Everything We Know About This Year’s iPhone

By Zach Hartman

iphone-x-54

Apple is rumored to have announced this year’s iteration of the iPhone at their event earlier today. Usually the content of these announcements is a tightly-kept secret until much after the event. We at The Pittiful News, however, have compiled some information about what we think will be announced through various rumors, leaks, and predictions. Here’s what we know:

  • It’ll be shiny
  • It will be made of metal and glass
  • You can call people on it
  • Maybe even text them too
  • It’ll have apps
  • And probably a screen of some sort
  • And at least one camera
  • It will have a battery life
  • It will support AirPods so you can continue to flex on the hoes
  • Siri is still a bitch
  • You already want it, but can’t afford it
  • It comes in a box
  • It also comes with Apple stickers
  • It has a fruit on the back, but do not eat it.
  • It gives the use the power of telecommunication
  • You still will never get a signal in the Cathedral

Wow, this year’s iPhone sure sounds like a killer. Isn’t it amazing how fast technology changes? What will Silicon Valley think of next?

Dreams Come True, BITCH

By Jessica Simpson 
Matilda Reve, founder of Dreamscometruebitch101.org, was kind enough to sit down with the Pittiful News and reveal the secrets of her groovy new website.  Ever since Reve was a young girl, she could understand the subconscious. “My neighbor once had a dream that he went to the store and bought three pounds of Swiss cheese.  I just knew that meant he needed to eat more cheese.  There were holes in his diet that he couldn’t see.  He turned out to be a lactose intolerant sex addict but he did visit Switzerland. It’s like I have ESP or something,” said Reve.

Unlike Dreams A-Z, or The Dream Dictionary, Dreamscometruebitch101 has a more open forum. Anyone can share their dreams, however specific, and Reve will personally interpret it for a reasonable fee of $19.99 per letter. According to Reve it’s common knowledge that certain dreams should be taken literally.   For example, if you had a dream that you were stranded in the middle of the ocean and eaten by a shark, Reve would advise you carry a lifejacket at all times and stay away from oceans, lakes, and pools. Or let’s say you have a dream that all of your teeth fall out.  Reve recommends visiting a dentist.  Cavities and gingivitis could one day render you toothless, and looking like Popeye isn’t in vogue these days.

However Reve does favor a Freudian approach to dream interpretation.  As taken from the website, if you dream about anything phallic shaped: a banana, a pencil, your dachshund named Oscar—your subconscious could be dicktating your real desires.  Don’t worry, you’re not nuts.   Reve is just trying to point you in the right d-erection.  So go follow your dreams, take a nap.  In the words of Mike Tyson, “I have to dream and reach for the stars, and if I miss a star then I grab a handful of clouds.”