sUggestions For activIties To Do On halloween If You don’t want To Get covid

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  1. Get dressed up and sit on your xl twin bed and call your mom and cry.  
  2. Virtual trick or treating. Don’t ask how it works.
  3. Drop out of college to scare your parents!
  4. Come to the Cathedral lawn and take one (1) instagram photo with Pittiful News writer Sarah Yule so her parents will think she made friends at college this semester.  Wear a mask, vigorous use of the Facetune “reshape” tool before posting is required. 
  5. Watch “Jonas Brothers: The Tale of the Haunted Firehouse” and make a Pinterest board dedicated to the JoBros’ TV dad.  If time is an issue, here’s the link to mine:  Link
  6. Disinfecting candy you bought from target  
  7. Sit.
  8. Stay.
  9. Good boy. 
  10. Get violently drunk with the dude who sleeps next to the dunkin on forbes 
  11. Use a ouija board to open up a portal to the demon world because maybe there’s no social distancing there. 
  12. Participate in Panther central’s fun virtual halloween activities! (SIKE nobody does those)
  13. Go on tinder. It’s scarier than any horror movie. 
  14. Make your own “haunted” house: it is as easy as just putting up a few spider webs and using some glitter!
  15. Make your own haunted house: kill someone!
  16. Make a list of your favorite forms of frozen potatoes.  It’s like a gratitude list but it’ll make your loved ones ask if you’re alright.  And you’ve been hoping they would.  Happy Halloween!
  17. Get all gussied up in your guise, take one selfie for your instagram, then take it off.
  18. Recreate your favorite scene from your favorite horror movie! I like the part from The Shining with that old lady in the bathtub. I’ll be Jack Nicholson, who wants to be my better half?
  19. Fall in love with a handsome small town stranger who works at the lodge you just inherited from a distant cousin.
  20. Talk to a girl. Spine tingling!
  21. Make a diy potion that’s actually just lean 
  22. A jungle juice-esque concoction of melting together candy corn, Twizzlers, raisins, and Svedka.
  23. Take shots until you are ok with hooking up with your roommates; I am looking at you Stella, we should play this just the 2 of us
  24. Remind all of your friends to vote! If you don’t, there will be consequences.
  25. Chow down on some edibles, but it’s actually just regular Nerds Rope. They have pretty much the same effect.
  26. Listen to One Direction’s complete discography (It only takes 5 hours and some change) and think about how you will never be able to feel the feelings you felt when you heard those songs for the first time.  Also sob about Zayn leaving.  You and I both know you aren’t over it.  
  27. The presence of death annihilates all that is imaginary. We are the offspring of death and death delivers us from the tantalizing, fraudulent attractions of life; it is death that beckons us from the depths of life. If at times we come to a halt, we do so to hear the call of death… Throughout our lives, the finger of death points at us.
  28. Read a spooky book! Might I recommend Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or Astrid Lindgren’s Pippi Longstocking?
  29. Redownload Wattpad. Or, more likely if you’re on our site reading this article, just open the app.  You never deleted it, and that’s okay! HarryxLouis fanfics are a timeless artform.  
  30. Reminisce about the time when the world turned against Taylor Swift and chose team Kanye; terrifying!
  31. gnjnuj;aevbfdmnlk vfv
  32. Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear satan, happy birthday to you.
  33. Watch the office for the like a hundredth time this month
  34. Go on Omegle; think of all of the unexpected penises as jumpscares in a haunted house!
  35. Cower in the corner, for you feel so alone, and the truest fright of all is that you will die without anybody to grieve your passing.
  36. If you want a really scary costume idea, dress up as your 7th grade self. 
  37. Watch Glee! Nothing says horror quite like Matthew Morrision singing the thong song.  
  38. Leave the cute boy in your calc class’ halloween party in tears because he got back together with his ex, who you just became friends with. This is exceptionally upsetting because she promised to help you get with him. Next, tearfully run to meet up with your two artsy outcasts friends who are watching a horror movie in their garage and accidentally scare them when you walk in. Tell them what happened and devise a plan to take down the head plastic of your high school. 
  39. Sing pop country so all your friends will leave you
  40. Eat last years halloween candy that you hid so that thief ROBIN URCANDY would not steal it

Suggestions for what to do if you want to get covid

  1. Go to Brad’s makeout party and kiss Stacy, she is a medical miracle as she has gotten mono multiple times

Pull Off the Perfect Scam on April Fools’ Day!

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By Zach Hartman

Start by setting up a false identity as the son of a new car salesman. Use it to trick the hosts of a popular web show into running a sweepstakes, where they’ll give away a new car which your father will provide to the first contestant who answers a riddle correctly. Enter the sweepstakes as your real identity and win, since unbeknownst to them, you set up the whole thing and already know the right answer. The horse’s name was Friday!

Now the hosts of the web show will be forced to buy you a car, since they won’t actually have one because the sweepstakes was fake. The LCC will have to shut down their website for false advertising (which was your real motive all along since they’re your arch-nemeses and it’s been your lifetime dream to get their show off the web ever since the one host rejected you). But! Luckily for them, the web show star’s brother is a fan of Galaxy Wars and happens to have just purchased a Proton Cruiser (which he was disappointed to find is actually a replica). They can solve both of their problems and combine the two stories brilliantly by giving you the Proton Cruiser!

It is technically a “new car” after all, having never been state-registered before, and it’s able to travel under its own power at a speed of 25 miles per hour. And there you go, you’ve successfully scammed some high-schoolers out of a Proton Cruiser replica!