How I got banned from Chuck E Cheese

By Tyler Sikov

Before I start this story, I would like to mention that this happened before we were all trapped inside of our houses all day long. Now that that disclaimer is out of the way I will tell you why I was at Chuck E Cheese. I was doing my normal weekend routine of going to places populated by children and just hanging out. This weekend was particularly hard on my because my girlfriend, who is also my cousin’s hamster, broke up with me. We have only been dating about a month but that is like 30 years in hamster time. Because of this sad event happening I needed a bit more cheering up so I go to Chuck E Cheese.

               I went to Chuck E Cheese a number of times while I was a kid and I always enjoyed it. Now at the end of my life, early 20s, I wanted to play some more games before I am gone. By play games I obviously mean cheat. I would stand on the ski ball machines and just drop the balls into the highest point goal, I won many tickets. As a person who is the same age as many of the workers I could pass as one of them so no one questioned why I would be opening up all of the machines or taking prizes from the shelves and putting them into my car.

               Once I was done playing the games, I went over to listen to some music but it was not nearly hype enough. I had to do something about this. So, I go and reprogram the band to play WAP. I knew that the band could not hype up the crowd without some help so I jump on stage and start shredding this song. Right at the end of the song I stage dive into the crowd of adoring fans. I neglected to notice that all of my fans were 6-year-olds so I squished a few of them but that is fine, their parents can always make more without too long of a setback.

               I leave the music zone and go head towards the big pot of peas. I always love eating these multi colored peas that you need to take your shoes off before getting into the pot. I also love that there are many kids always swimming around in this big bowl, they add a bit of extra flavor to this rainbow pea soup. After eating most of the peas I am still hungry so I head to the salad bar and start eating many of the different dishes. After eating a bunch of plates and bowl I make myself two salads, the first I put on a plate for now and the other I pour into the trench coat I have been wearing the entire time in this establishment. I have also been wearing a top hat, a monocle, holding a cane and in a Mr. peanut costume.

               As I have to feed the 12 tape worms I keep safely in my stomach I am still hungry after that. I decide to go over and pick up a small child and eat him. He was surprisingly tasty, I had never eaten a person before, but I mean aren’t kids just appetizer people. I was getting some strange looks at this point so I decide to go and eat several more children in the tube climbing structure. Luckily once I get up there, they have no escape so I fill up on these small children.

               Once I get down from the climbing structure an employee comes up and asks me what child I brought with me. I tell him I just ate several kids and he told me he did not care, but that I needed to have a kid to come to Chuck E Cheese. I did not want to leave so I regurgitated a child and tossed him through a nearby window. I then shape shifted into Slenderman and siphoned the gas out of everyone else’s cars and filled up Chuck E Cheese with gasoline, lit it on fire and drove off. When I got home Chuck E Cheese himself appearing outside my window telling me I could not step foot in a Chuck E Cheese ever again. He should have been more specific because I went to another Chuck E Cheese and levitated all around the place. The night after I got back from my levitation, he showed up again and told me he was impressed by my chaotic energy and told me that I was banned from coming back to Chuck E Cheese ever again. I asked him what was stopping me and he removed his mascot head to reveal that he was actually Danny DeVito on Stilts. I bowed down before his majesty and have not been back to Chuck E Cheese ever since.

I wore green today.

11283

By Eric Brinling

I wore green today. Well, technically it was yesterday, but literally right now it is 12:00 am so really it feels like today. 

I wore green. I’ve never worn green before. I always thought it was an inferior color. Typically I dress in shades of grey and blue, for the express purpose of blending into the sky whether the day is clear or cloudy (I am rather tall in comparison to most people). Sometimes I dress in blacks or reds, but only when I feel like blending into the night or a pool filled with blood (or fruit punch). My favorite color is orange, but I rarely wear it, lest I be mistaken for a Buddhist monk. Purple is scary.

But today I wore green. It started when I looked in my drawer, and saw a green shirt. I thought to myself, “Do I own a green shirt?” and I could only assume the answer was “Yes, Eric, you do own a green shirt,” because there was, in fact, a green shirt in my drawer. 

Then I looked in my other drawer, the one with the pants. There were green pants in there. They were like jeans, but green. I called them greans. The presence of the greans was interesting, because I don’t own greans. Or I didn’t, but now I do. 

I hadn’t even touched the green shirt or the greans, but suddenly they were on me. I hadn’t been wearing socks a moment ago, but now I was, and they, too, were green. I grew frightened, and with shaking hands I unzipped the zipper on the greans to find that my boxers, too, were green. 

I thought about changing, but I was too busy not wanting to do that, so I decided instead to just put up with my new wardrobe. I put on my (newly green) shoes and exited the building. I stayed on the sidewalk, for fear that the small patches of grass might think of me as one of their own and swallow me whole before I got the chance to explore other career options as a green-clad man. 

As I walked down the street, people began to stare. I thought perhaps I had something in my teeth, but then I remembered that I was dressed entirely in green, and that might draw some attention. I passed some trees, and thought about becoming a leaf, but I thought better of it. Leaves have a frighteningly short lifespan.

Something green on the ground caught my eye. It was a dollar! It was then that I resolved to become paper currency, which in America is conveniently green. I walked up to the nearest old woman and snuck into her purse. Merely three days later she shoved me into the slot of a vending machine, and in exchange she received a bag of split pea soup.