I was in Cancun this week

By Lord Tyler Sikov

No description available.

               I was in Cancun this week. I don’t know how I got here but hey, I’m gonna live it up while I search for clues. Many people don’t know this but Cancun is in Argentina, you know where Maria from West Side Story immigrated from. As they say in their native tongue Bon Jour or more commonly Bon Jovi. It is nice and warm here, there are palm trees everywhere and a bunch of hot chicks and babes. That is what I call the parrots and baby raccoons that roam the streets. All of those are great things, but there is one thing that I don’t like about being here. I keep seeing Ted Cruz.

               I am not joking; he is everywhere I go. It is like he is following me. Every time I look in the mirror he is right there. This has of course put a damper on my surprise vacation but I have been working hard to distance myself from him. I found these two little girls who were out of school so I decided to chaperone them while they were at the beach. This was the most peaceful time of my trip because I left my phone inside the hotel room that was booked in Ted Cruz’s name. I am constantly getting messages about how Ted Cruz is being bad. I don’t remember following him on twitter or turning on my notifications for when he is mentioned. Come to think of it I don’t remember making a twitter. But my having a twitter is beside the point because apparently Ted is doing a poor job helping Texas.

               I don’t know much about Texas, I have only been there once and that was the time I was on the lamb with Bugs Bunny, long story. I decided to look into what was happening in Texas, to do so I had to open twitter. When I did, I noticed that I had missed a bunch of messages from ‘@realdonaldtrump’ telling me how ugly my wife is. This shocked me because I was keeping my engagement to my cousin’s hamster a secret, I told like 2 people that we eloped. Other than that, I noticed that there is a big snow storm in Texas, and like all over the country. Right then I got a call from someone claiming to be my publicist and telling me that I need to give a statement about why I took a trip so I told her “I would never leave Texas during such a difficult time unless it was of the utmost importance. And it was. I had just seen Coco and wanted to see if it was true. If skeletons were real. If guitars were real. I had to know”. 

               Once I was off that impromptu phone call I went and checked my email and got an email from Rush (his email was rushianhack3r@conservativesrock.gov), it said “Hey Teddy Bear, great job on that insurrection, you really gave our lizard overlords a run for their money. Yours forever, Mount Rushmore”. I find it endearing that the zodiac killer has such a cute nickname. Right then everything clicked. The reason why I was suddenly in the same place that everyone says Ted Cruz is, why he always appears when I look in the mirror, why I seem to have Ted Cruz’s phone, why I am in Ted Cruz’s body, why I have been sleeping with his very ugly wife and spending so much time with his 2 daughters. I must be on some undercover top-secret mission for some foreign government, either that or I have somehow freaky Friday-ed into ted Cruz’s body, either way this article will self-destruct in

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Good bye

-Ted “The Zodiac Killer” Cruz

Kung Fu Master Tired of Random Challenges

By John Meyer

Local martial arts champion and hero Tony Kalinski has expressed frustration at the flurry of random physical challenges imposed on him after being chosen to represent Western Pennsylvania at this year’s Mid-Atlantic Kung-Fu Extravaganza!

In only the past four days, Kalinski has been challenged or randomly assaulted a total of 33 times, mostly in places that he describes as “full of expensive and breakable stuff.” The assaults have occurred at all hours of the day, ranging from simple fist-to-fist challenges to more elaborate ambushes.

Fortunately, none of the challenges have been particularly trying for the martial artist. “It’s pretty weird, because a lot of times there will be like 20 guys that surround me, but they all come one at a time, so it’s not that hard,” Kalinski remarked. “If they would all rush me at once, I couldn’t handle them, but since they never do that, I win every time.”


According to Kalinski, regional qualifiers in martial arts tournaments are often subjected to months of challenges from other disgruntled fighters who were not deemed worthy to enter the tournament. “It’s actually a pretty cool system, because the winner constantly has to prove himself,” he explained. “At the same time, though, it would be nice if we had some kind of quiet hours rule. I mean, when I’m watching ‘Bad Judge’ or ‘George of the Jungle 2: Rhino’s Revenge, the last thing I want is to have to throw another dude through my newly-repaired window.”

Other challengers are less sympathetic, however. “I qualified for state wrestling tournament in my senior year of high school, and I think that merits some consideration,” explained local cobbler Cuba Gooding Jr II. “So I’m gonna keep coming back until he taps out.” When asked why he was licking his lips, Mr. Gooding Jr. II yelled, “that’s none of your damn business!”

When asked about his opinions in relation to Kalinski’s situation, local ghost Abraham Crawford screeched, “booooooooooo!” and then “why are you asking me this question?”

As of press time, Kalinski threw kicked two men in the face at once and then stared at another guy until he ran away.