeg can even help speed up your metabolism while you hallucinate an eternal fall. Amazing health benefits!