I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
I brushed some teeth. Not mine but we’ll get there eventually.
I got to third base with my cat.
That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.
I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate.
I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
I blocked my aunt on Facebook
I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge.
I had a gay thought.
I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016.
Admired a banana sticker
I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty.
I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables. Right as we were making plans, too. How sad!
Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create. Now I know you can make boards private. You live and you learn.
I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.
I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year.
So, you might be thinking why is he being so open about this, that is a federal offence. But I am telling you all this because I trust you. Also, I have publicized many other treasonous acts, so if they are coming to get me, they will do it one way or another. I will start with that, yes, I did illegally cast 2 votes in the 2016 election. During that election I was not old enough to vote for real, so I had to get creative with how I got alone time with one of those sweet voting machines. In the past when I had committed voter fraud, I went to the polling location with my parents and while there I pretended to play with those fake voting machines. While I played with those toys, I provided enough of a distraction for me to signal my ninjas without anyone noticing. Comically, I voted for then host of the Celebrity Apprentice, a show I executive produced at the age of 8, Donald Trump, 7 times in 2008. At that time, I thought he was just a goofy guy who was friends with my favorite magician Penn Gillette. I could have never expected that after receiving only 7 votes, he would decide to run for president 8 years later. In 2012, before I realized the power my illegal votes held, I voted for a different candidate for president. I voted 39 times for ISIS, and I realize now that based on my previous success at guessing future candidates, I should have been more careful. I apologize for my past indiscretions. So, I decided I would make up for it in 2016 when Trump announced his run after sending me a letter thanking me.
In 2016 I went to two separate polling locations to make sure all of my illegal votes were counted equally. The first polling location I went to was well guarded, to get in and vote I had to answer a few riddles such as: what is your name, can you sign here, what is 3 times 6, “I run but never walk and I have a bed but never sleep”, what is your voter registration number. I just answered “river” for all of these questions, which confused the poll watchers but they guessed that turning river into numbers would give them my voter registration number. This worked because many years prior I had murdered someone named river and assumed their identity for the purpose of voting in this election. I got through and stole the voting block key thing and voted twice for: Donatello the ninja turtle (President), Yertle the turtle (Vice President), The tortoise who beat the hare (Governor, he lost to Tom Wolf, so I still got an animal elected), and Crush from finding Nemo (Australian ambassador).
Once I left that polling spot, I knew I would need help to pull off my next mission. So, I pulled some strings with my contacts in the many Narco states to our south and got myself a lot of Latin American Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, mafia members, and other assorted rapists, criminals, and good/bad hombres to help me with my task. We all went to a polling place and I used the skills I picked up at hypnotism camp to have the workers and voters let us pass and cast our votes. All said and done, we cast over 3 million votes for Hillary Clinton. I then sent an email to Trump to inform him that I brought a bunch of illegal immigrants to vote for his opponent and he thanked me for giving him a scapegoat to blame if he lost.
In the most recent election, the 2020 Presidential election, I voted only once. As I am now old enough to vote legally, I decided I would hang up my voter fraud suspenders, yes I was wearing suspenders this whole time, rethink what you imagine a felon who casts illegal votes looks like. I plan to pass on my skills of disrupting the democratic process to my kids one day, but until then, I suppose I will live under either the radical socialist government the Right seems to think will happen or the barely change government under Biden that the Left envisions. Also, if you live in Georgia remember to vote in this upcoming runoff, I would never try to influence who you vote for, just don’t let it be a turtle, any other animal is ok, there are already too many turtles in the senate.
By the Writers of The Pittiful News
(Try to match the activity to the writer, hint, some are easier than they seem)
Made the granola bar equivalent of a brick by not reading and following the recipe
Ate lo mein in the rain
Nearly passed out from cry laughing so violently at Dean Winchester’s reaction to Castiel’s confession
Watched all three seasons of Scream Queens with zero minutes of sleep betwixt the episodes
Watched as a Husky and a Corgi attempted to make sweet sweet love in the middle of Schenley Plaza. I simply could not look away.
Attended Ann E. Cudd’s rager last weekend. Girl is a beast at pong.
Kissed the woman who complimented my glasses at work passionately
I went to a halloween party held by my church group. At this party a friend of mine did not want to participate in the festivities for fear that it would be considered demon worship. This was unfortunate because I really needed more people to help me complete the circle for the demon worship I was planning. I at least got a virgin sacrifice out of her :)
Made a new sad Spotify playlist to celebrate the new Sam Smith album and then created an even sadder, more concentrated playlist of despair that contains only the 3 saddest bops of Sam Smith’s new album and A Whole New World from Aladdin.
