Brad: a Love Story

By Sarah Yule

Wear Bright Colors If You Want A Tinder Date

I was fresh on the scene of Tinder when it happened.  Desperately swiping through Pittsburgh plugs to find my husband-to-be, I got a notification on Instagram.  Alarmed because I never use the app other than to hate-watch the feeds of Bella Hadid and the like, I clicked on the notification banner with fear in my heart.  As it turns out, I had reached a milestone in my journey to desirability: I may never match with a single soul on Tinder, but someone had finally slid into my DMs!

Sure that my Prince Charming was on the other side of this message thread, I sent a reply right away, before even really reading what he had written; his name was Brad, and that was enough for me.  I wrote something along the lines of “Hey there ;) wanna know what I’m wearing??” 

Then I read the message.

My basically-fiancee had initially sent me this: “Hi! I was wondering if you were willing to put your name down to back the red this November.”  And that was it.  No winky-face, no “u up?”.  Nothing.  Nada.  I had no butterflies in my stomach.  Just questions.  A metric fuck-ton of questions.  

First-off, was this Brad guy referring to the hammer-and-sickle type of “red” or the go-back-to-where-you-came-from kind?  The two are quite different, but I’m not sure I’d fancy romantic involvement with either, even at this juncture in my desperation.  Secondly, what on my feed would lead Mr. Brad to believe that I would in fact want to “back the red”?  Was it the pictures of my cats? If so, which ones? Which cat? I concluded that reading too far into Brad’s inquiry would open a can of worms that would kill any chance of romance between us, so I just kept up my side of the one-sided flirtation, saying “My roommate is away for the weekend ;))”.  You see, Brad was all about making the first move when it came to winning a vote on Nov. 3, but now that I was ready to go all-in for him, he was nowhere to be seen.  I called him out on this inability to commit and again, nothing in response.  

I was just about fed up with my communist/republican e-boyfriend at this point, and I went back to my DMs to break it off.  That was when I saw that Brad’s messages to me had disappeared.  Similarly, his account wouldn’t show up when I searched for it either.  Even worse, my WhitePages Premium search came up empty as well.  I guess my cyber-lover had come to terms with his hypocrisy and made the decision to deplatform himself.  I can only applaud that choice on Brad’s end, but I am left with the question of what could’ve been to ponder for the rest of my days.  I guess it’s back to Tinder for me, wish me luck!

Borat: An Honest Review

borat

By Abby Stoudt

I have never seen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, but I do have a lot of opinions about it. 99% of my knowledge about the movie’s plot is non-existent the other 1% comes from knowing two words from the entire movie. I literally have no idea about what this movie could be about

Actually, I know so little about the movie that I don’t even know what Borat looks like. In my head he looks like Mr. Bean but he also has a mustache. I don’t want to know what he actually looks like because that would ruin the magic of never seeing the movie. I think that I could possibly go the rest of my life without seeing Borat, and I’d probably be okay with that. 

That plot twist that happened an hour and 12 minutes in completely blew my mind! I couldn’t believe what I was watching! (I am completely assuming that there was a plot twist because of course, I have never actually seen Borat.)

Personally, I think that my favorite part of Borat was when he said “my wife” in a funny accent. I thought it was hilarious. I still laugh about it to this day whenever I think about it too hard. I would also like to be super honest here and say that I actually haven’t heard the guy from Borat say “my wife,” but I have heard a lot of people do impressions of that line and I always think it’s pretty funny. Well, I get the reference at least. I don’t think that I have ever laughed when I’ve heard someone do a Borat impression.

I don’t know how long Borat is, but I don’t know how I would be able to watch it. However long it takes before he actually says “my wife” would be agonizing. I feel like I would be on the edge of my seat waiting for the pinnacle line. Whatever happens after that would be disappointing because it would be after the movie’s peak. 

Overall, I think Borat was a pretty good movie. You should watch it if you ever get the chance. I know I won’t! 

Official rating – 5 out of 5 stars