What we did with an extra day

persistenceofmemory1931

By the writers of the Pittiful News

(Abby, Eric, Sonya, Tyler, Zach, Pittiful News Writer #7)

So we got an extra day but then we had an hour taken away but we always manage to have fun anyway!

  1. I body swapped with John Mulaney and hosted Saturday Night Live!
  2. I had to console my roommate over Ferb’s body shape.
  3. I had some tea.
  4. I took a moment of remembrance for Mao Zedong’s Second Five Year Plan, also known as the Great Leap Forward.
  5. I made random noises for three hours while playing games.
  6. I remarried my divorced husband.
  7. I lost 2 karma on Reddit.
  8. I really wanted chips and queso so I went to Chipotle even though my roommate told me not to because there was a line out the door, and I wanted to leave when I saw how long the line was but this girl I don’t like got in line behind me so then I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to look weak, so I waited for thirty minutes and them they didn’t even have chips and so I sadly ordered a burrito bowl but it was without corn because they were out of that too (and corn’s my favorite part), and then I put too much Tabasco on it because the girl I don’t like was also putting Tabasco on her food and again, I had to assert my dominance.
  9. I put on socks.
  10. I went to Chipotle. It was OK.

Couple Who Shares the Same Friend Group Breaks Up, Custody Battle Ensues

By Megan Klein


Two days ago, Juniors James Moore and Kelly Adams split. In what may be coined, “The Worst Break-Up of This Week,” a couple who actively shares the same friend group is now faced with a lengthy custody battle over who gets the friends. A series of passive aggressive and overdramatic sub-tweets about each other was discovered.



The Pittiful News learned that a custody agreement may or may not be in the works. After James drunkenly made an appearance at Kelly’s ABC party (Anything But Clothes), and belligerently asked to “slap all the bitches,” he asked Kelly to be, “Friends With Benefits Casual Exclusive.” An unnamed source confirms, “James still loves Kelly. But she already slept with two of his three roommates and her hot Natural Disasters TA, who told her that she’s def ‘getting an A+’ in the class.”


This unfortunate circumstance may become an even split between genders in the friend group, minus James’s super cute friend Kate, who has consistently been close with James in what they call, “just best friends,” and “just like siblings!”


Kelly has adamantly claimed extra Chipotle support for the multiple times she dealt with him “not texting back,” or for taking care of him that time he ate shrooms, and ran through South O. stark naked, shouting, “Fuck the Police!” and, “The Bees! Not the Bees!”
At the time of press, neither  James nor his “Pre-Law” representative responded for comment.