Tested positive for covid after licking all of my dearest friends ;)
Put all of my cool sweaters back in storage because some freak decided to make it 75 degrees in November
Found Hillman Library
Suffered a debilitating mental breakdown upon the realization that I have to live with my parents again for two months
I crushed my astronomy essay. Literally, it came to life and tried to escape to space. I cast a spell to make it come to life, but I was naive enough to think that made me its master. They stole my laptop and began hacking into NASA to determine where the nearest space port was. My essay, Essme (yes you need to name them), found a space shuttle and took off. The topic of this essay was a journey to mars, and detailed the flight path, what pilots would do on the long trek, and how to fly the rocket. Thus Essme had all they needed to escape my clutches. When I determined this I knew that I had to catch them before they could pass the moon, so I built my own rocket ship. Luckily, i knew all of the info in the essay i was writing so i was prepared. I beat Essme to the moon and I used the giant magnets I brought to pull their ship out of flight, then I used a car crusher to crush Essme. As they lay in my arms, wrinkled and destroyed Essme told me they loved me and apologized for the trouble they had caused me. I apologized to them as well, told them I loved them too, and as is tradition, I placed them gently inside of an envelope and licked it sealed, knowing that I had sealed the kindest and most amazing soul I had ever known inside, never to see them again. Luckily, i passed my essay with flying colors because my professor saw me build a rocket and fly to the moon, proving that i understood what a space flight required.
I sheltered in place like I was supposed to do, cause I make money moves. While inside I sent in my mail in ballot for our new WAP (White Ass President). I then went to the year 3000, everybody lived underwater, and your great great great granddaughter was doing fine, until I infected her with Corona, I guess COVID-3000 is going to be a real hit.
Outlaw all colors other than green, categorize littering as an act of eco terrorism, and force all citizens to wear green contacts
The Progresso Party
Soup for all, all for soup
The Party City Party
Make America Lit Again, nobody parties for less
The Darty Party
Make booze a fundamental human right, make pong the next great American pastime
The Whig Party
A classy group of older gentlemen who wanted to feel alive again, both in political spirit and new hair.
The Party Rock Anthem
In favor of shaking, shuffling, and just having a good time. Also pro-fracking, for some reason.
The Democratic Party
I don’t know, they like democracy, I guess. Isn’t that a little out of touch these days? Kind of a boring name.
The Golfing Par-Tee
Fore score and seven years ago, the Golfing Par-Tee was founded to rid the United States of bogies and make it safe again for the birdies. Supports changing the national bird from an eagle to an albatross.
The Donner Party
Travel across the United States. Eat each other. What’s not to love?
The Bull Moose Party
Own big sticks and talk quietly
The Youth International Party
Called the Yippies, they were active in the election of 1968 with their stellar candidate, Pigasus the Immortal, a 145-pound domestic pig. Famously ran on the slogan, “If we can’t have him in the White House, we can have him for breakfast.” While they have not been active since, I want them back. Please.
Orange Soda Party
Similar mission as Jonestown but with orange soda this time
You show up at the wrong house and play settlers of catan with the least cool kid in school, but at least you get snacks (gluten free, vegan, nut free, sugar free, and with no added narcan)
The only time is 5:00 PM, drinking and relaxing is mandatory B-)
Write in candidates for the races you don’t understand:
Runs on a progressive platform, big on insurance
Campaign speeches consist only of half-baked puns.
The plan is to just steal a turtle and make it the president, turtles can live very long and nowhere does it say that the president must be human
Is a pretty immature candidate and wants to re-fund the football department
Wants to require naptime every other hour by law. Needs someone else to bring his food on a platter, pre-mushed
Has learned a lot from his recent scandals and is ready to take on DC. Note: he is sponsored by Little Ceasars
That goofball businessman from that show “The Apprentice.” Wouldn’t it be really funny if that guy was president of the United States? Wouldn’t it?
It’s 5 o’clock on a Tuesday, the masked crowd shuffles in hoping to vote for someone who does not outlaw music.
Raised on dirt roads and sweet tea, Paula Deen is running a platform centered around free speech; she’s been really bored since the Food Network days
The long lost 5th Green brother Carlos
Is currently openly bisexual and will make bi erasure punishable by banishment, supplies the country with lesbian aunt style pants and gay old man sweaters, will start lid-con a convention based around sharing lids with your friends from around the world
Tilda Swinton and Mathew Perry
They will fight to the death to determine who will win the race they are in
As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).
Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars. Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.
If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.
In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day
Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.
Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age
Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips
Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov
Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)
Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay.
Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.
Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.
Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided
Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut. You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball. Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?
Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club
Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life.
Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.
Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind
Greek life: not enough spray tan.
Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(
Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person.
Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic
The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings
The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him
Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.
Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish
Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.
Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance
Business Club: You’re not a business student?
Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24
French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you
Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.
Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised
Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join.
Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump
Pitt Amnesia: What club?
Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65
Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT
Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.
Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”
Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.
Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all
Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.
Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol.
Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.
Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5
Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie
Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?
Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show
American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway
JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art
Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right
PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.
Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship
Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.
Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior
Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant
Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards?
Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten
Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.
Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm
Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA
Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.
Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you?
Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(
The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?
Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.
Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream
Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud
Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant.
Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.
PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.
Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.
Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story.
Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.
Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*
Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club
USITT: u stand.
UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”
Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety.
PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers”