The true fake story of the first Pitt student to get COVID-19

By the writers of The Pittiful News, Original Article

😼

At the Pittiful News, we pride ourselves at sharing the truest fake news possible, and as such are completely appalled at the truest true news shared by the Pitt News. We cannot stand to let such seriousness be spread amongst the student body. We NEED to get a little silly. 

And so, we at the Pittiful News would like to present to you, what absolutely did not without a doubt happen to our dear friend Steve Juun during his romantic affair with the novel Coronavirus (in chronological order):

  • He did not need to walk up Cardiac Hill after getting a positive test for a highly infectious disease that makes breathing harder, he got a horse drawn carriage up to the fraternity mansions on Upper Campus.
  • He was given a free t-shirt, which was very soft and very flattering to his figure.
  • He was served a single spoon of mashed potatoes.
  • A free hoverboard was delivered to his door to take him to his online classes.
  • He was given a box of his favorite candy, Sour Patch Kids.
  • The Gallighator hand-delivered him a PS5 but without any games because he sucks.
  • Pitt Dining gave him unlimited dining dollars, ONLY for off-campus use.
  • He was given daily visits from the many therapy animals including but not limited to: rabbits, dogs, cats, birds, mice, cockroaches (unintentionally), and turtles.
  • His student Hulu account (with ads) was upgraded to a more expensive Hulu account (without ads).
  • A small frog fell in love with him and promised to turn into his dream monarch with a single kiss.
  • Pitt paid for a Tinder Gold membership for him.
  • He was canonized by Pope Francis, despite not being dead yet.
  • He was visited by the Sexy Jar Jar Binks that lives on Upper Campus.
  • A personal choir of Christmas carolers moved in to serenade his showers.
  • He was legally adopted by an Olympic medal-winning horse.
  • He was given a starring role in the next Guillermo del Toro movie.
  • He was granted immunity to the common cold.
  • 😼
  • He was given tangle-proof Christmas lights.
  • Robin Williams granted him three genie wishes but allowed him to wish for more wishes.
  • A professional manicurist replaced his fingernails with gold leaf.
  • The reincarnated spirit of George Washington granted him the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
  • Both Queen Elizabeth II of England AND King [REDACTED] of Sweden knighted him for his service.
  • Dean Bonner invited him to his exclusive Honors College orgies.
  • Donald Trump awarded him a small loan of 1 million dollars.
  • Jif Peanut Butter gave him a lifetime supply of peanut butter pre-spread on all his sandwiches, bagels, and pickles.
  • The Department of Housing furnished his dorm with seventeen mattresses (with sheets spun from gold by Rumplestiltskin himself) stacked on top of each other, with a single pea underneath.
  • Tyler moved in (and they were roommates).
  • His new roommate Tyler learned he was immune to COVID.
  • But immediately after, Steve was transferred to a Vegas hotel for his quarantine.
  • The carolers moved with him. Tyler remained in the dorm, but shortly after contracted the common cold and has been promoted to deceased status.
  • His parent (the horse) was flown out to bring him the entirely new set of supplies the Associate Dean had sent out to him.
  • His test turned out to be a false positive, he only had contracted a small cough from his Juul.

Lord Tyler Sikov, Juun’s former roommate, was unavailable for comment when the Pittiful News reached out. 

I Assassinated the President of the United States

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Assassination of Abraham Lincoln - Wikipedia

               Now you may be wondering if I actually assassinated the president. The answer is yes. I assassinated Abraham Lincoln. You may be thinking, no, John Wilkes Booth killed Abraham Lincoln. You would be wrong. John Wilkes Booth is an anagram of my name, Lord Tyler Sikov. I have hidden my true identity for a long time. There are many reasons why. As many of you know, I shot the president in the back of the head and then jumped out of the balcony in Ford’s theater. I did sprain my ankle but I got away and changed into one of the costumes from the play.

               I escaped and I was in the clear until that idiot Garfield got into power. I created a new identity this time, Charles J. Guiteau, a writer and lawyer, also conveniently another anagram for my name.  I saw him at a train station and shot him twice. I disappeared into the crowd and some other guy took the fall for me, as they thought he was me. I then impersonated a doctor and committed medical malpractice to ensure that my job was done well, and the president did not survive. I then went and perjured myself to say that the man they wrongly convicted was actually rightly convicted, that man who was unfortunately caught in the crossfire was sentenced to death.

