Songs That the Pittiful News Writers Have Stuck In Their Heads Right Now

By: the writers of the Pittiful News 

Try and match the songs with the writers! (email us with your results at pittifulnews@gmail.com, subject line fw:fw:fw: Cousin Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah and how the left is destroying the world) 

  1. The hollow ringing sound of putting my metal straw into my metal tumbler in the middle of the night when I’m trying to not wake my roommate up as I have my midnight skim milk 
  2. Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
  3. King Tut by Steve Martin
  4. WAP (Medieval Remix)
  5. Tequila by The Champs
  6. O Canada sung by Fergie (if at first you don’t succeed…)
  7. A low beating from inside the walls, as if someone were begging to be let out. 
  8. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet
  9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, but every line ends with sponge cake
  10. Brick House by the Commodores
  11. The Kill Bill sirens
  12. Soulja Boy’s 2008 hit, Kiss Me Thru The Phone, but only the phone number part
  13. The Weenie Man song
  14. Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffett
  15. It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere by Jimmy Buffett
  16. *ominous Latin chanting*
  17. Two Trucks
  18. A horde of local theater kids’ rendition of Seasons of Love from RENT
  19. The sirens in the background of Bonfire by Childish Gambino. No, mom, this doesn’t have any deeper meaning.
  20. Atomic Dog by George Clinton (you may know this little ditty from the cinematic masterpiece that is Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde)
  21. lofi hip hop radio beats to relax/study to
  22. The ear-splitting “YUM” that comes from the speakers at my local Red Robin every 30 minutes
  23. Trap bangers about cocaine as I walk through my majority-white upper class suburb
  24. Sweet Caroline but with the Migos vocals from Carpool Karaoke
  25. Contemporary Christian rock
  26. The sounds of the phone number for the closest pizza place being dialed, only to realize it’s been closed for 40 years
  27. Avatar’s Love, but sad
  28. The concept of a zucchini being thrown at a cat
  29. A math teacher being stabbed multiple times because she said that she could explain something multiple ways but continues to only explain it one way
  30. Yer A Wizard Harry but he keeps saying Harry is more things
  31. I’m A Barbie Girl sung by the Russian military
  32. North Korean accordion music
  33. Any song by Weird Al Yankovic 
  1. Tyler
  2. Abby
  3. Morgan
  4. Ella
  5. Savnah (edited for space)
  6. Evan
  7. Sarah
  8. Eric
  9. Jermy Jordan
  10. Tyler but with a knife in his hand
  11. Ivana Tinkle
  12. Jerry Sandusky’s goldfish
  13. That one Denny’s waitress who gave me extra ranch without asking and I subsequently fell in love with her
  14. Steve Buscemi
  15. Maxamillion Von Hammerslag
  16. Perry the Platypus, sans fedora
  17. Sans Undertale, wearing a fedora
  18. Pittiful News Writer #6
  19. Lionel Richie
  20. Kermit the Frog
  21. Steve Buscemi (but in comic sans) (font changed for formatting purposes)
  22. President Vladimir Putin
  23. KGB leader Vladimir Putin
  24. Ex and Future Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
  25. Once and Future King Pladimir Vutin
  26. Legolas Greenleaf
  27. Charles Entertainment Cheese
  28. Tyler, but this time he is talking about empires of the steppe
  29. Tyler, but this time he’s a spider who won the popular vote for president but was then sent to jail, this of course is a possible outcome of the upcoming election, vote Alfred E. Newman for president
  30. Alfred E. Newman
  31. You
  32. Jerry Seinfeld
  33. A Yankee Candle employee

Why I Boycotted the Oscars this Year for the Third Time in a Row

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By Abby Stoudt

It’s Oscar season folks, and once again I boycotted the event. This was my third year in a row refusing to watch the Oscars. In my personal opinion, the Oscars haven’t been worth watching since 2017 when Trolls, the beloved DreamWorks animated film starring Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake, was nominated for best original song and then tragically lost to “La La Land.”

Sure, my opinions on Trolls may be “biased” because I first watched the movie during an “emotionally difficult” time in my life, but I don’t think that this information is relevant. Trolls is a heartwarming, emotional, life-changing movie. No other film franchise had the guts to try and do what Trolls did. What other movie would dare to make the world fall in love with those creepy 80’s toys? What writer would be bold enough to make a character in a children’s movie feel lifelong guilt for causing the death of their grandmother because they were singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler? What other director would choose to use the Gorillaz song “Clint Eastwood” to give background to a whole race of fantasy creatures? The answer is Trolls. They were daring enough to do all of these things and turn it all into a masterpiece, and yet didn’t win an Oscar.

Not to mention, the soundtrack goes off.

Other awards shows that I refuse to watch, after the tragedy of the 2017 awards season, are the American Music Awards, Annie Awards, Billboard Music Awards, Critics’ Choice Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Guild of Music Supervisors Awards, iHeartRadio Music Awards, Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, Satellite Awards, Saturn Awards, St. Louis Gateway Film Critics Association Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and the World Soundtrack Awards. In all, Trolls was nominated for 28 awards and only won 3 that season.

I do not boycott the Grammys, Hollywood Film Awards, or Hollywood Music in Media Awards, however, because all three rightfully awarded Trolls the accolades that it deserves. (It should be noted that for these three awards, Trolls won for “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” the song that lost to “City of Stars” in the 2017 Oscars.)

If the sequel to Trolls, Trolls: World Tour, is nominated for any awards in 2021, I will watch the awards ceremonies for every one of which Trolls is a nominee. I will resume watching any awards show from 2021 on if they give Trolls: World Tour an award, as if 2017 never happened.

Women wear pants to award shows, continue to break barriers

By Hannah Lynn

At the recent Golden Globes award ceremony, multiple women including Lorde and Emma Stone, took a brave stance for women everywhere by wearing pants. No, that was not a typo. Multiple women, famous women, showed up to a public event in which they were photographed many times actually wearing pants.

There is no way to know for sure, but this could very well be the first time a woman has chosen to wear pants in public. Typically, at an awards show, women will wear a long gown of sorts, accompanied by a hamster-sized handbag. But pants opens up a whole new option for a handbag-less look!


“I have no idea who started this trend, but boy did it sweep me off my feet,” said SnapChat awards show correspondent Aidan Kyle.


A dress, first worn by women in the year 700 BC, is a garment that covers the body, but has an opening where the legs are, which is ideal for women during mating season. Pants, which were first invented in 1351, have typically been worn by men, who need full leg coverage while hunting and gathering.


With the Oscars coming up soon, the suspense will only build. What female celebrities will dare to wear pants to the most fashionable night of the year? Will Reese Witherspoon wear pants? Will Quvenzhané Wallis wear pants? Will Emma Stone wear pants AGAIN?

Emma Stone declined to comment on the subject matter, as did Lorde, but her publicist sounded like she was wearing pants over the phone.