Songs That the Pittiful News Writers Have Stuck In Their Heads Right Now

By: the writers of the Pittiful News 

Try and match the songs with the writers! (email us with your results at pittifulnews@gmail.com, subject line fw:fw:fw: Cousin Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah and how the left is destroying the world) 

  1. The hollow ringing sound of putting my metal straw into my metal tumbler in the middle of the night when I’m trying to not wake my roommate up as I have my midnight skim milk 
  2. Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
  3. King Tut by Steve Martin
  4. WAP (Medieval Remix)
  5. Tequila by The Champs
  6. O Canada sung by Fergie (if at first you don’t succeed…)
  7. A low beating from inside the walls, as if someone were begging to be let out. 
  8. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet
  9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffet, but every line ends with sponge cake
  10. Brick House by the Commodores
  11. The Kill Bill sirens
  12. Soulja Boy’s 2008 hit, Kiss Me Thru The Phone, but only the phone number part
  13. The Weenie Man song
  14. Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffett
  15. It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere by Jimmy Buffett
  16. *ominous Latin chanting*
  17. Two Trucks
  18. A horde of local theater kids’ rendition of Seasons of Love from RENT
  19. The sirens in the background of Bonfire by Childish Gambino. No, mom, this doesn’t have any deeper meaning.
  20. Atomic Dog by George Clinton (you may know this little ditty from the cinematic masterpiece that is Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde)
  21. lofi hip hop radio beats to relax/study to
  22. The ear-splitting “YUM” that comes from the speakers at my local Red Robin every 30 minutes
  23. Trap bangers about cocaine as I walk through my majority-white upper class suburb
  24. Sweet Caroline but with the Migos vocals from Carpool Karaoke
  25. Contemporary Christian rock
  26. The sounds of the phone number for the closest pizza place being dialed, only to realize it’s been closed for 40 years
  27. Avatar’s Love, but sad
  28. The concept of a zucchini being thrown at a cat
  29. A math teacher being stabbed multiple times because she said that she could explain something multiple ways but continues to only explain it one way
  30. Yer A Wizard Harry but he keeps saying Harry is more things
  31. I’m A Barbie Girl sung by the Russian military
  32. North Korean accordion music
  33. Any song by Weird Al Yankovic 
  1. Tyler
  2. Abby
  3. Morgan
  4. Ella
  5. Savnah (edited for space)
  6. Evan
  7. Sarah
  8. Eric
  9. Jermy Jordan
  10. Tyler but with a knife in his hand
  11. Ivana Tinkle
  12. Jerry Sandusky’s goldfish
  13. That one Denny’s waitress who gave me extra ranch without asking and I subsequently fell in love with her
  14. Steve Buscemi
  15. Maxamillion Von Hammerslag
  16. Perry the Platypus, sans fedora
  17. Sans Undertale, wearing a fedora
  18. Pittiful News Writer #6
  19. Lionel Richie
  20. Kermit the Frog
  21. Steve Buscemi (but in comic sans) (font changed for formatting purposes)
  22. President Vladimir Putin
  23. KGB leader Vladimir Putin
  24. Ex and Future Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
  25. Once and Future King Pladimir Vutin
  26. Legolas Greenleaf
  27. Charles Entertainment Cheese
  28. Tyler, but this time he is talking about empires of the steppe
  29. Tyler, but this time he’s a spider who won the popular vote for president but was then sent to jail, this of course is a possible outcome of the upcoming election, vote Alfred E. Newman for president
  30. Alfred E. Newman
  31. You
  32. Jerry Seinfeld
  33. A Yankee Candle employee

An Incomplete List of Sandwich Ingredients

By Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, Sonya Acharya

  1. Bread
  2. Soap
  3. Soup
  4. Hot Sauce
  5. Cheese-Itz
  6. Fitbit watches
  7. Sunset Dream Yankee Candles
  8. Head n’ Shoulders 5-in-1 Men’s Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Face Wash, and Sunscreen (SPF 613) with AXE scent
  9. Pomegranates
  10. Whole sticks of celery
  11.  Anti-inflammatory medications
  12.  Rice that’s crunchy on the outside
  13. Multiple decks of cards
  14. Bananas
  15. Bandanas
  16. Savannahs
  17. BEES
  18. Pencils
  19. Flatbread pizza
  20. Diamonds
  21. A Sandwich
  22. Hard Boiled eggs
  23. A Tesla Cyber truck
  24. Double stuffed baked potatoes
  25. Your tongue
  26. Russian nesting dolls
  27. Hershey’s™ kisses
  28. Airpods
  29. Cat toys
  30. Under armour quarter zips

 

Everything We Know About This Year’s iPhone

By Zach Hartman

iphone-x-54

Apple is rumored to have announced this year’s iteration of the iPhone at their event earlier today. Usually the content of these announcements is a tightly-kept secret until much after the event. We at The Pittiful News, however, have compiled some information about what we think will be announced through various rumors, leaks, and predictions. Here’s what we know:

  • It’ll be shiny
  • It will be made of metal and glass
  • You can call people on it
  • Maybe even text them too
  • It’ll have apps
  • And probably a screen of some sort
  • And at least one camera
  • It will have a battery life
  • It will support AirPods so you can continue to flex on the hoes
  • Siri is still a bitch
  • You already want it, but can’t afford it
  • It comes in a box
  • It also comes with Apple stickers
  • It has a fruit on the back, but do not eat it.
  • It gives the use the power of telecommunication
  • You still will never get a signal in the Cathedral

Wow, this year’s iPhone sure sounds like a killer. Isn’t it amazing how fast technology changes? What will Silicon Valley think of next?