               I laid low for a little while but then William McKinley was elected. I knew I had to be craftier this time, that I should not approach him with a gun. So, I concealed my gun in a handkerchief. This time the authorities almost caught me but luckily there was another man holding a handkerchief right behind me. The name I chose for this mission was Leon Czolgosz, another anagram. That is the name they attributed to the killer. I took a 62-year nap. By then many people had failed to copy my style. No presidents were assassinated while I was asleep, there were many attempts. I never fail, so those were not my work by any means.

               Once I woke up Kennedy was president. I created a new identity, under the name Lee Harvey Oswald, the semordnilaps of my name, I thought I would go a different direction as anagrams might be getting easier as technology evolves. I had missed killing under a name that was three names long. This one was very fun because people after the fact noted that there were two gunmen, they were right. A man was working in the building, where I planted a number of weapons. In reality there was only one gunman, I work alone. But I needed evidence as the judicial system had advanced during my hibernation period. I did not have to do much cleaning up after this shooting, Jack Ruby took care of my prop Oswald once they made it to jail. Then Ted Cruz’s father killed Ruby, making my job even easier.

               Since then, there have been many more attempts on the lives of presidents, none of which I have been involved in. Ted Cruz, aka the Zodiac Killer, has been keeping a close eye on my activities. Game recognizes game. I have done my best to stay out of his sphere of control. I text with him, the Unabomber, the still living guy from the Boston marathon (that cutie), and all of the alive serial killers, school shooters, and other various Guantanamo bay inmates. When I worked at Nickelodeon, I wrote a few episodes of SpongeBob. I used this to my advantage to send coded messages to my friends who have been less fortunate at their life of crime. The code I used was what our group called ourselves. E.V.I.L. aka Every Villain Is Lemons.

Who to Vote For if You Hate the Two Party System

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Parties to vote for down ballot:

  • The Green Party
    • Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
  • The Progresso Party
    • Soup for all, all for soup 
  • The Party City Party
    • Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
  •  The Darty Party
    • Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
  • The Whig Party
    • A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
  • The Party Rock Anthem
    • In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
  • The Democratic Party
    • I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name. 
  • The Golfing Par-Tee
    • Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
  • The Donner Party
    • Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
  • The Bull Moose Party
    • Own big sticks and talk quietly 
  • The Youth International Party
    • Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
  • Orange Soda Party
    • Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
  • Ryan’s party
    • You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan) 
  • Margaritaville Party
    • The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)

Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:

  • Flo
    • Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
  • Ivana Tinkle
    • Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.  
  • Any turtle
    • The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
  • Joe Mama
    • Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
  • Deez Nuts
    • Got em
  • Mr. Whiskertons
    • Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
  • Papa John
    • Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC.  Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
  • Donald Trump
    • That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
  • Billy Joel
    • It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
  • Paula Deen
    • Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
  • The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
    • Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
  • Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
    • They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in

