#WhoIsShe

By Elisa Ogot
miss ben.jpgNo. That can’t be….Miss Ben Roethlisberger?? Look at the miracles a slim cut suit can perform. Fashion. Giving you just “hopped off a plane at LAX” realness. Fashion. Except that he’s getting onto a plane. FASHION. And it’s the Pittsburgh International Airport. YES THOSE GRAY SLABS BETTER WORK!! They are delivering a uniform tone to y’all. Setting up a COLOR. PALETTE.
I’d like to take a second to also acknowledge Mr. North Face simply strutting his way through the background. He is a jetsetter! He does not have time for any of this! He just got off work and had to scramble from RIDC Industrial Park to board this jet because like Shia Lebouf preached in Wall Street 2, money never sleeps hoe!! With his Giant Eagle S/S 16 plastic tote in tow….SIR.

But back to Ben, he is letting you know what time of year it is with this knit scarf that he has got draped around himself. Draped, not tied. He is giving you access to the other accents of this look–the powder blue dress shirt and complimentary colored tie–with this drapery. Miss Ben said “What the fuck I look like?? Someone who is going to craft a look like this and not have every facet be on display?? Come on, bitch.” No, you come on bitch!! Come on with that windswept Casablanca ass hairdo bidding us adieu from ev-er-y angle!! So much so that even Ben herself has to clutch her pearls. The drama of it all!! It’s too much for even me to handle, girl.

Local Student Stabs Classmate After He Burps in Her Face

By Elisa Ogot

The following is a transcript of an interview with Pittsburgh University student, Brittany Howard from within the walls of the Allegheny County Jail where she is currently awaiting trial for stabbing her classmate, Jason Stewart, seemingly without cause.

Pittiful News: Hello Brittany. How are you holding up?

Brittany Howard: This place is actually really nice, it’s like a hotel. I’m doing great. I’m making friends, my parents have set up a commissary account…

PN: Okay, let’s cut the crap. Why did you do it?

BH: I had taken one step out of my dorm. ONE STEP. And this kid–

PN: Jason Stewart?

BH: Who?

PN: The student you stabbed.

BH: Oh, I don’t know that kid’s name.

PN: So you just–

BH: YEAH, I DID. I’VE NEVER MET THE KID IT WAS JUST ON SIGHT. I HAD BEEN AWAKE FOR FIVE, COUNT ‘EM FIVE MINUTES. I WAS LATE AND I RAN DOWN THE STAIRS. I BUSTED OUT OF THE DOORS OF MY DORM AND HE TURNED AND BURPED RIGHT IN MY FACE!! MY MOUTH WAS OPEN, HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN, AND HE BLEW HIS POST-DIGESTIVE PROCESS FOOD GAS RIGHT IN ME!! SO, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK. IT WAS INSTINCTUAL. I WHIPPED OUT MY POCKET KNIFE AND STABBED HIM RIGHT IN HIS GODDAMN WINDPIPE. MAYBE NEXT. TIME. HE WILL THINK TWICE ABOUT SPEWING THAT NOXIOUS GAS ANY. WHERE. EVEN CLOSE TO MY GENERAL DIRECTION. MAYBE NOW EVERY TIME HE BREATHES IN AND A LITTLE BIT OF AIR WHISTLES OUT THROUGH WHERE I PIERCED HIS FLESH HE’LL REMEMBER TO HAVE A MODICUM OF FUCKING DECENCY. MAYBE NOW HE’LL COVER HIS GODDAMN BLOWHOLE FROM TODAY UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Brittany had to be restrained after this point in our conversation. Four armed guards rushed out and tried to pull her away from the glass, but she pulled out what appeared to be a switchblade and took two of them out before they tackled her to the ground. How she was even able to get her hands on  a switchblade…we might never know.