As many of you may know, there is a crazy pandemic going on right now. There are a bunch of zombies wandering the streets. On Pitt’s campus we have been pretty good at not letting zombies wander around. However, this is about to change as our Zombie in Chief is coming to campus. He plans to not bite anyone of color. Those of you who do not have the complexion of vampires, you are safe for now, but once he amasses his hoard, you may need to run up north, where they don’t have zombies, just overly aggressive geese and moose (mooses? meese?).
Why is Zombie man coming to town? To the best of my knowledge he is looking to make more zombies, hopefully not in 9 months with porn stars. Right now, it seems that once Zombie man gets to town, he will hold large events where zombie enthusiasts sit very close together and are asked to bite the people they are sitting near. I suggest that everyone who does not want to become a zombie should stay inside their own Zombie apocalypse bunker. I am staying in mine, and luckily my zombie gf has not given me a hickey in a while.
If you run into a zombie, the best way to protect yourself from them is to ask them about choices, that will keep them occupied long enough that you have time to escape. Becoming a zombie does not just make you insanely sexy, it also makes it harder to run and breath. Right now there is no cure for being a zombie, however as you kill more zombies in call of duty zombies, you become less of a zombie.
In news off campus, the governor of Michigan was kidnapped by Zombie Man Fans. She has been returned but we suspect that she will soon be a zombie, as there is a zombie incubation period. The zombies involved in this kidnapping have temporarily been sent to prison but Zombie Man has hinted at releasing them from prison. Why we gave Zombie Man the ability to release zombies from their cells is beyond me but we can stop him from having an eternity of making other people Zombies by voting for the only person who likes to make phone calls, he likes making them so much that he calls many people every day
Overall, stay inside, do not make out with zombies (I know it can be hard, my zombie gf has been locked in the shed so she does not bite me or my family), vote for phone call guy, and most importantly wear your zombie resistant shoulder pads as that limits the spread of being a zombie.
Student Government Board: you got disillusioned with the american political system at way too young an age
Italian Club: not enough Buca di Bepo field trips
Jarjar kinks club: you’re not Tyler Sikov
Any a capella group: you watched Pitch Perfect and only enjoyed it a Normal Amount, okay? (and Pitch Perfect 2. And Pitch Perfect 3.)
Imagination project: you’re a disney adult that hates children and was only in it for the cosplay.
Club Sandwich: You ate it, and there was nothing left for the next week.
Student Organization Resource Center: You realized it was an office, not a club.
Chocolate Milk Club: the lactaid wasn’t provided
Any club sport: You were a JV junior who TOTALLY could’ve gone pro, if it weren’t for that career ending papercut. You decided club sports would take time away from your life of leisure and spikeball. Also, why do you feel the need to slap your friends on the ass when they score points? Why the ass-slapping?
Golf Club: They just gave you a golf club
Improv: you realized you still had a shot at having a social life.
Any christian club: you went to the first GBMs of 20 different ones and realized they’re all the same, so you decided to give up. Or you’re Tyler Sikov.
Blue and Gold Society: you’re colorblind
Greek life: not enough spray tan.
Anime club: they told me in the first meeting that Naruto wasn’t a real person :(
Quidditch: you’re a “oh I like harry potter” person, not a “i sleep in hufflepuff themed sheets” person.
Outdoors club: you’re agoraphobic
The Math Club: They gave you pizza the first time and then only gave out werther’s originals at future meetings
The Back to the Future Club: where you try to go back and, um, you know, um, with your mom, but then Biff shows up and um, tries to you know, um, but your dad stops him
Rick and Morty Club: he turns himself into a pickle, Morty. Funniest shit you’ve never seen.
Spanish Club: You don’t speak spanish
Cathy Club: You looked at yourself in the mirror and came to the depressing realization that no one will love you, ever.
Any theater club: you declined to join the giant orgy that they have after every performance
Business Club: You’re not a business student?
Film club: your knowledge of independent film studios doesn’t go beyond A24
French club: You DO speak french, you just have a terrible accent and they just immediately identify you as American and make fun of you
Turning Point USA club: You grew a brain cell.