sUggestions For activIties To Do On halloween If You don’t want To Get covid

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

  1. Get dressed up and sit on your xl twin bed and call your mom and cry.  
  2. Virtual trick or treating. Don’t ask how it works.
  3. Drop out of college to scare your parents!
  4. Come to the Cathedral lawn and take one (1) instagram photo with Pittiful News writer Sarah Yule so her parents will think she made friends at college this semester.  Wear a mask, vigorous use of the Facetune “reshape” tool before posting is required. 
  5. Watch “Jonas Brothers: The Tale of the Haunted Firehouse” and make a Pinterest board dedicated to the JoBros’ TV dad.  If time is an issue, here’s the link to mine:  Link
  6. Disinfecting candy you bought from target  
  7. Sit.
  8. Stay.
  9. Good boy. 
  10. Get violently drunk with the dude who sleeps next to the dunkin on forbes 
  11. Use a ouija board to open up a portal to the demon world because maybe there’s no social distancing there. 
  12. Participate in Panther central’s fun virtual halloween activities! (SIKE nobody does those)
  13. Go on tinder. It’s scarier than any horror movie. 
  14. Make your own “haunted” house: it is as easy as just putting up a few spider webs and using some glitter!
  15. Make your own haunted house: kill someone!
  16. Make a list of your favorite forms of frozen potatoes.  It’s like a gratitude list but it’ll make your loved ones ask if you’re alright.  And you’ve been hoping they would.  Happy Halloween!
  17. Get all gussied up in your guise, take one selfie for your instagram, then take it off.
  18. Recreate your favorite scene from your favorite horror movie! I like the part from The Shining with that old lady in the bathtub. I’ll be Jack Nicholson, who wants to be my better half?
  19. Fall in love with a handsome small town stranger who works at the lodge you just inherited from a distant cousin.
  20. Talk to a girl. Spine tingling!
  21. Make a diy potion that’s actually just lean 
  22. A jungle juice-esque concoction of melting together candy corn, Twizzlers, raisins, and Svedka.
  23. Take shots until you are ok with hooking up with your roommates; I am looking at you Stella, we should play this just the 2 of us
  24. Remind all of your friends to vote! If you don’t, there will be consequences.
  25. Chow down on some edibles, but it’s actually just regular Nerds Rope. They have pretty much the same effect.
  26. Listen to One Direction’s complete discography (It only takes 5 hours and some change) and think about how you will never be able to feel the feelings you felt when you heard those songs for the first time.  Also sob about Zayn leaving.  You and I both know you aren’t over it.  
  27. The presence of death annihilates all that is imaginary. We are the offspring of death and death delivers us from the tantalizing, fraudulent attractions of life; it is death that beckons us from the depths of life. If at times we come to a halt, we do so to hear the call of death… Throughout our lives, the finger of death points at us.
  28. Read a spooky book! Might I recommend Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or Astrid Lindgren’s Pippi Longstocking?
  29. Redownload Wattpad. Or, more likely if you’re on our site reading this article, just open the app.  You never deleted it, and that’s okay! HarryxLouis fanfics are a timeless artform.  
  30. Reminisce about the time when the world turned against Taylor Swift and chose team Kanye; terrifying!
  31. gnjnuj;aevbfdmnlk vfv
  32. Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear satan, happy birthday to you.
  33. Watch the office for the like a hundredth time this month
  34. Go on Omegle; think of all of the unexpected penises as jumpscares in a haunted house!
  35. Cower in the corner, for you feel so alone, and the truest fright of all is that you will die without anybody to grieve your passing.
  36. If you want a really scary costume idea, dress up as your 7th grade self. 
  37. Watch Glee! Nothing says horror quite like Matthew Morrision singing the thong song.  
  38. Leave the cute boy in your calc class’ halloween party in tears because he got back together with his ex, who you just became friends with. This is exceptionally upsetting because she promised to help you get with him. Next, tearfully run to meet up with your two artsy outcasts friends who are watching a horror movie in their garage and accidentally scare them when you walk in. Tell them what happened and devise a plan to take down the head plastic of your high school. 
  39. Sing pop country so all your friends will leave you
  40. Eat last years halloween candy that you hid so that thief ROBIN URCANDY would not steal it

Suggestions for what to do if you want to get covid

  1. Go to Brad’s makeout party and kiss Stacy, she is a medical miracle as she has gotten mono multiple times

Things You Could Buy With the Money You’re Saving by Not Having a Wedding

By: Abby Stoudt

Great news LGBT community! In light of Justice Barret being appointed to the Supreme Court, I’m making a list of all the fun things we can buy instead of paying for a wedding. So, instead of dropping 30 grand on a wedding, you can now afford:

  1. 2,727 frog shaped coin purses
  2. An unlimited amount of Turning Point USA activism kits whose pins you can then repurpose with $30,000 worth of Posca markers (While we’re dropping $30,000 we might as well buy the good stuff)
  3. 600 pairs of rainbow crocs
  4. A brand new Subaru
  5. 428 Seinfeld boxed sets
  6. 131 Bokuto plushies (but the huge one because again, we’re treating ourselves, LGBT community <3)
  7. 600 Iconic Milk Bar birthday cakes
  8. Roughly 7,500 of my go-to Starbucks order: A grande iced coffee with sweet cream and 3 pumps of white mocha
  9. 1,666 copies of the Trolls Soundtrack on vinyl and 428 record players to listen to it on
  10. 1,578 tapestries that depict Robert Pattinson standing in his kitchen

Well, I hope this helps because you all know what they say: retail therapy is a valid form of therapy.

But on a more serious note everyone, we’re showing the jokes the door for a moment, I know that times feel really rough right now but we will make it through this together. I love you <3.

