How the Pittiful News is a cult right now

By Tyler Sikov

At the beginning of every meeting we are reminded that the Pittiful News is not a cult, but this is not true. The Pittiful News is a cult. Here are some reasons we are a cult:

  1. We meet at the same time every week
  2. We sometimes have people who stop showing up to meetings, and once they disgrace our group, they are never heard from again
  3. We aggressively advertise ourselves to others
  4. We have unorthodox opinions on things, such as our continuing discussion of if the sun is a soup
  5. We perform bi-weekly blood sacrifices to Gallaghator
  6. We have eccentric leaders
  7. We sit in a circle
  8. We entrap people into coming to future meetings with the promise of pickles, but we hardly ever deliver on our promise
  9. We have a weekly agenda written by our previously mentioned eccentric leaders, and this agenda is followed to the letter
  10. We welcome death like it is an old friend
  11. We scored a 100% on the International Cultic Studies Association’s “Is your organization a cult?” test and the Buzzfeed “Are you in a cult” quiz (and those are real)
  12. We are the first link that comes up when I google “cult”
  13. We chant these 13 “We’s” at the beginning and end of every meeting

Top Ten Top Ten Lists

By Hannah Lynn
No one can resist a good listicle. But what a listicle made of listicles? We live in the future and the world is a nightmare! Anyway, enjoy.

10. Buzzfeed’s Top Ten Jennifer Aniston Hairstyles of 2002
9. Cosmopolitan’s Top Ten 10 Sex Tips Your Dog Will Love
8.  Goop’s Top Ten Kombucha Brands You Can’t Find in Stores
7. Billboard’s Top Ten Songs of 1852

6. Pitchfork’s Top Ten Tweets About Kanye’s Leather T-Shirt
5. US Weekly’s Top Ten People That Don’t Belong at the Grammys
4. Rolling Stone’s Top Ten Pictures of Bruce Springsteen’s Butt in Jeans
3. Buzzfeed’s Top Ten Unlikely Animal Friend Pairings
2. Time Magazine’s Top Ten Complaints Old People Have About Millennials 
1. Pitchfork’s Top Ten Bands That Don’t Exist Yet