What we are going to Wish for on the Wishbone this Thanksgiving

By the writers of the Pittiful News

85 best Snoopy images on Pinterest | Peanuts characters ...
  • Happiness 
    • I’d settle for any emotion though. I just want to feel something. 
  • Herlock Sholmes
  • Stockholmes Syndrome
  • Riverdale to be cancelled  
  • For shifting realities to be real so I can live out my script of living in a suburb of Las Vegas with my problematic fav, Brendon Urie 
  • For them to make really good vegetarian chicken wings that taste like the real thing. I miss chicken wings.  
  • To be able to have had my gay awakening at a Lizzo concert 
  • Mom and Dad to stop fighting  
  • A Spencer Reid spinoff series
  • All I want for Thanksgiving is you
  • Parents that are down for a ketamine hole 
  • Someone to hold my hand  
  • Someone who understands me
  • A coronavirus vaccine in the form of a chewy vitamin
  • Doc martins to go out of style and easy slip on slip off shoes to come back 
  • Wish for more cats like I do every year
  • Wish that less turkeys will die next year
    • This wish will be made on a tofurky bone
  • Good food, Thanksgiving food sucks, I need some actually good food or I will die, and you will die with me
  • Soup, I am a simple man, with simple needs, I just want soup.  
  • For Bella Hadid to stop existing so I can go back to being happy
  • A cool pair of socks :) 
  • Everyone to stop aggressively hating my doppelganger, Joey King for no reason. I can’t help but take it personally. 
  • Canned peas, not warmed
  • For Joe Biden to respond to my request to interview him
  • To wrestle with Dwayne the Rock Johnson
  • Help on my math homework, i need to get my scientific calculator say more funny non boob related words
    • 455 looks like *ss
  • For society at large to realize that calories are a social construct and definitely not a unit of energy involved in the laws of thermodynamics
  • To find $15 dollars in my coat pocket  
  • A dealer to fall in love with me so I don’t have to pay for oui’d 
  • Less gun deaths, idk guys that was a throwaway
  • My final papers to be written for me as I just look at my phone for 6 hours a day instead of putting in any effort at all
  • J.K. Rowling to stop being a transphobe so I can openly enjoy Harry Potter again. 
  • For our reptilian overlords to put us out of our collective misery
  • For people to stop believing that we are ruled by reptilian overlords. 
  • For less militias to patrol the streets so we can go back to the good old days of gang violence.  
  • For men to stop waking up and choosing violence 
  • The trial of Will Scheuster to finally happen. He must pay for his sins. 
  • Another wishbone
    • With which I will wish for another
      • And another
        • And another
          • And so on
            • Forever
              • Best wish ever
  • Gen-z to shut up about how great gen-z is. 
  • Charli to reach 100 million followers on tik tok. Idk I’m just rooting for her. 
  • A meghan trainor christmas album…wait, that wish came true! A Very Trainor Christmas is now available on all streaming platforms. 
  • A real life cat girl 

The New Celebrity Roast

By Jessica SimpsonImage result for roast of james franco

Comedy Central has made the decision to revamp the celebrity roast after the Rob Lowe/Ann Coulter fiasco, and the Pittiful News has the inside scoop on the new show.  James Franco, Gwyneth Paltrow, Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and James Franco have already signed contracts with Comedy Central for the New Celebrity Roast.    

Producers from the Food Network have partnered with Comedy Central in order to redesign the iconic celebrity roast. Celebrities will challenge one another to cook the best roast.  The competition in the kitchen will be much like Masterchef, as professional chefs judge the A-list celebrities and James Franco on their cooking chops.   Before the winner is announced, the celebrities will taste and then critique each other’s dishes, “roast the roast,” if you will.  A rep for Comedy Central explained that it seemed like an appropriate way to continue the spirit of the traditional celebrity roast—the biting jokes—and make it more appealing to a wider range of viewers with legit food.  
The episodes will be divided based on the type of roast the celebrities must cook: Round roast, Chuck roast, Pot Roast, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice, Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake.  Sorry I got carried away, there.  More roasts include Bottom Round Roast, Eye of Round Roast, Tenderloin, James Franco, and Pot Roast again because who doesn’t love a darn good pot roast?  Because of the limited amount of roasts, Comedy Central has announced that the New Celebrity Roast will be broadcast as a miniseries beginning on January 7, 2017 at 8/9 CT.   So make a date with your couch and James Franco and get pumped!
If reading this has made you hungry for a roast, please visit

www.epicurious.com/ingredients/all-about-beef-roasts-from-chuck-to-rump-article.