A sneak peak at the Non Alcoholic Mix Off later this month

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • Clowns 
    • Clowns have a rich history in the Pittsburgh area, they go back many generations as seen in the balloon family trees they make after asexually reproducing. 
    • Drink: “Honk my Horn if you know what i mean”
      • Fruit punch, Vegan Bailey’s Irish almond milk creamer, 1 lollipop (on top, similar to a cherry)
  • Witchtok
    • The Witchtok community represents a broad spectrum of witches of all kinds, by sharing videos of witch tips, potions, weird peace offerings they leave in the garden for the nymphs, and reading each other’s tarot fortunes to give sad witches some encouragement
    • Drink: “The Bubble, Bubble, Toil, and Trouble”
      •  A blend of herbal teas with hints of chamomile and rose, some of the stuff from my garden that I didn’t actually plant it just kinda grew, and edible glitter, all stewed in a cauldron (pot) while we chant in Parseltongue
  •  Arbor Day Enthusiasts
    • Anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, but not just anyone can be an Arbor Day Enthusiast, if you catch my drift. The community is often split into two factions: those who enjoy celebrating Arbor Day with a barbecue and a game of cornhole and those who are active participants in yearly Arbor Day revolutions worldwide in which they overthrow authoritarian regimes and replace them with a government run by trees. These two factions do not get along (even (especially) on Arbor Day).
    • Drink: “Committing Treeson”
      • Maple syrup, sawdust, blanched ginkgo leaves, some wood chips if you’re feeling frisky
  •  Anti-Maskers
    • The fuckheads, i mean anti-maskers, are a group of people who believe that masks are dummy dumb dumb and they shouldnt be worn because they dont work and kill brain cells. We collectively have two brain cells and are not about to risk losing the rest. Plus, if Trump survived COVID, then we can, too.
    • Drink: “Bleach”
      • Bleach jello shots from coronavirus shaped molds 
  • Children of the Corn
    • They shuck all day and shuck all night. They shuck when they’re happy and they shuck when they’re sad. They shuck like animals. They love corn and they just don’t care who knows it. Is that what the movie’s about? I think it is.
    • Drink: “Maybe I’m A-Maize-d”
      • Corn right off the cob, corn that’s been off the cob for a day or two, high fructose corn syrup, cornmeal, cornflour, a few corny jokes, a unicorn, General Cornwallis, candy corn, corn ethanol, etc.
  • Oakland 
    • A community of students and faculty alike, centering their time around the livelihood of the city. The Oakland community consists mostly of Pitt students and other universities’ students who come to the Pitt campus to study. We pride ourselves on our dedication to leaving garbage in the streets whenever possible, which includes but is not limited to: five guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
    • Drink: “The Oakland Token”
      •  Five Guys fries we dropped for the birds, cigarette butts, any bag, empty dab carts, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
  •  Nursing Students That Used To Bully Me In High School
    • The popular kids in school who bullied or outright ignored me are now training to be in charge of people’s survival. They would’ve failed high school chemistry if not for the participation grade, and now they wonder why they’re failing OChem. Hallmarks include messy buns, Lululemon pants, hydroflasks, and the inability to empathize with people outside of their suburban clique! I trust them with my life! 
    • Drink: “The Nursing Dose”
      • Starbucks Double Shot, mixed with 10 ccs of blood; stat, and the tears of children. Mix for 10 seconds in your mom’s food processor. Add protein bar chunks, stickers that say “it’s a beautiful day to save lives”, and seventeen episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Complain about early clinicals. Be stuck in one profession for the rest of your life. 
  •  Monkey “Enthusiasts”
    • The people that are REALLY into monkeys *wink*
    • Drink:”The Monkey’s Crotch” 
      • 16 Fleas, 2 oz of Coconut Cream, 3 oz Pineapple Juice, A Whole Lot of Disapproval From One’s Parents, a Splash of Water, .75 oz of Fresh Lime Juice, 3 dashes of a Cease and Desist from the Local Zoo, and a pinch of salty tears that God didn’t make you a monkey
      • Instructions: In a blender, combine all the ingredients until smooth. Then pour into a glass before you cry yourself to sleep after realizing you’ve been on permanent house arrest after THAT incident you pulled with monkeys from the local zoo…. Rumor says that those monkeys never looked at people the same way.  
  • Pitt Administration
    • They have long lived in the sewers under oakland and have developed their own culture, they often ask other residents to come play with them in the sewers and then eat the students and blame it on Covid-19
    • Drink: “Honey I Murdered the Kids”
      • Oh the places you’ll go (Dr. Seuss book), any photograph you have from college, gatorade(red to represent the blood spilt in the sewers)
  • The pigeons that live in my house
    • These Pigeons will not leave
    • Drink: “Just Rat Poison”
      • Rat poison with a hint of lime, Rat poison restaurant style, rat poison scoops, salt and vinegar rat poison; you can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, rat poison-kabobs, rat poison creole, rat poison gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried rat poison. There’s pineapple rat poison, lemon rat poison, coconut rat poison, pepper rat poison, rat poison soup, rat poison stew, rat poison salad, rat poison and potatoes, rat poison burger, rat poison sandwich, sour cream and onion rat poison 
  •  Gym Bros
    • The giga-chads you see strutting around the inside of the Baierl Student Recreation Center like they own the place. Which, I mean, they do. If they ask me if I’m using something you best believe I’m saying “nope, my bad.” This drink represents everything about the weightlifting community, including but not limited to: shitty cutoffs made from free Pitt t-shirts, skipping leg day, a supply-chain major, and spending Saturdays with the boys.
    • Drink: “Get Swole or Die Trying”
      • 70g whey protein powder (chocolate flavor), 14 lq oz human sweat, a dash of methamphetamine, peanut butter, 1.2 gal blue powerade run through a Brita filter. All contained in a BlenderBottle, obviously.
  •  Squirrel Hill
    • Many people in Squirrel Hill are Jewish, some are not, but one thing everyone from Squirrel Hill loves is Manischewitz wine, but since we cant have that due to alcohol content, we will have Kedem’s grape juice
    • Drink: “do I really need to put a name in this box, I literally said it was just Kedem’s grape juice, oh, it is copying down whatever i say, alexa stop, siri off, google home leave me alone, beam me up scotty, if i hit the enter key maybe it will stop”
      • Kedem’s grape juice, like just that in a glass, it tastes great

Real and fake facts about Alcohol safety mixed together like a quality cocktail (shaken not stirred, what is this the 1800’s no cocktails are stirred nowadays) 

  1. It is unsafe to drink and drive
  2. Putting little umbrellas in your fruity drinks makes them taste better
  3. Making jokes about consent is funny
  4. Pong is a game played at many ceo events
  5. all white house staff must carry narcan, it does not help with alcohol, it is just good for all the “diet” coke (just cocaine) the president does (do not use narcan if someone is overdosing from cocaine, it will send them into cardiac arrest, narcan is safe for use on those overdosing on opioids)
  6. If you drink more, you’ll be happy
  7. It is unsafe to drink and drive
  8. I’m a fruity drink ;)
  9. One sip of beer will steal your virginity, your childhood memories, and your youthful essence
  10. Certain types of liquor make jazz sound better

I stole my neighbor’s lawn ornaments

By Tyler Sikov

               I have once again gotten myself into a pickle, not literally this time. My neighbors wanted to test out their new security system, so they asked me to steal some of their lawn ornaments. I was on board immediately and began planning my expert heist. I arrive at their house (like a minute after I leave my house, you know neighbors and all) and I set my sights on my targets, the ornaments.

               There is an assortment of ornaments. There is a peacock where the tail and body spin independently of each other. There is one that is topped with an orb, that I am certain is just a wizard staff half buried in the ground. There is a very rusted sun flower. The last one is a stained-glass picture of 2 butterflies on a stick.

               I look for defenses and more importantly flaws in the defenses. I do not notice anything stopping me from stealing the ornaments. So, I walk up and pick the orb and peacock up. I walk back to my house and hide them in my garage. I go back and get the other 2 ornaments and hide them in my garage. As with all crimes I commit, I desire recognition so I go back to the scene of the crime and contemplate stealing their potted plants but decide against it.

               A few hours later my neighbors asked where their lawn ornaments went. I informed them that I stole them as they had requested to which they replied that they had not yet installed their new security system and had been at a funeral while I was stealing their ornaments. They asked me to return them but I said no because I put some effort into planning my heist. I was planning on doing a number of flips and rolls through the laser field I pictured. I brought multiple bandanas which I planned to use as weapons. Most importantly I had a getaway driver which I never used, now I have to apologize to my mom for not using her help in yet another criminal act. I will keep you, my readers, up to date on my escapades in nefarious activities.

Coaching Deity Pat Narduzzi Reveals Secret Strategy to Win Football Games

By Evan Rafferty

Author’s Note: This article was written long ago, based on an alternative timeline in which the author still felt happiness. When the sun still rose in the morning, the birds sang their cheerful songs, when Pitt didn’t absolutely blow it against NC State, and bungle it against Boston goddamn College. Football only serves as a chilling reminder that nothing will change, nobody loves you, and it doesn’t get better, so don’t get your hopes up. Until next Saturday.

    That’s right, nerds. Close that textbook. Put away that laptop. It’s time to watch our lads sling some pigskin and slam a bunch of losers into the dirt. What do you mean there’s a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic going on? Shut up, it’s football season.

Unless you’re actually dumb, then you know that our Pitt Panthers opened up the 2020 season with absolutely dominating victories over a bunch of posers that call themselves the Austin Peay State University “Governors,” and a basket of oranges hailing from Syracuse. Who knew you could grow citrus in upstate New York? Anyway, if you know anything about the greatest sport in America, you could probably deduce that this means that Pitt is once again the best team in the nation (Don’t @ me, Clemson. See you on November 28th). But for Pitt and their head coach, Pat “The Thunder of Southern Connecticut” Narduzzi, with great power rankings comes great responsibility. The Panthers have an obligation, a moral imperative, to enlighten the mass media and give some insider information on just how the Panthers have gotten off to such a hot start. However, despite the onslaught of reporters foaming at the mouth, begging for an iota of detail behind the team’s victories, none have been successful at getting the coaching staff to spill the beans. It was time to bring in the big guns, the A-team, the best detective that upper campus has to offer: me.

    With help from my god complex and the motivation from my self-condemned Sisyphean struggle to try and inform the stupid common man, I was able to call in a few favors, whip up a little blackmail, and break into Heinz Field by disguising myself as a ketchup bottle in order to get a one-on-one interview with the man, the myth, the legend himself, Patrick Regan Narduzzi. While you might have expected someone to be surprised or scared by a walking, talking, stalking, popping, and locking tomato sauce container approaching you and screaming out of excitement, Narduzzi paid no attention to my presence. The man’s a stoic. His eyes were glued to a screen playing the entirety of Louisville’s offensive film at 139x speed, faster than any normal human could comprehend. That’s when I knew I had something special to report, and I had to go deeper than simple observation. It took a super-secret Pentagon safe word used to bring government agents out of their natural brain-washed state, ‘Linguini,’ to awaken the coach from his game-day preparation hibernation. 

    Narduzzi’s head snapped toward me with the incredible speed of someone snapping their head towards someone at an alarmingly fast rate. His eyes began to glow, a haunting shade of Pitt Royal™, HEX #003594.

A voice from deep within the Allegheny mountains rumbled to life and spoke from the language of the ancient gods, blasting directly into my temporal lobe: “Quid est bonum, fratrem?

“W-Well, your Duzziness,” I stuttered, trying and failing to maintain my composure and credibility in the face of greatness. “I have come before you to beg, to plead for a scoop. How have the Panthers grown into the greatest football team in football history, in such a short amount of football time? What’s the football secret- a new formation, a trick play, a UPMC-developed football steroid?”

Do not fear, my child. I was but a curious mortal once, as well. I will give you the answers you seek… for a price,” the coach said, a sly grin creeping across his face. 

“But of course, your Duzziness. Hell, I’d give an arm and a leg to learn the process behind the best football team in the wo-”

 I woke up in UPMC Presbyterian 4 days and 12 hours later, missing two of my most trusted and loved appendages. Sorry if the helicopter woke you up again, that was probably me. As my mind repaired itself from my encounter with such a powerful figure, I felt an object materialize in my pocket out of thin air. I reached down with my remaining arm and retrieved a note, a message from Patrick Narduzzi himself. Written with the blood of a Nittany lion (whatever that is), on ancient parchment made of the skin of a Mountaineer, the memorandum spoke thus:

Victory is not found in singular glory, or modern scheme

To win, one must score more points than the opposing team.

    My hippocampus began to shake, collapsing in on itself from the weight of pure godly knowledge that had just made its way into my brain. Every kind of doctor you can think of rushed into the room to try and save my life. An epinephrine injection directly into the brain stem, a defibrillator, and fourteen kinds of essential oils attempted to keep my very soul in its flesh casing, but all of them failed.

I write this account to you, dear reader, from the world beyond. I trust you with this message, and that you will use it to do good in the world. Just know that when January rolls around and Pitt is playoff-bound, the famed “Kenny Heisman” theorem of scoring more points than the other team, developed by Coach Narduzzi, and whatever Lovecraftian Yinzer lord lies within him, is what brought them there. Hail to Pitt.       

Songs That the Pittiful News Writers Have Stuck In Their Heads Right Now

By: the writers of the Pittiful News 

Try and match the songs with the writers! (email us with your results at pittifulnews@gmail.com, subject line fw:fw:fw: Cousin Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah and how the left is destroying the world) 