Bird watching club: they did not plan on making watches for birds as advertised
Indie music club: You’re not a gatekeeper or a gaslighter. Or they gatekept you from becoming an official member and gaslighted you into believing you didn’t want to join.
Pitt Amnesty: You voted for Donald Trump
Pitt Amnesia: What club?
Shuffleboard Club: you’re under the age of 65
Any LGBT club: they told you simply wearing large earrings and/or being on alt tiktok doesn’t actually make you LGBT
Redeye Theater Project: not a bunch of stoners.
Pitt Men’s Glee club: When i told them i’m not gay they said “for now”
Gardening Club: You wanted to be a cottagecore ho but irl you can’t take care of a plant, or any other lifeform for that matter.
Olive Garden Club: we gott-a unlimited breadsticks, you must-a eat them all
Kenny BonBon’s Mani-pedi Mondays: You expected to unlock the truth of what on God’s green earth a “provost” is and why she keeps emailing us. You had no such luck.
Pitt Pole Dancing: You don’t have what it takes, which is a gorilla grip cooter. I do, though, lol.
Classical Civilization Club: they promised you Catullus 16, but what you really got was Catullus 101.
Geography Club: They don’t even listen to Maps by Maroon 5
Austrian Club: After leaving the previous club, you were disappointed to find out that this one didn’t wanna throw shrimps on the barbie
Panther Fly Fishing Club: who makes fishing rods that small?
Quiz Bowl: there was no halftime show
American Society of Highway Engineers: they said their way IS the highway
JUM PST ART: they did not actually plan to make much art
Pitt Celibacy Club: F me am I right
PGH Incel: You thought it stood for Intercollegiate Cellists. You were wrong, but you’ll never be the same.
Pitt ROTC: You thought it stood for Recreational Octogenarian Tag Championship
Model UN: You had the idiotic idea of trusting Sweden.
Pitt Crossfit: You don’t have what it takes to be on American Ninja Warrior
Pitt E-Sports: No one wears deodorant
Pitt Billiards Club: What nerd calls it billiards?
Anti-Maskers of Lower Campus: R.I.P. Gone, but not forgotten
Panther Central: You picked up the phone too early. Fired.
Pitt Emergency Club: You get kicked out of your dorm in the middle of Calculus homework because some idiot on the 4th floor pulled the fire alarm
Flex@Pitt: You thought you could learn a second language over Zoom, now you have a -0.37 GPA
Spoon Pittsburgh: You thought you might finally have some loving, human interaction. You left with a full stomach, but a hole in your heart.
Pitt Dance Marathon: Who hurt you?
Pitt Inquisitorial Squad: You thought you would at least get extra credit for being Gallagator’s personal spy, but you don’t even get a wand :(
The Pitt News: you can get PAID for being in a club? And it’s MINIMUM WAGE?
Pitt EMS: you thought it stood for Extreme Men’s Sports. It doesn’t.
Ice-Cream Sundays: You aren’t actually allowed to eat the ice cream
Pitt Philosophy: They started talking about Sigmund Freud
Pitt Ping Pong Team: It was just a scam in order to get enough funding to go to a really expensive restaurant.
Pitt Hikes: All they do is walk up and down cardiac hill.
PEN-Fifteen Club: they wrote it on your hand and suddenly you realized.
Jazz Club: it’s about the meetings you don’t go to.
Project Potter: You were the only person sorted into Ravenclaw and all they do are house activities so it’s just you awkwardly solving puzzles by yourself in a breakout room while the board members watch. This is not based on a true story.
Game Dev Club: You thought playing Nintendogs made you a gamer.
Pitt Musical Theater Club: *gay panic*
Musical appreciation club: How does a bastard orphan son of a whore and a scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the caribbean by providence impoverished in squalor grow up to run such a horrible club
USITT: u stand.
UPTV: They wouldn’t let you produce your idea for a reboot of the cult classic “the room”
Student alumni association: You weren’t an overachiever in high school that got rejected from Cornell and ended up at their safety.
PITTWAP: You didn’t realize that it stood for “we are panthers”