  1. The hollow ringing sound of putting my metal straw into my metal tumbler in the middle of the night when I’m trying to not wake my roommate up as I have my midnight skim milk 
  2. Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
  3. King Tut by Steve Martin
  4. WAP (Medieval Remix)
  5. Tequila by The Champs
  6. O Canada sung by Fergie (if at first you don’t succeed…)
  7. A low beating from inside the walls, as if someone were begging to be let out. 
  8. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet
  9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, but every line ends with sponge cake
  10. Brick House by the Commodores
  11. The Kill Bill sirens
  12. Soulja Boy’s 2008 hit, Kiss Me Thru The Phone, but only the phone number part
  13. The Weenie Man song
  14. Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffett
  15. It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere by Jimmy Buffett
  16. *ominous Latin chanting*
  17. Two Trucks
  18. A horde of local theater kids’ rendition of Seasons of Love from RENT
  19. The sirens in the background of Bonfire by Childish Gambino. No, mom, this doesn’t have any deeper meaning.
  20. Atomic Dog by George Clinton (you may know this little ditty from the cinematic masterpiece that is Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde)
  21. lofi hip hop radio beats to relax/study to
  22. The ear-splitting “YUM” that comes from the speakers at my local Red Robin every 30 minutes
  23. Trap bangers about cocaine as I walk through my majority-white upper class suburb
  24. Sweet Caroline but with the Migos vocals from Carpool Karaoke
  25. Contemporary Christian rock
  26. The sounds of the phone number for the closest pizza place being dialed, only to realize it’s been closed for 40 years
  27. Avatar’s Love, but sad
  28. The concept of a zucchini being thrown at a cat
  29. A math teacher being stabbed multiple times because she said that she could explain something multiple ways but continues to only explain it one way
  30. Yer A Wizard Harry but he keeps saying Harry is more things
  31. I’m A Barbie Girl sung by the Russian military
  32. North Korean accordion music
  33. Any song by Weird Al Yankovic 
  1. Tyler
  2. Abby
  3. Morgan
  4. Ella
  5. Savnah (edited for space)
  6. Evan
  7. Sarah
  8. Eric
  9. Jermy Jordan
  10. Tyler but with a knife in his hand
  11. Ivana Tinkle
  12. Jerry Sandusky’s goldfish
  13. That one Denny’s waitress who gave me extra ranch without asking and I subsequently fell in love with her
  14. Steve Buscemi
  15. Maxamillion Von Hammerslag
  16. Perry the Platypus, sans fedora
  17. Sans Undertale, wearing a fedora
  18. Pittiful News Writer #6
  19. Lionel Richie
  20. Kermit the Frog
  21. Steve Buscemi (but in comic sans) (font changed for formatting purposes)
  22. President Vladimir Putin
  23. KGB leader Vladimir Putin
  24. Ex and Future Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
  25. Once and Future King Pladimir Vutin
  26. Legolas Greenleaf
  27. Charles Entertainment Cheese
  28. Tyler, but this time he is talking about empires of the steppe
  29. Tyler, but this time he’s a spider who won the popular vote for president but was then sent to jail, this of course is a possible outcome of the upcoming election, vote Alfred E. Newman for president
  30. Alfred E. Newman
  31. You
  32. Jerry Seinfeld
  33. A Yankee Candle employee

Heck (Hell but more Inconvenient)

By Tyler Sikov

Before I tell you about my experience in Heck, I should probably tell you how I died. I was running around in one of those revolving doors, forcing people to go through the much less fun normal door, I was then decapitated while trying to leave the door, the door was spinning so fast that my head was just gone. I appear inside a room and an attendant puts lotion of my hands and feet. I am then told that I must go to the reception area for processing. This was immediately a difficult task as to do that I needed to open a door, and I could not stop sliding around the room. The lotion smelled really nice so I decided to lick my fingers which gave me a great idea, I could open the door with my mouth. I put my mouth around the handle and the door immediately flies open sending me sledding across the floor. The man in the doorway tells me to follow him. I follow him down many twisting and turning halls with him talking at a volume I could hear but not quite make out everything he said. At many points I lost him only to find myself walking down the wrong hallway and falling down a random pit. I must then climb the long stair case where each step is a different height, this really killed my ankles, get it because I am dead, eh. You living folks will get it when you are dead.

Finally, I find him and am escorted into a reception room. This room is filled with many buttons. None of the buttons have labels so I begin pressing random buttons. The buttons I pressed did these to me: had a group of people run out and lightly brush my face with feathers, had someone play twinkle twinkle little star on my teeth, someone come to give me a hug but it lasted a few seconds too long and he was really sweaty, someone walked near me with a chinchilla and every time I tried to pet it they would pull it slightly farther away. Finally, I pressed a button that brought out a lady who introduced herself as the receptionist. I asked where I was and she said Heck, an eternity of small inconveniences. I thought of myself as a good person but I guess I inconvenienced a lot of people in my life. She tells me that I am all checked in and that I am free to leave the reception room and go find lunch.

I leave the room and after getting lost for a mildly inconvenient amount of time I find the elevators. I was expecting them to be empty but when one arrived it was almost full, there was one spot left. I get in and as the elevator is descending, I realize that everyone else in here has not showered in months. I turn and talk to one of the people to ask them why they are all in here and why they smell bad, yes I am a blunt person, all of the people in the elevator say in unison “We never leave, we never clean ourselves, we make all elevator rides inconvenient”. The elevator then got stuck for 30 minutes. The elevator does not have numbers on their buttons so you would press random floors just hoping it took you where you were looking to go. Once I get to the floor I was searching for, I go and get myself a burrito bowl from Chipotle but they are always out of a random ingredient, so just normal Chipotle. I order what I ordered while I was alive, but when I go to pay, the credit card machine is broken so I pay in cash, I have just enough to pay for it and tip 10% in my pocket.  I eat the food but I find a hair in it, I go up to the customer service desk to complain about this.

I get to the desk and the woman at the desk screams at me for wasting her time. She then starts to talk about how she knows corporate and demands to speak to my manager. I finally get a word in and complain about there being hair in my food and this woman smacks me in the face and then punches herself in the stomach and starts screaming that I hit her, so I decide that this is a lost cause, I ate a lot of cat hair in my life so eating a bit of mystery hair in my afterlife is not the biggest of deals. As I am walking away from the desk someone hits me on the back of the head with an empty wrapping paper tube. I ask why, and this guy replies, “Whenever your sibling thinks of you someone will come up behind you and hit you on the head with an empty wrapping paper tube, as I have just done”. Right once he finishes saying this, I get hit on the head again, I have 20 siblings, lucky for me it does not hurt that much it is just more a mild annoyance, just like having a sibling.

Right then I stumble into an alley that is full of people asking me to sign their petitions, I start signing some of them and on one of them I write the date wrong, I go to erase it but the eraser bits stick to the paper and you can tell that I wrote I wrong the first time because it does not erase fully. I then get a notification on my phone that my job has been changed and will be changed every day. I question this because in life I never had a real job, I would just go to a business for a week, reorganize their computer systems and cabinets, then leave without telling anyone where they can find their stuff in the new systems and cabinets. It tells me that today I get to mow a lawn, I am allergic to mown grass so I will be sneezing for a week after today. The map on my phone shows me that I am a 20-minute walk away from the lawn I am meant to mown, and I need to be there in 15 minutes. Right then the path I must take to get to my job is filled with people, not enough to stop me from getting there, just enough that it will be harder for me to get there on time.

When I get to my job, 35 minutes late, I go to shake my boss’s hand and he begins to do the worm. Once he notices that I am attempting to shake his hand he gets up and asks if the culture changed again, I ask what he means and he says that every few months the culturally accepted greetings and other culturally accepted practices are changed, and no one will tell you what they have been changed to, so sometimes you come off looking rude. He then tells me to mow the lawn. Once I am done mowing, I decide to go to a rooftop pool. I get into a swimsuit and jump in. quickly I realize that parts of the pool are salt water and parts are chlorine, I am very confused as to how this works but more bothered by the fact that different parts of the pool are wildly different temperatures.

Once I am done, I get directions to my apartment. It takes me an hour to get there. Once I get there I reach into my pocket and find a ring of keys, and the 15th key I try opens the door. Right as the door opens, some cats jump into my arms. Right when I think that this may be a nice place to be, the cats jump off of me leaving my entire body coated with hair. I walk in and find that I have a dryer full of clothes, I take the clothes out and as I am walking back to my bed to fold the clothes, I drop a sock onto the dirty floor. I pick it up and decide that I should wash it again so I put it into a different basket. I notice that this sock has a hole in it, I look through my other socks and I notice that all of them have holes in different places, many of them will cause some of my toes to be out of my sock. I knew that this could be a bit annoying because I have to walk up hill everywhere I go. Right then I get a message telling me that tomorrow my job is stapling individual pieces of very sticky paper.

I change into my pajamas, freshly clean and folded and go to brush my teeth, while I am brushing my teeth water is constantly dripping down my arms, because of this I wash my hands. I pull up my sleeves so they do not get wet but the second I turn on the water my sleeves fall back down and get soaked. There is a knock on the door, I open it and get hit on the head by an empty wrapping paper tube, again. I go back inside and decide I should watch some Netflix. I go to search for a show I like but every key I press types a different letter or symbol, it takes me a long time to find the show I want to watch. After a bit of buffering because the wifi is slow I watch an episode. The next episode starts after a bit of buffering but it is not the next episode in the show, it is a random episode of the show. I try to find a way to watch the episodes in order but all shows autoplay their episodes in a random order. I look at the clock and see that it is getting pretty late so I decide to go to bed. The bed is part box spring, part memory foam, part air mattress and part water bed. It is going to be hard to fall asleep but soon enough I will and then I will wake up and live in this world of small inconveniences. This is my own personal Heck.